A.P.B. issued– if you see this Big Bird, please drop a dime on him.
Sesame Street’s elder statesmen, Big Bird, has been missing from this community since Thursday morning, said local resident, Rabbie Rodent.
“Big Bird’s on the lam,” said the large rat with a foaming mouth. “He said someone had put a contract out on him and that he had to take a powder. Said he might be going to Salt Lake City and maybe changing his religion. He was really nervous, sweating, all jittery dropping f-bombs like he was being scripted by Tarantino. Sort of like when he was coming down from his vowel addiction a few years back. I kind of felt sorry for the big yellow fellow, but then he hit me upside the head with a lead pipe and stole my wallet and stash of prime numbers. That sucker needs to get put down, plucked and made into pillows.”
Rabbie Rodent then bit this reporter, apologized and went back to his trash can.
This could be the new face of NFL officiating if people don’t get with the program!
The owners of NFL teams carry a bit more clout than God, and they are tired of hearing players bellyache about the crappy calls being made by replacement referees who are subbing for the real refs who were locked-out by owners for requesting a few more coins.
“Look, I’ve had it with these big, beefy crybabies,” said one anonymous owner, “so I suggested we lock them out and hire replacement players instead.” And that is what the NFL owners have decided to do.
Because they feel college players wouldn’t want to take a pay cut, the NFL is recruiting from middle and high schools nationwide to assemble new teams for play on Sunday.
“It serves them right,” said a billionaire owner from one team. “These NFL players have gotten too big for their britches. Some younger players will love having the caliber of officiating we’ve hired. And if those young punks don’t, well, we’ll fire them and get some more. And if the fans don’t like it, hell, we’ll get some replacement fans, too. And if no one likes our replacement refs, we’ll hire some zebras. It don’t matter to us. The bottom line is this: you peons better get the message– the NFL rules all, and we rule the NFL!”
Bernie is a gift from Carthage, Texas to your front door.
2011 was hardly a great year for motion pictures. War Horse, The Help, Moneyball, Hugo, The Artist and The Descendants were lauded as some of the best. While many were way above average, none were worthy of much thought beyond the initial screening.
Now you can see what The Lint Screen believes was the best movie of the year. One that hardly got mentioned–– Bernie.
Based on a true story that took place in Carthage, (East) Texas in 1996, it’s the fascinating tale of Bernie Tiede (played by Jack Black), an assistant funeral director who can sing like an angel, spread compassion like warm butter on an August day, and is generous with empathy, goodwill and love to all. Especially blue hairs.
Bernie becomes the constant companion of the town’s mean, rich old lady, Marjorie Nugent (played by Shirley MacLaine in her current life form). Bernie enjoys the lifestyle of the rich and famous, globe trotting by Marjorie’s side. The couple is the talk of the town, and actual locals are filmed as the chorus of “gossips” who act as insightful play-by-play announcers with vivid color commentary for the fantastical story as it unfolds.
Let’s just say it doesn’t end well for Marjorie or Bernie as one thing leads to another and somebody gets hurt. The ambitious D.A., Danny Buck (played by Matthew McConaughey who manages to keep his shirt on), wants the truth to be revealed and justice to be served.
The story was originally reported by the excellent journalist Skip Hollandsworth for Texas Monthly. The article was read by director Richard Linklater (Fast Food Nation, School of Rock, Slacker, Dazed and Confused), and together the two men spent over a decade working on the screenplay.
The result is one amazing story with terrific, unforgettable performances by Black and MacLaine, both Oscar-worthy. It’s entertaining, funny, warm and touching. Within the first five minutes, you’ll also learn some handy things you can do with Krazy Glue that you probably didn’t know.
Oh, Oscar, how could you have overlooked this gem of a film? Do yourself a favor, give it a go and enjoy the ride. It certainly has more chops than War Horse.
With another Al Qaeda #2 biting the dust, the evil terrorist network has decided to turn up the heat in recruitment efforts.
Following Saeed al-Shihri’s encounter with a bomb recently in Yemen, the #2 Al Qaeda position is once again open. Reports from a secret source in the no goodnik organization say that there is little interest in being promoted into the vacant position. “No one wants to step up to #2. From #3 through #99, not one person wants the promotion,” said the deep cover source.
So, Al Qaeda has turned to LinkedIn, Facebook and Monster.com in an effort to recruit a solid second in command. The ads read in part “Like adventure? Excitement? Bombs in your undergarments? Come join ‘The A-Team’ and learn how thrilling a job can be. Handsome pay package, rich retirement package and scads of virgins post-retirement.”
No reports as yet if the effort is soliciting many qualified candidates.
Great Grandpa in his Spit & Gravel Emporium
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, fellow Americans, patriots.
Mine is a simple story. A truly American story. A story that is completely unique but also altogether familiar.
My great grandparents came to this country from a place called The Old Country. They came here for that new country smell. And they came to America for a better life. They came to pursue their American dream. And they found it.
They found it working hard labor 21-hours a day for a half cup of spit and gravel. Was it hard back-breaking soul-crushing work? You betcha. Did they give up? Never!
No, they established a spit and gravel store and raised a family. A family they called their own. They taught their children that hard work pays handsome dividends. Their children worked 22-hours a day for sawdust and a shiny nickel. They lived in sewers and ate dirt to save money. And when they grew up, they raised families. American families who bought bootstraps and raised themselves by those bootstraps out of the sewers to work 23-hours a day for metal shavings and slugs that worked in vending machines.
They raised families who worked hard and learned the joy of working 24-hours a day for crumpled newspaper and lawn clippings. We learned to economize by giving up weak habits like eating, sleeping or living within the cozy confines of shelter. Food, rest, shelter are for the weak. And we made it. Made it without the luxury of bootstraps.
That is my story. And today I tell you that if you put your mind to it and work hard, you can make it. Make it like I’ve made it and make it like so many before me have made it.
Thank you. And, uh, you sir–– in the second row, you going to eat the rest of that soft pretzel?
Ironic Killer now slaughters digitally with this deadly instrument!
Willis Hargrain, the alleged ‘Ironic Killer’, is the primary suspect in the tragic death of a 36-year old Boone, North Carolina woman who laughed herself to death following an exchange with him on a popular dating site.
Mindy Breeminder, a sales manager for Mungwhip’s Lugnuts & Pastry Shoppe, had an on-line dialogue going with Hargrain on Perfect Soulmates, a singles website. The petite woman was found dead at her computer keyboard by her sister, Patricia Goomy, early this morning.
The only clue to the death of Ms. Breeminder was her last exchange on the computer screen. Hargrain is suspecting to have written the following exchange under the alias “Manhunk,”and Ms. Breeminder wrote under her dating site name of “Sexpot.”
MANHUNK: Tell me about yourself. What do you look like?
SEXPOT: No, you first. What do you look like?
MANHUNK: I’m pretty handsome, I guess.
SEXPOT: Oh, how handsome?
MANHUNK: I’m so handsome, mirrors want to look like me.
SEXPOT: That’s pretty funny. LOL.
MANHUNK: I’m so good looking, I want to date me.
SEXPOT: LOL!
MANHUNK: I’m so sexy, I’m saving myself for marriage.
SEXPOT: LOL!!!
MANHUNK: Saving myself, sure, but I’m afraid I’m losing.
SEXPOT: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL L…………………….
Police suspect Ms. Breeminder laughed herself to death. K. Edgar Haver, a Boone County Sherriff, warns all people on-line to avoid any exchanges with anyone named “Manhunk.”
“Near as we can tell, he’s a pretty good looking guy. Be careful out there,” the lawman said.
