How you’ll feel should ye be in need of a pint or two.
In the world’s greatest city, there is a bar worthy of hell.
A place that purports to be an Irish bar, but is instead an affront to anyone who has ever graced a barstool with their thirsty arse.
The joint is called Lilly O’Briens Irish Bar, on Murray Street just off West Broadway in the hip TrBeCa area of Manhattan. What follows are a list of its sins.
1. It is light and bright. I’m talking bright like if Stevie Wonder walked into the joint he’d say, “Dim it down, would you?!”
2. The place is littered with hi-def TVs playing sports, and many of the feeds are standard def. Look, Irish bars aren’t sports bars. End of discussion.
3. The Smithwicks was flat, and get a load of this, the place had Coors Light on draft! Lord help us all…
4. There was a pair of Muhammad Ali’s boxing trunks mounted in a glass case and hanging on the wall. What this was doing in an Irish Bar was a mystery.
5. Loud contemporary alt rock music was blaring on the sound system. Gotye is hardly the soundtrack for an Irish bar.
Bottom line, this place may be an O.K. sports bar, but it’s a hell of a lousy Irish Bar and should be sued for false advertising.
As The Games of The XXX Olympiad come to a close, The Lint Screen presents some secrets that the world media have missed, or refuse to report because of some evil plot involving dry cleaners and the banking industry.
1. The reason so many running world records were shattered is that the athletes were told that if they lost, they’d be forced to watch full episodes of the fall season of new NBC shows.
2. Bob Costas has been juicing himself with the blood of Dick Clark to achieve his eternally youthful appearance.
3. The dressage competition was fixed. Some of the horses ‘threw’ their performances for extra apples and the promise of new Nike Air horseshoes.
4. The United States of America topped China in the total medal count. In retaliation, China has jacked-up the vig on our debt to it.
5. Eighteen horses drowned in water polo competition.
6. These Games set a record for comically large “WE’RE #1” foam finger sales and bangers and mash served in plastic Beefeater hats.
7. The International Olympic Committee is suing Tomlinson Pest Control of Oil City, Pennsylvania for advertising itself as “The Olympic Champion of Rodent Killing.”
Curvin O’Rielly, a man who made the world a more tolerable place
Curvin died yesterday. Cancer took him down. Damn cancer. Angels of mercy with a hospice in upstate New York guided him from this world to the next. Today this world feels more empty for the loss of Curvin O’Rielly.
I never met Curvin. Never even spoke to him. But I knew Curvin.
I knew him first by his work. Curvin was one of those gifted admen who wrote campaigns that were intelligent and soulful. He crafted copy for Saab, BMW, NutraSweet, Saturn and many more that spoke truth artfully and persuasively. I knew Curvin because as a young copywriter I strained my eyes to read his words reproduced in ad award show books. Curvin was a hero of mine, a copy god.
I got to know Curvin thanks to a mutual Facebook friend. She thought we’d like one another. We became Facebook friends, and we liked one another immediately.
We traded stories about working for Hal Riney in S.F. Anyone who ever worked for Riney can swap tales. In San Francisco, Riney stories are traded like baseball cards. Curvin had some very valuable cards.
Curvin began reading this blog and quickly became its top commenter. Since March of 2010, Curvin’s wit and wisdom graced many of The Lint Screen posts. Take a look-see. Often his commentary was better than the entry commented upon. Copy gods do such things naturally.
I urged Curvin to write a book. He had so many great stories, so much wisdom to share. He refused the book idea, but he did write a blog, Ace of Admen. There aren’t a ton of entries, but they are all well worth reading.
While regret I never had the chance to meet Curvin or work with him, I feel fortunate for having known him. He will be sorely missed. The world needs the likes of him more than ever.
Willis strikes again, this time using funny words and irony!
The dragnet was set. Cops felt confident. The locals were terrified. But Willis Hargrain, the alleged ironic humor killer of two in Anderson, South Carolina, is still at large and apparently leaving more bodies in his deadly wake!
This morning, two employees of Sole Bros. Footwear in Ashville, North Carolina, were found dead at the store. A customer who was in the store at the time, reported that a man fitting Hargrain’s description entered the store and was approached by two employees who asked if he needed help. Hargrain said, “I suppose with this record hot summer, you’re not doing much business in the snowshoe and mukluks department, are you?” The two employees realized the man had wielded a razor wit and immediately convulsed with laughter–– a laugh fest that tragically ended in their deaths. Hargrain reportedly became nervous, grabbed some nylon dress socks, waxed shoelaces and two pair of shoe trees and fled the scene.
The eyewitness heard the joke at a distance laughed himself into intensive care at a local hospital. Doctors say he will be fine following a regimen of watching C-SPAN. The eyewitness released the following statement: “That man, that Willis joker, is a cold blooded killer. What kind of a homicidal maniac uses funny words like ‘mukluk’ with such brazen disregard for human life? He is as big a threat to mankind as is Snooki. That girl is K-R-Aaaaaazy!”
Police have intensified their search for Hargrain.
Embarrassment, shame and humiliation were back in the saddle again in ’72 Games
As The Games of The XXX Olympiad get underway in the London, The Lint Screen is proud to present a gold medal-worthy dose of Olympic Games trivia.
The Olympics were invented by Thomas Edison in 1892 as a way for his company, General Electric, to sell advertising time on its broadcast network called NBC. The first major sponsor was Dr. Genuflect’s Amazing Consumption, Diphtheria & Poliomyelitis Elixir. The company ran commercials with the famous slogan, “Take a spoonful or die.”
The 1896 Olympics ended tragically when all the athletes died of consumption.
In 1904, The Olympic Games were held in Rochester, New York. Jimmy “Legs” Killonry set a new world’s record running the first twelve minute mile. It is reported the crowd watching him had windburned faces after he passed by them.
Water was added to the 1912 Olympic Games held in Munich. Swimming events finally began to gain some popularity.
The 1924 Games held in Moscow are remember for the irresistible aroma of borscht that filled the air and a debilitating sense of gloom and dread that gripped all who attended.
History will never forget the 1936 Olympic Games held in Mexico City. Runner Jesse Owens from the U.S. beat Germany’s Adolf Hitler in all four races in which they competed. “He cheated,” claimed an enraged Hitler after the event. “He had more wind at his back and the ground was moving faster under his feet,” said a disgruntled Hitler as he kicked a brass spittoon across the floor and pouted. Many speculate this humiliating defeat led to WW II.
The 1960 Olympics held in Toronto are best remembered for its souvenirs. They were really cool with all kinds of pottery, cutlery and thimbles. Also, 12,432 new world records were set by an athlete from Mars named XOPLOWRQ ZAMBORDUK.
In 1972, embarrassment, shame and humiliation reigned o’er Chauncey Worthingshire IV when his Dressage gold medal was stripped upon the discovery that his horse was actually two men in a horse costume. “I thought I smelled cigar smoke,” the humiliated rider said. Both men within the suit smoked Cohibas. According to official Olympic rules, the men were taken to the glue factory and slaughtered.
The 1984 games were held in Toronto and are best remembered for Irishman Egor Rasmonovich, who pole vaulted a pretty incredible 236′ 4″, a record that still stands.
In 1992, the Games were held in Fiji. The athletes unanimously voted not to compete and “to chill” instead. Although world peace was achieved for 16 days, these Games had some of the lowest TV viewership in history.
The 1997 Olympic Games introduced Donkey Kong as an event. The U.S.A. dominated the competition. Suck it, rest of world!
Chimbote, Peru’s 2004 Olympic Games saw the unbelievable act of gold medalist Yancy Hububabba from Sweden as he won the 200 metre freestyle swimming event without using his arms or legs. These Games also are remembered for the delicious corn dogs, candy apples, carmel corn and funnel cakes served.
In 2008, the Olympics were held in China. All athletes were outsourced to China to save money. Amazingly, China only won one gold, one silver and three bronze medals, all made in China.
Now you know. Astound your friends, challenge your enemies– you are truly an Olympics Trivia Gold Medalist!
He made us a playground but the bullies are taking over.
Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook is soon expected to have one billion members. But I think I see the problem with the whole social network thing. It’s people.
The power of social networking is connecting with people. It’s a wonderful way to share your life with others and re-kindle relationships. The problem is that some people also believe the social network is a political tool to broadcast their points of view and beliefs.
Facebook is like a playground where we children play, but more and more I’m seeing political bullies on the playground. Or religious bullies. Or any kind of bully who wants to broadcast their belief system to everyone who is their “friend.”
This will ultimately wear people down. People won’t go to the playground as often. In the next couple months leading up to the election, Facebook will be an intolerable place to be. Expect gang warfare.
What hath Zuckerberg wrought? Can I get a “like” here, people?
