The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Ironic Humor Murder Suspect Escapes, At Large

    Suspected ironic humor killer on loose. Beware!!!

    Local and state law enforcement officials have begun a massive manhunt for Willis Hargrain, the 55-year old suspect in the ironic humor death of J. Mundy Catwalls, who escaped from the Anderson jail following his incarceration on July 8.

    Hargrain used his razor sharp wit to cut down a policeman in the line of duty. Officer Dwayne Chumpky, age 28, of Belton, South Carolina, was in the process of locking Hargrain into his cell when the convict reportedly asked him, “Could I request turn-down service and a mint on my pillow? Oh, and what’s the number for room service? I think I’d like a surf and turf with a bottle of Chateau de Pricey!”

    Eyewitnesses report that Offcer Chumpky immediately doubled over with laughter at the suspected killer’s ironic humor, then proceeded to laugh himself to an untimely death. As the guard laughed, Hargrain stepped over the convulsing body and escaped the jail on foot.

    “Today we lost an excellent young law enforcement officer,” Sgt. Jerome G. Willikers told reporters. “Dwayne Chumpky is another casualty in the laugh-filled rampage being inflicted by Willis Hargrain. He must be stopped. Please consider him armed with ironic humor and extremely dangerous.”

    An all points bulletin has been issued, but there are no leads. If you witness anything funny, anything at all, don’t laugh. It could kill you.

  • Man Charged in Ironic Humor Death

    Alleged ironic humor killer put behind bars awaiting trial.

    Willis Hargrain, a 55-year old resident of Anderson, South Carolina, was charged today in the death of his neighbor, J. Mundy Catwalls on July 1.

    Hargrain, asked Catwalls, age 58, if it was “Hot enough for ya?” on a sweltering 106-degree day. Catwalls convulsed with laughter, literally laughing himself to death. Local law enforcement immediately began an exhaustive investigation of the incident.

    “We believe we have a rock solid case against Mr. Hargrain,” Det. Franklin T. Woolty told reporters. “Our C.S.I. evidence shows that Hargrain had been developing this lethal ironic joke for years in his tool shed. So it was definitely premeditated ironic humor murder. We found scraps of paper with early formulations of the joke like ‘Is the climate suitable for you?’ ‘How about this heat? It really is something, isn’t it?’ and ‘Boy howdy, it’s hot. How hot is it? Hmmm, I wish I had a witty retort, but afraid I don’t…’”

    Officials believe Hargrain continued developing the ironic joke until he had perfected it with the terse “Hot enough for ya?” then waited for the ideal time to inflict it on his neighbor. The 106-degree day provided the perfect climate for this ironic humor killer. Obviously, Hargrain is a threat to society at large with this razor wit that can slash a jugular vein and a funny bone.”

    Hargrain was taken into custody and has been refused bail.

  • Man Dies in Tragic Ironic Humor Incident

    Humorous question ends tragically for one South Carolina home owner.

    As record high temperatures gripped many states across the country, a 58-year old South Carolinian died responding to an ironic joke.

    Law enforcement officials report that J. Mundy Catwalls of Anderson, South Carolina, died today when a neighbor, Willis Hargrain, saw him clipping his front hedges in 106-degree heat and asked, “Hot enough for ya?” Catwalls began laughing heavily at the ironically humorous question. Soon, he began convulsing with laughter. He laughed loudly for eleven minutes, with neighbors coming out of their homes to see what the commotion was about. Finally, Catwalls dropped dead of a massive heart attack.

    “I didn’t mean no harm to him, I swear,” said a grief-stricken Hargrain. “Mundy was a good man, a good neighbor and a good friend. I guess sometimes my madcap humor just gets the better of me. I couldn’t be more sorry.”

    Local law enforcement officials are still investigating the incident and say that legal charges may be made against Hargrain.

  • LBJ: Werewolf Killer

    Not even the charismatic JFK could subdue LBJ’s white hot hatred of werewolves!

    The new movie LBJ: Werewolf Killer opened this past weekend with an astounding $1.2 billion in worldwide ticket sales. The movie is based on Robert Caro’s 2008 bestseller Ascent to Hairy & Vicious Fangs of Death!

    While I thought the film was very good, I did question the casting of Peter Dinklage as LBJ. He appeared to have some trouble with the Texas accent to me.

    The film accurately depicts the struggles Johnson faced with both the Viet Nam war and the invasion of an army of werewolves every full moon. Yet, somehow, LBJ kicked some werewolf ass and kept our country safe.

    Charlize Theron was a particularly inspired choice in the role of Lady Bird Johnson. One of the highlights of the film is her impassioned speech to her husband and a full session of Congress admonishing the littering of dead werewolves across the nation. This famous speech became the bedrock for her ‘beautify America’ campaign. Ben Kingsley turns in one of the strongest performances of his distinguished career as Hellcat Hairy, the leader of the werewolves who had the iconic catchphrase, “Let’s eat some faces, wolvies, me hungie!”

    All in all, a good flick that ranks right up there with other prez bio classic like James C. Polk: Zombie Slayer and U.S. Grant: Ghost Whacker. Catch this flick now!

  • Bag o’ Fritos Eaten, Out of Race!

    Presidential hopeful tragically gobbled to death. A nation mourns, hungrily.

    Tragedy struck the nonhuman presidential campaign today as the winner of the Iowa primaries, Bag o’ Fritos, was eaten to death.

    The salty snack was scheduled to give a speech in Akron, Ohio, when a young man rushed the stage, ripped open the candidate’s skin and quickly ate his deliciously addictive innerds. The assasin was immediately taken into custody by local authorities as Bag o’ Fritos’ Secret Service detail was M.I.A. Missing in sexy, sexy action! Anonymous sources reported that the Secret Service was interviewing local prostitutes behind closed doors.

    “The agents seriously believe that ladies of the evening are always potential death threats, and since it’s their sworn duty to take one in the line of duty, they do whatever they have to do. It’s all about protection, and for safety’s sake, they usually use protection,” said the anonymous source as he thumbed his monogrammed shirt sleeve reading RLW (short for Robert Lawrence Worlythorten, III, of 612 West Market Street in Akron).

    The young suspect who greedily ate Bag o’ Fritos was not identified, but local law enforcement authorities read the following prepared statement: “The dude was apparently whacked out on the goof with a major case of the munchies and he seriously needed some snackin’, so when he saw Bag o’ Fritos, he just like totally freaked and attacked. The Dude said he’s like seriously sorry but that the ex-candidate was the absolute winner of the race for total deliciousness.”

    With Bag o’ Fritos eliminated and Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite recently withdrawing, the nonhuman presidential race is tightening. Stay tuned to The Lint Screen for all your in-depth reporting. It kind of what we do, what with our being serious journalists who sit at the Underwood with a lit Pall Mall danglin’ from our lips and half-eaten hamburger steak sandwich at our ink-stained elbows.

  • Granite Shatters Own Political Dreams

    Granite to exit politics to pursue career in commercial direction.

    As expected, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the New Hampshire primary winner in the nonhuman presidential race, has announced that it is withdrawing from consideration. The candidate announced weeks ago that it was considering thinking about maybe possibly withdrawing from the race. Granite was also recently the target of a savage attack ad created by the campaign for Ms. Pickles, a lovable monkey with very sharp teeth and a vicious competitive streak.

    In its statement, Granite said, “I believe the time has come to pursue my true purpose in life– directing TV commercials. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Well, that, or driving a horse carriage through central park. Or, working the counter of a high end soda fountain. It’s time for me to wake up from my presidential dreams, rinse away the morning breath and get on with my life. I think this commercial directing thing is just the ticket, there appears to be a severe shortage of them out there.”

    No response was given by the Ms. Pickles political camp, but cackle barks, howls and screeches of joy were heard from behind closed doors.