The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Fritos Pledges to End “Nanny State” of Currency

    If salty snack elected, your U.S. currency becomes toast!

    In a bold political move, nonhuman presidential candidate, Bag o’ Fritos, has promised to end “the nanny state of government forcing a dependency on paper.”

    Hank Wentrom, the popular salty snack’s campaign spokesman, delivered a prepared statement to members of the press in which Fritos proclaimed, “Too many humans have become slaves to the almighty dollar. It drives humans to distraction. It is a perfect example of the government’s nanny state, forcing itself and its scraps of paper with its name on them into all transactions of human interaction. My first order as president will be to have a big bonfire and burn all U.S. currency. This symbol of liberation will illuminate our freedom from the tyranny of governmental monetary dependency!”

    When asked how the economy would operate without a monetary system, Wentrom stormed off the stage in what some described as “a huff” and others as “an angry tizzy.”

  • Hungry For More

    Her aim is true, unfortunately the film misses big time

    Rarely do movie versions of books live up to their print source material. The Hunger Games movie is a huge disappointment compared to the book.

    Suzanne Collins wrote the bestseller book and co-wrote the screenplay for the blockbuster movie. She is to be hailed for the former and partially blamed for the latter. If you did not read the book, don’t bother with the movie. You will be confused and wonder what all the hoopla’s about.

    If you read the book, do not see the movie. You will be disappointed.

    The book is such a wonderful page-turner, it practically reads itself. The movie somehow makes the same story dull, which is a damn shame because Jennifer Lawrence is so good.

    I blame the screenplay and the director. What should have been an incredible cinema experience is pedestrian and feels cheap. It lacks pace, pathos, excitement.

    Read the book. Maybe some day Hollywood make a picture worthy of the pages, but for now, save your money.

  • Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches

    "Hello, citizen, let’s get to know you better!"

    The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

    “I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

    “We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

    “I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

    “I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

    And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”

  • Pollywog, Stilts & Salt Water Taffy Trust Fund Money To Enter Political Fray

    The Turley Sisters are out to make it a competitive race!

    When it was announced recently that Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservatives behind ALLIED ACME Industries, were deciding on which nonhuman presidential candidate to back with their Super PAC, another power group surfaced with its own Super PAC ideas.

    The Turley Sisters of Tulsa, Oklahoma, who are listed in the nation’s top 100 wealthiest families, have decided to form a Super PAC because “they don’t trust that liberal Hudsinger couple to do right by God-fearin’ folks. They dress in far too revealing a manner and appear to have no earthly control over their ravenous libidos. The Hudsingers shant taint the political waters with their wantonness ways,” said a Turley family spokesperson.

    The Turly fortune was made by great grandfather Augustus Turley who revolutionized retail with his Turly Pollywog, Stilts & Saltwater Taffy Emporium in 1892. His retail empire spread like wildfire on fire and soon every American city with a population over 10 had a Turley Emporium. With a fortune amassed, the Turley empire eventually crumbled as Americans lost interest in baby frogs, height enhancing sticks and salty confections.

    “The Turley family has always believed in good clean living,” said a spokesperson, “and the Turley Sisters will not allow political libertines like Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger to pollute the purity of our nation’s soul.”

    It is rumored the Turley Sisters are holding extensive interviews with all nonhuman candidates before deciding on where to put their Super PAC money support.

  • Money Floodgates Ready To Bust

    Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger’s big money is about to come raining down this election season.

    The Supreme Court’s “Citizens United” ruling treated corporations, unions and nonprofits as humans, giving them political voice through the formation of Super PACS to spend money on political advertising. A flood of Super PAC money is about to wash into the nonhuman presidential campaign, The Lint Screen has learned today in the back corner of a dingy bar reeking of stale beer and aged vomit.

    “Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservative couple who own ALLIED ACME Industries, are reviewing all the nonhuman candidates to determine who they want to back with their Super PAC, ‘Citizens For A Decent, Celibate And Righteously Moral Future’,” said an industry insider in conspiratorial whispers. “They are sitting on a ton of cash and they have deep pockets to make anyone win.”

    The industry insider excused himself to go to the bathroom and The Lint Screen reporter upheld the high journalistic tradition of slipping out the front door before the bar bill arrived.

  • Pickles Accuses Paws of Genocide

    Is this the future that Santy Paws promises humanity?

    Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey candidate in the nonhuman presidential race, has come out with a vicious attack against one of her opponents, precious puppy, Santy Paws.

    A spokesman for the Pickles campaign, C. Hurley Everett Mungswallow, IV, told reporters, “Ms. Pickles is outraged and deeply disappointed that Santy Paws, allegedly ‘man’s best friend,’ wants to kill all men and women with his recent proposal to have all humans ‘fixed.’ While this will not kill humanity immediately, it will prevent future generations from being born, thus ending the human species. Ms. Pickles believes this would be tragic since human beings are a species she puts in her top 10 favorite species list. This premeditated genocide shows the contempt and hatred that Santy Paws has for humans. Ms. Pickles believes that a candidate determined to wipe out its electorate would not be a good president, whereas she has always had great respect and admiration for people– especially when they give her treats or help pick lice off her back.”