The world reacts to the tragic news.The world held its collective breath in anticipation of the announcement of whether a single celled organism would make a run for the White House, and today the world received news that caused it to exhale in disappointment.
Those who smelled the exhale said that the world had obviously been drinking and eating garlic.
Russ Verblockin, a spokesman for single celled organism said that it had decided not to run for the presidency because it wished to spend more time with its petri dish family.
“While single celled organism believes it could have brought about the change America so desperately needs,” Verblockin said in a prepared statement, “it also feels that it has an obligation to its loved ones and did not wish to bring them under the media’s microscopic scrutiny. I hope everyone respects single celled organism’s privacy.”
The spokesman then broke down in tears and was ushered away.
If it enters race, single celled organism could prove a threat.In a surprising development, rumors have surfaced that a single celled organism may enter the presidential race.
“It makes sense,” said a respected pundit. “We’ve got a crowded field of humans, a cute kitty, an adorable puppy and a lovable monkey. A single celled organism could prove to be a substantial threat, especially if it has a contagion following that could infect the rest of the field. Should this charismatic organism decide to run, it would be one of the most exciting presidential races ever. I’ve checked a bunch of history books, and I can say with over 80% certainty that if elected, the single celled organism would be the first microscopic president in U.S. history. That is pretty exciting!”
Ms. Pickles enters the presidential political fray, and a nation swoons!Just when America thought it was a two horse presidential race between a puppy and a kitten, a new candidate aims to make monkeys out of both–– a lovable precious precocious primate named Ms. Pickles!
Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles spoke to reporters outside his Tempe, Arizona home. “I think that little puppy and kitten-cat are pretty cute, but I worry about having a president with paws who has the power to nuke our planet to smithereens. What if that paw slips? We couldn’t launch a nuclear attack and evildoers would know that so they’d bully us with verbal wedgies and what-have-yous. Are we going to be a nation of wusses? No! What America needs is a creature like a human but without human faults. And Ms. Pickles, why she’s real human-like, what with her two arms, two legs and a face that melts your heart like butter in a microwave. This country needs a feminine touch on the nuclear launch button, and Ms. Pickles is ready to protect, serve and prepare a mushroom cloud omelette of destruction if need be!”
Ms. Pickles then came out and clapped her hands as reporters swooned. Mr. Gruthers tossed Ms. Pickles a grape, which she caught in her mouth. She then did a back flip and moonwalked. The reporters applauded loudly and cheered.
As the presidential race heats up, there was no response from other declared candidates.
Tuggles Camp alleges Paws may have killer tendenciesThe campaign manager of adorable prez pup hopeful, Santy Paws, recently alleged a dead bird may have been the handiwork of Mr. Tuggles, a cute kitten also running for the nation’s top job. Today, Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles fired back as he showed a reproduction of an oil painting of two dogs looking hungrily at a bird that is flying away for safety’s sake.
“It’s outrageous to think that a fluff o’ love like Mr. Tuggles could possible hurt another one of God’s creatures,” said Ossenwold in front of a bank of media microphones. “He has love in heart for all, except those evilniks who would do harm to America. He hates those hateful people deeply and wants to kill them and send their souls to hell for eternal damnation.”
Mr. Ossenwold then pointed to the artwork reproduction on an easel. “As we can clearly see from this police sketch done in oils, dogs have hated birds throughout history. Naturally, I think that Santy Paws, being a member of this historically blood thirsty community, could be the killer of the bird discovered recently. I find it outrageous that the suspected murdering mutt’s campaign manager accused my candidate of possibly killing a bird when his candidate is a sworn enemy to our winged friends. If any animal killed that poor little birdie, it’s probably that vicious killing machine, Santy Paws. Oh, I don’t blame the mad dog. It’s in his blood. If Mr. Tuggles is elected, he might consider pardoning that pitiful creature with obvious anger management issues.”
There was no response from Santy Paws campaign headquarters.
Is Mr. Tuggles a cold-blooded killer? Suspicions are raised.As the heat of campaigning turns up, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for popular pup prez candidate, Santy Paws, today speculated that a dead bird discovered in a Canfield, Ohio yard may have been the handiwork of competing presidential candidate, cute kitty Mr. Tuggles, a Canfield resident.
“Look, lots of birds get done in by these cats with their anger issues,” said a visibly upset Sam Merchant. “I ain’t saying that Tuggles did gave this poor little birdie his angel wings, but then again I ain’t saying he didn’t or couldn’t. Fact is, even cute kittens have sharp teeth and quick razor claws that can kill. I think that the American public needs to remember that our great nation has never elected a cold-blooded killer into the oval office, and I for one couldn’t catch many winks at night knowing that I voted for a vicious murdering cat like Mr. Tuggles could very well be. We just don’t know what this baby wild beast is capable of doing. Let’s not elect a potential blood thirsty killer here! It won’t do our image diddly-squat.”
Merchant then announced that Santy Paws would hold a press conference tomorrow in an aviary in St. Louis.
“How can we possibly put that mutt in the White House if he ain’t even housebroken? Do we want pee stains in the Oval Office? Doggie droppings all over the West Wing? Why, it would be a disgrace, outrage and terrible embarrassment for this great nation and all its people, the ones Mr. Tuggles calls ‘Americans.’ We do not need a president we have to pick up after!”
Ossenwold then asked Mr. Tuggles to join him on stage, and the precious little kitty did so– dragging a litter box with him. The crowd of jaded journalists melted with a hushed and heartfelt “Awwwwww.” Every dilated pupil in the house was on the precious little scamp.
“My candidate knows how to handle his business. And he’ll know how to handle the nation’s business. Vote Mr. Tuggles, and keep America clean and safe from accidents!”
Asked to respond to the allegations, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for Santy Paws said, “Wise guys, huh? Why I oughta– look here, see–– I’m going fix that mangy little furball but good!” and he stormed off in what observers described as “a huff.”
