The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • “Due Date” Way Overdue in The Laugh Department

    Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting some more for laughs to arrive. Will they ever come?
    I can’t recall if it was Gene Siskel or Roger Ebert who came up with ‘beware three or more writers rule’, but he was very wise.

    The rules is simple: if a screenplay has three or more people listed in the credit, you’ve got an early warning sign it’s going to be a bad movie. Well, Due Date has four people credited as writers. Four writers, including director Todd Phillips, who should be ashamed for bringing this project to fruition.

    Then again, there’s no excuse for talented actors like Robert Downey, Jr. and Zach Galifianakis to get involved with a script this bad unless they are illiterate or really hard up for cash.

    The premise of the film is pretty simple: it’s Planes, Trains & Automobiles with some wacky plot twists and a cute dog thrown in for good measure (cute dogs are Hollywood’s catnip for guffaws). Whereas PT&A was fresh and funny, this film is stale and barely amusing.

    If you saw the trailer, save your money. You’ve seen the best parts of the film. If you’re a diehard Downey, Jr. or Galifianakis fan, wait for the video. If moviegoers waste good hard-earned cash on claptrap like this, Hollywood will keep serving us more.

    It’s time to send a message. I’ve done my part.

    I feel like watching Planes, Trains & Automobiles again.

  • Lonely Cute Kitten On Moon Lost Oilade Job Hunting Swedish Bikini Team With Fab Four X-ray Porn

    You want ’em, we got ’em– PORK BRAINS!
    The statistical analysis department here at The Lint Screen recently issued a 146-page report detailing the most popular key words that have attracted readers to this site.

    According to the number crunchers, here’s the catnip for curious eyeballs:
    moon
    lost
    Swedish Bikini Team
    job hunting
    X-ray porn
    cute kitten
    oilade
    fab four
    lonely

    These key words are the cheese that attracts the most people on our planet to this hub of intelligencia and good taste.

    So, the marketing department of The Lint Screen suggested we do a posting that combined all these power players in one entry. Like a dream team playing its greatest hits, if you will.

    Here we are. And just for good measure, the creative department (usually lazy no-goodniks with feet propped on desktops and heads nestled in clouds) wanted to add something new: pork brains (who knows, maybe these two words will attract new readers to Lint).

    Feel free to poke around the key words above and see what’s the most popular Lint to date. Please come again because we may be cooking up some more pork brains with the culinary department here at Lint.

    Pork brain pastries, perhaps?

  • Whisk Broom Elected Senator

    New Senator of Wisconsin!
    Yesterday’s dramatic election sent a strong message to Washington, D.C.: “Get outta here, you bums, we’re sick and tired of your infernal shenanigans– so much so that we’re going to send all kinds of looneys to replace you just to prove a point of how hacked-off we are!”

    And so it came to pass that a number of incumbents were tossed aside like yesterday’s spent coffee grinds in favor or radical “antiestablishment” candidates, including in one surprising upset, a whisk broom was elected the new Senator from the great state of Wisconsin.

    An actual whisk broom!

    “Originally, we put the whisk broom in the election as a joke,” said Marty Fingletreat, chairman of the Angry Tea Dumper Party, “but then it started doing really well in the polls. We knew this inanimate object might have a chance. So, we got some serious PAC money behind us to slam the broom’s opponent, and bippity-boo-scattamazoo– whiskers the broom won! What an incredible story, a true American tale. It’ll be interesting to see how it does in Washington. We’re already raising funds for whisk broom’s reelection.”

    And so is written a new chapter of American politics. Sweet dreams, citizens, sleep well.

  • The First Concert, The Last Great Concert

    A man named Alice and his excellent band.
    Not long ago, this year’s inductees into The Rock And Roll Hall of Fame were announced. Among them were three of my favorites: Alice Cooper, Donovan and Tom Waits.

    An eclectic trio for sure.

    My first exposure to a national recording act was seeing Alice Cooper in the fall of 1971 in Cleveland, Ohio (not far from where The Hall of Fame stands today). Alice and his band had just released their second album, “Killer”, and the rock show’s line-up was a stew of styles–– Sha-Na-Na, The J. Geils Band and Alice Cooper in full theatrical regalia and pyrotechnics. Alice taunted the crowd with his boa constrictor (literally) and was hung from the gallows. Not bad, eh?

    Alice and his band were incredible performers, charismatic and infectious. The music was hard driving and testosterone-fueled. It was a hell of an introduction for rock shows and still stands in my top five of all time.

    Tom always delivers. Always.
    The last great concert I’ve attended was Tom Waits at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta. Like Alice, Waits is a masterful showman. He just uses less mascara and 100% fewer reptiles.

    Waits is one of my favorite songwriters; a man who’s voice is distinctive and extremely polarizing. There are very few people I spend money to see these days. Tom Waits is definitely in that short list. A must-see.

    Hippy dippy hurdy gurdy man delivers songs of love.
    As for Donovan, regrettably I’ve never seen him live but good gobs of gravy did the guy write some great songs that will endure forever.

    Advertisers have discovered the power of Donovan. You can hear his work on spots from General Electric and Microsoft. Yes, his music that good.

    It’s good to see these three transformative artists pass into the pearly gates in Cleveland. It’s certainly about time.

    Remember your first? Your last great? Do share.

  • Supreme Mud Slinging

    Politics is uglier than ever. Is it any wonder we have the finest politicians money can buy?

    This election season is unbearably tragic.

    Thanks to the U.S. Supreme Court’s boneheaded ‘Citizen United’ decision earlier this year, corporations, unions, rich fatcats and special interest groups can dump untold fortunes into political campaigns and causes. And, they can do so under the cloak of secrecy with fake organizational names like The Coalition For Freedom And Justice To Preserve Our Constitutional Rights, or People for Protection Against Terror & Terrorists, or Citizens Who Truly Love The American Way of Life, or God’s People Fighting The Hidden Satanic Powers.

    All this money is used to make spots that plunge our political discourse to new depths of sleaze, muckraking and mud slinging. The spots flood the airwaves with copy points like…
    “Joe Doe says he wants to lower taxes, but he’s never denied that he hasn’t killed small children or strangled puppies with his bare hands…”
    “Tom Mutt claims to be a family man, but how do we know he doesn’t have three, four or even ten wives– with countless illegitimate children born out of wedlock? Can we really trust a man of unproven, questionable moral character to represent us in Washington?”
    “If Jane Duwayne is so concerned about balancing the state’s budget, why did she get slapped with stinging penalty overdraft charges to her checking account in 1998? Is this the sort of fiscally irresponsible behavior we want today? Can we really trust our financial future to someone who is so reckless she’s been penalized by big banks? And how do we know she doesn’t owe those big bankers more payback? Can we really afford to mortgage our future, and our children’s future on Jane Duwayne?”
    “Mike Tadpole says he’s a conservative Republican. But we have no idea if he voted for Obama, secretly loves Nancy Pelosi or is best friends with Harry Reid. And how do we know he’s not hiding bin Laden in his tool shed? Could that be the reason he’s never once talked about his tool shed in his campaigning? What’s Mike Tadpole hiding? Do we really want to find out?”

    Sadly, until some real campaign finance reform legislation is passed, which will be next to never since the money funding politicians won’t allow it, we’re stuck with our current freak show political process and airwaves clogged with mud. And all too often, the candidates and causes with the deepest pockets win. And exactly whose best interest do you think they’re beholden to?

    Pitiful. Can’t we do better?

  • Double Dipping & Loving It

    What price friendship? We’ll never know (can’t disclose).
    My movie barometer for a terrible movie is this: how much would someone have to pay me to see it again?

    There are films that I would not see again for $50. Not even if you threw in popcorn and Milk Duds.

    My barometer for a great movie is will I shell out money to see it again in a theatre? The answer is yes for The Social Network. I saw this film for the second time last night and it was every bit as enjoyable as the first go ’round.

    Now get a load of this: I’m seriously thinking about a third viewing.

    This movie is far and away the best movie of the year. The kind of movie you’ll want to spread the good word about on Facebook. If there is any taste in Hollywood, it should attract Academy Awards nominations like a wool suit collects dog hairs.

    Sorkin’s script, Fincher’s direction, Eisenberg, Garfield, Hammer(s), Timberlake– all the acting, the music, editing, cinematography, everything in this film is perfect. It’s wonderful to see an adult movie without car chases, huge special effects, convoluted characters or a plastic soul. It is the rarest of wonders.

    This is straight ahead a good story very well told and executed.

    See it, at least once in the theatre.