The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

Madoff’s Fonzie Scheme Grows (Pt. 2)

   Suspected con artist and lowlife scumbag, Bernie Madoff, is feeling victimized, and he’s none too happy.

Can this cap really make one as cool as Don Knotts?

   Madoff acknowledged he recently paid $50 billion to an attorney representing a deposed Nigerian Prince in return for the Prince’s Greek fishing cap that the lawyer alleged “makes its owner as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli (aka THE FONZE), on TV’s ‘Happy Days’.” The magic cap has yet to appear.

   Madoff kept the transaction a secret for over a month, but finally admitted it to this reporter after persistent questioning, a brisk noogie on the noggin and rabbit punches to the kidneys. The Lint Screen broke the story worldwide on January 14th, since then, Madoff has been inundated with offers of other Greek fishing caps with alleged “magical powers.”

Taunting Madoff has become a sport

   One man is offering to sell his prized Greek fishing cap “that not only makes you cool as Fonzie, it makes you cool as Steve McQueen in ‘The Great Escape’ or Don Knotts in ‘The Incredible Mr. Limpet’.”

   Another claims “Fonzie coolness with a hefty jigger of Brando swagger and Jagger jigger.”

   One purports to have “Arctic Fonzie coolness powers and mega-respect-garnering capabilities, a la Mr. C. in ‘Happy Days’ or Aunt Bea in ‘The Andy Griffith Show’.”

Is it cool? Is it a fool?

   “I feel like these people are trying to take advantage of me,” said a visibly distraught Madoff. “I spent $50 billion for a Greek fishing cap from Nigeria that never shows up, and it’s like blood’s in the water with these sharks circling me. What did I do to deserve this kind of shoddy treatment? Geez louise, I’m mister happy-go-lucky-go-with-the-flow-lend-a-helping-hand-to-my-fellow-man-que-sera-sera-whatever-will-be-will-be, and this is the thanks I get?! It’s not fair, I tells ya, not fair at all!” With that, Madoff spits on the ground and stomps a foot.

   If only Madoff had his magic Greek fishing cap, maybe then he could keep his cool. But it appears there is no forecast for coolness in Madoff’s future.

   Poor man.



January 18, 2009
Madoff In Fonzie Scheme

   Bernie Madoff, the notorious Wall Street huckster under federal investigation for scamming $50 billion from investors, may have been delivered his karmic comeuppance.

   Madoff claims to have recently received an e-mail from an attorney representing a Nigerian Prince. The attorney stated that the deposed Prince was in exile and in desperate need of cash to buy back the throne that was his birthright.

Madoff just wanted Potsie's respect, and was willing to pay for it!

   The attorney stated the Prince was willing to sell something he owned that was much more valuable than “mere money” in order to raise the required capital–– “it’s a magic Greek fishing cap that makes its owner as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli (aka THE FONZE), on TV’s ‘Happy Days’.”

   The mysterious attorney claimed all the Prince wanted for the magic Fonze Greek fishing cap was $50 billion. No taxes, no hidden fees, no surcharges.

   Madoff said he lept at the chance to secure the valuable item. “I’m a big Fonzie fan and always wanted to be just like him. I mean, come on, to have Ritchie, Potsie, Ralph, Mrs. C., Chachi and the whole crew look up to you–- aaayyy, get outta ‘ere, who wouldn’t want that, ehhhh?!”

   So, Madoff did as instructed and wired the attorney representing the Nigerian Prince $50 billion. “It was pretty much all the money I had, except for a couple million bucks walking around money that I keep in trouser and jacket pockets. But it’s been four weeks and I still haven’t received the magic Fonzie Greek fishing cap,” said a crushed Madoff. “I hope this Nigerian Prince’s lawyer is on the level. I’d hate to think I was taken advantage of. Hey, Nigerian Prince’s lawyer, if you’re reading this, come on, give up the Greek fishing cap, aaayyyyy!”

   With that, Madoff awkwardly thrust a thumb into the air and poked himself in the left eye. “Owwww,” he said, “that hurts. Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

January 14, 2009
Happy (Guess What?) Day

   Every day is some sort of holiday. If it isn’t a real holiday, it’s a Hallmark-created holiday or some association-created obscure holiday.

This game won't do much for your self esteem

To celebrate all the obscure holidays out there, the scientists at Ames Scullin O’Haire Holiday Research Laboratories have created one of the most challenging and difficult games ever placed on the worldwide interwebs. Simply go to the website listed below and prepare to get humiliated and shamed.

   If you get three answers in a row right, you’re pretty good. Six in a row is pretty incredible. Ten correct answers in a row is epic and you deserve rose petals tossed at your feet and angels flying in circles around your noggin.

   But more than likely, your performance will be crap and you’ll take up residency in Suckville. The game is tough. Are you tough enough to play? You’ve got 365 chances for dominance. Or not. We’re thinking not.

   Go here for your shaming: http://www.whatstheholiday.com

   After your pain, challenge your friends to play. Bringing others down does have its therapeutic benefits. Good luck, this is your lucky day–– whatever day it is.

January 9, 2009
Love In The Twitter Age

Throughout history, many love affairs have been chronicled through poetry, letters and song. In the future, we will have tracks of Twitters to detail the emotional wealth of modern day people, as told in fewer than 140 characters. What follows is the start of a love story for the ages, as told on Twitter.

Allegory432 Had great time with you tonight. Felt so comfortable, natural. Hope you feel same. Love that restaurant!!! Great times!!! Thanks.

Pernicious41 Glad you had a great time because I did, too. Agree the restaurant is fabulous and your company made it even tastier. Darn, running out of s

Allegory432 Space limited on Twitter. Must be concise, talk in appetizer-size chunks, not main courses. LOL. Some friendly advice. See you soon?

Pernicious41 Absolutely, I’d love to see you soon. Do you like Thai? I love it, I do I do. I know a great Thai restaurant that serves the best–uh oh, no

Allegory432 Love Thai. What day? What time? Won’t eat til then. LOL

Pernicious41 Well, let’s see. Friday’s bad because I’m getting back from Boston late. Are you free Saturday? If you are free, I can pick you up at your p

Allegory432 You ran out of space again– just give me time on Sat., I’ll be ready, with track shoes on. LOL

Pernicious41 Well, let’s see. Saturday I usually go to the gym for a good workout. I have a bunch of errands to run and that’ll take time, oh no, space i

Allegory432 Just tell me what time, I’ll be ready. Time, that’s all I need– the time.

Pernicious41 O.K., you want a good time for me to come by and pick you up. No problem. Let’s see, my errands will take a couple hours, easy, oh no, not a

Allegory432 Remember, must be concise on Twitter! What time?

Pernicious41 When you’re right, you’re right. I do need to be more concise than I have been on Twitter because it seems I keep running out of space– oop

Digi-Luv Can Be Cruel

Allegory432 Just type the time. I’ll be ready then.

Pernicious41 Well, I suppose I could pick you up at 7:00 or so, but that might put us in prime time restaurant rush hour. Let’s see, maybe I could, ohhhh

Allegory432 I can be ready at 6. Is 6 good with you?

Pernicious41 Six in the PM? I suppose I could finish my errands, get home and shower, shave, get ready and drive on over to your place by then if that is

Allegory432 U ran outta space again. Is 6 good, OR WHAT?!!! You could just call me to discuss.

Pernicious41 Oh, I know I could call, but that technology seems so yesterday. I need to master this brave new world of Twitter and get with it because th

Allegory 432 You did it again. Are you a Twitter virgin? LOL

Pernicious41 I know I keep running out of space. The Twitter character counter keeps telling me that, but I just backtrack to a “0” count and post, it’s

Allegory 432 Can you pick me up at 6 on Sat?

Pernicious41 Well, I think I can be to your place by six, I mean, I think I can be ready by then and get across town in traffic, I just have to see if I

Allegory432 You got clipped AGAIN! Not LOL. Are you going to pick me up at 6– yes or no, PLEASE!

Pernicious41 You know this Twittering really is something. I mean, it forces one to get to the quick of the matter, no matter what the subject. I believe

Allegory432 This wasn’t meant to be. Good luck with your life and finding the woman of your dreams.

Pernicious41 Does this mean we’re not doing Thai on Saturday? That’s a shame because I think we could have had a terrific time at that restaurant I was t

January 4, 2009
2008-Blagojevich-Father Time-Madoff Scandal

Father Time could serve time for illegal actvities

   In a stunning development, the year 2008, Rod Blagojevich, Father Time and Bernard Madoff have all been arrested and charged with trying to alter the state of the universe and the natural order of things.

   In early December, the year 2008 became depressed that it would soon be coming to an end. Sources close to 2008 report that associates of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich contacted 2008 and offered it a way to extend its life beyond December 31.

   Allegedly, 2008 was told that if it paid $20 billion, Blagojevich would get the aged year “an immortality seat” so that it would not have to die on December 31st and give way to 2009. Blagojevich was caught on FBI recordings assuring 2008, “You wanna live forever, like those f****** dancers in that f****** film, ‘Fame’? Then pay me the m***** f****** money, now! F***, I love to say f***!”

   While 2008 gathered the required capital for the bribe, Blagojevich reached out to Father Time. In recorded conversations, Blagojevich offered Father Time “a cool f****** billion” if he’d just forget 2009 for another year and let 2008 keep on going. Father Time stroked his beard slowly and said that was asking a lot. Blagojevich upped the ante to “$3 f****** billion.” Father Time stroked his beard while combing Blagojevich’s hair, and the deal was done.

Blago caught swearing!!!

   2008 did as instructed and paid the $20 billion in unmarked $5 and $100 bills to Blagojevich. “Don’t worry,” Blagojevich reassured the wrinkly year, “we’re gonna get you a f****** re-do! F*** 2009! 2008 is getting another f****** at bat!”

   Blagojevich took his $20 billion and doled out $3 billion to Father Time. Blago asked Father Time what he was going to do with his fortune (not relaying how much money he had made on the scheme). “Oh,” said Father Time, “I’m going to invest it and let time make my money lots more money.”

   “F******-A,” said Blagojevich, “that sound f****** great. Deal me in.” Both men met separately with uber-investor Bernard Madoff and placed all their bribe money into his hedge fund with assurances they couldn’t lose a dime.

   “I know what I’m doing,” said Madoff. “Your money’s safe, sound and will grow like gangbusters. You just can’t lose– I’m the magic man, I am, I am!” Madoff said as he danced about wheelbarrows filled with cash and fluffed bills into the air.

"Magic Man" revealed as scam artist.

   Then the hammer came down, hard. On December 12, Madoff was arrested after admitting he was running a Ponzi scheme and had been bilking investors out of billions for years.

   When Father Time learned of the scam, he thought he had been set up by Blagojevich and Madoff, so he lifted his suspension of time. The year 2008 looked in the mirror and began seeing a lot more wrinkles, a receding hairline and he felt achy all over.

   Blagojevich became agitated after he heard the news of Madoff’s arrest. “F****** f*** f*** f***!” he said to an associate in FBI recordings, “I hate gettin’ f****** played like a f****** chump!”

   It appears 2009 will arrive at 12:00 EST tonight as scheduled.

December 31, 2008
I’m Dreaming of A Green Christmas

   Christmas has come and gone and soon we’ll all be striking the holiday-decorated sets of our homes. Which always brings sadness to me because I feel guilty dragging our artificial tree out to the curb for garbage collection.

It looks so natural, so real, it seems a shame to throw the darn thing out!

  It seems to me someone should come up with a greener way to deal with artificial trees. It not only seems wasteful, but it also harmful to good ol’ mother nature.

   I know what you’re thinking– why not just burn the artificial tree? Well, I’ve tried that in the past and ended up with singed eyebrows and a stink I couldn’t get out of my clothes for months.

   So, I’ll do like the rest of America and throw my beautiful, expensive artificial tree on the trash heap of humanity.

   I wish someone would come up with a recycling program for artificial trees. Maybe that’s what I’ll ask Santa for next Christmas.

December 28, 2008