The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Farewell to The King of Cool

     

    Newman liked him some eggs.
    Newman liked him some eggs.

         It’s a crappy day. The earth no longer has Paul Newman. Damn shame, that. 

         Newman had the looks, talent, humor, compassion, empathy, faithfulness, fearlessness and boundless energy we all crave. He was also generous and caring, helping unfortunate kids by donating millions in profits from the sales of his various food products.

         As an artist, he owned every scene he appeared in, not by chewing scenery but by being in the moment, enveloping his character in the story and occupying the human condition completely. Maybe that’s why everyone was able to relate to Paul Newman. He may have been better looking than us, but he was one of us. 

         Newman led a rich life. He fought in WW II, studied ‘the method’ with Lee Strasberg, did Broadway, burnished himself into pop culture through a series of unforgettable roles in classic films like “Hud”, “Cool Hand Luke”, “The Hustler”, “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid”, “The Verdict” and many more. He fathered six children from two marriages (staying married to Joanne Woodward for over 50 years), lost his only son to a drug overdose, raced cars and was good enough to win, was politically active enough to make Richard Nixon’s enemy’s list (in some very good company), directed plays and movies, led workshops and throughout it all was generous and philanthropic.

         The man is gone but fortunately he left us pieces of himself to enjoy and explore. He also left us a spirit and joy to emulate. 

    Thanks.

  • My Bad: An Apology

     

    With a little help, I now see the light. All hail chimps!
    With a little help, I now see the light. All hail chimps!

         Upon further review of my last few entries where I unfairly said completely asinine and unfounded things about chimpanzees, I wish to apologize to all of humanity and especially the cherished primate community.

         Chimps are great and noble and deserve praise for everything they do. They are our friends and should never EVER be questioned.

         They are also quite persuasive.

         In short, chimps are champs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Their Dirty Little Secret (Pt. 2)

     

    Guess who wants your money?
    Guess who wants your money?

         Doing a little investigative journalistic work, I think I’ve blown the lid off this whole Wall Street meltdown… and it ain’t pretty.

         Think about it: Wall Street lobbyists grease the palms of politicians who pass laws deregulating the banking industry so they can sell sub-prime loans to any jamoke with a pulse then take those risky loans and re-sell them to investors building a shaky house of cards that comes tumbling down so now they’re asking the government for a blank check to give the same hucksters who created the problem a nice payday so that they can skip off into the sunset with pockets stuffed leaving taxpayers with two fistfuls of diddly squat.

        So who’s at fault? Hmmm, they see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil…

  • Are We Making A $700 Billion Mistake? (Pt. 1)

     

    Hey, what the heck! What the freakin’ heck!
    Hey, what the heck! What the freakin’ heck!

         I don’t know about you, but I’m worried sick. This financial market meltdown is giving me the willies, and now I think I see the devious greedy paws of chimps on the taxpayer’s checkbook.

         Get a load of this: while Bernanke and Paulson are begging politicians for a big fat Wall Street payday, chimps dressed to the nines have been spotted in the crowd, hungrily licking their chops.

         Now I’m not usually an alarmist, but what if these chimps are behind the entire brouhaha? What if it was their clever plot to deregulate the financial markets, slash rates and make money easy to get, take on a ton of bad debt, fail miserably and then stick it to taxpayers to bail the banks out? Are chimps running Wall Street? Are we patsies, being played like a glockenspiel?

         Now some may think I’m out of line here, but I’m going to Brooks Brothers to see if chimps and monkeys are snatching up fancy duds.  Something stinks here, stinks to high heaven.

  • Monkeys Are Making Monkeys Of Us

     

    Is it a real cop, or an imposter? (Look closely)
    Is it a real cop, or an impostor? (Look closely)

         They think they’re so smart, and maybe they are, but monkeys are often discovered posing as authority figures endangering life as we know it here on this planet many of us call “home.”

         Imagine being wheeled into the operating room and your last vision before drifting off to slumberville is a monkey behind a surgical mask, his clumsy fingers fumbling about the razor sharp scalpels on the surgical tray.

         Or picture yourself taking your favorite suit into the tailor shop for alterations, and the guy measuring your inseam suddenly begins throwing angry hairy-armed haymakers into your unsuspecting crotch.

         What if you were in church and the collection basket came your way and you noticed it was filled with banana peels–– then you see your pew consists of monkeys in their Sunday best! Holy is the moly!

         We must all be ever vigilant in unmasking these impostors and bringing them to public attention. If we do not, I fear our very fabric of life will unravel like some sort of unraveling thingy.

  • 9 Reasons To Never Invite A Monkey To Dinner

     

    You're in for a verrrry long night!
    BIG mistake–– you're in for a verrry long night, people!

    1.  Monkeys smell like monkeys.

    2   Monkeys rarely put napkins in their laps and never know the proper fork to use.

    3.  Monkeys are picky eaters (especially when it comes to noodle casseroles).

    4.  Ask a monkey to pass you something, nine times out of ten he’ll fling it at your head.

    5.  Monkeys usually leave “markings” on the tablecloth, and you can’t ‘Shout’ them out.

    6.  Monkey see, monkey do. C’mon monkeys, how about a little originality?!!!

    7.  They’re poor conversationalists. If you mention evolution, monkeys shut down quickly.

    8.  Monkeys are dessert hogs. Never try to get a bite of their banana cream pie.

    9.  Monkeys won’t excuse themselves to go to the bathroom. They just go, go, go. Disgusting.