Author: PD Scullin

Anchorman Lou Dobbs would take a bullet for disgraced former President Donald J. Trump, but that obedient loyalty couldn’t save him from being fired by Fox Business Channel.

“Fox gave me my walking papers,” an upset Dobbs told The Lint Screen. “That’s the thanks I get for giving them the best years of my life. I’m only 75, for Pete’s sake. I could have given Fox another 25 or 30 more good years. Instead, they make me a victim of cancel culture for telling the truth. Thank God we have QAnon and Marjorie Taylor Greene not afraid to tell it like it is. And we blessed to have patriots like The Proud Boys to storm the Capitol and hunt down traitors!”

Many industry insiders suspect the firing came as a result of Dobbs being named a defendant in a $2.7 billion lawsuit filed by election technology company Smartmatic. Hyperbolic Fox anchors, Maria Bartiromo and Jeanine Pirro were also named in the lawsuit.

“I guess that election company is upset because I wouldn’t lie,” Dobbs says. “I told America the truth–– Donald Trump was cheated of his second term by these voting machine companies. Trump told us he won in a landslide. He won all 50 states! But somehow, magically, four days later they add all the votes and say Biden won. We go from a Trump landslide to a loss in four days! How crazy is that? Kevin McCarthy better do something about this!“

Dobbs face bloats and turns bright red. He takes a deep breath and continues.

“Something was definitely hinky. I mean, why would Donald Trump lie about a landslide victory? He’s our president for crying out loud. If America can’t believe its president, who can we believe? Biden is to blame for this! Check Hunter Biden’s laptop. Hillary’s emails. What about Benghazi? We need to stop the steal. Now!!!”

Dobbs begins hyperventilating. An assistant helps him by holding a paper bag over his pie hole. When the anchorman calms and catches his breath, he elaborates.

“The voting machine technology was invented by Hugo Chavez (who died in 2013),” Dobb rants. “Chavez was a socialist. The Democrats want Americans to become socialists. They want to take our guns and bibles and force us to have sex with animals then have abortions. Trump is the chosen one! Only he can save us from Biden, AOC, and the mob of Democrat desperadoes. Wake up America! The caravan is coming, the caravan is coming! Build the wall! Cage the children! Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi!!!”

The assistant quickly runs to the corner, grabs a rifle, aims, and tags Dobbs with a tranquilizer dart. The bug-eyed looney stumbles around like he’s downed a bottle of Chivas. Dobbs topples over a coffee table, and falls face first to the ground.

“Only Trump can protect us,” he whispers, before going off to slumberland.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene sees monsters in every shadow. And on Groundhog Day, that monster is Punxsutawney Phil.

“We must stop celebrating Groundhog Day,” Greene told The Lint Screen. “We can’t allow one rodent in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania to rule our weather. He’s condemning us to six more weeks of winter. Oh, and another thing– that lousy groundhog stole the election for Joe Biden. This dastardly varmint must be stopped!”

Greene is a kook from Georgia who believes all sorts of conspiracy theories. Her latest one about Punxsutawney Phil is a doozy even for her.

“That groundhog is a mole put here by George Soros, Dr. Fauci, and Tom Hanks,” Greene preached. “The critter connived and cheated Donald J. Trump his rightful place on the throne of the presidency. Trump was put here by God and that groundhog was put here by the devil himself.”

Greene believes the groundhog shoots lasers from its eyes and breathes fire.

“Punxsutawney Phil took millions of ballots for Trump and lasered them into oblivion,” Greene claims. “He also burned countless Trump ballots. Like a dragon! The groundhog must have done something bad because Donald Trump told us he won in a landslide–– and that man don’t lie. It’s pretty suspicious President Trump somehow lost days after the election.”

The nutty representative thinks the groundhog is not good for democracy.

“The only way America will ever be free is to surrender itself to Donald J. Trump,” she said. “This Pennsylvania groundhog has a mind meld with Joe Biden and is controlling him to destroy out country and our freedoms by trying to inject every American with what they’re calling a vaccine. Know what it really is? It’s a magic potion that causes people to obey whatever Biden says. God only knows what evil Soros will tell Biden to do. If we allow this groundhog to live, we’re destined to become a socialist country with national healthcare and Antifa clubhouses on every corner.”

Greene said she will be meeting with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy soon to discuss some of the problems she sees ahead.

“These are dangerous times,” the blond gun-totin’ looney said. “And we must get Trump back in office to stop this hoax pandemic and make our country great again. That’s all the patriots were trying to do on January 6–– to bring our country back together again under the excellent leadership of Trump. And the only way to do that was hanging Mike Pence, traitor RINOs, and every Democrat in the Capitol.”

Greene leans in and whispers. “I suspect that groundhog is also a Jew.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The world of investigative journalism was rocked by The Lint Screen when it obtained an exclusive recording of the conversation between House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy and twice impeached former president Donald J. Trump.

A reporter disguised as a Mar A Lago waiter planted a recording device in the room where the power brokers met. Here is a transcript of the conversation between Donald Trump (DT) and Kevin McCarthy (KM).

KM: Mister President, I have to say this is the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. It’s absolutely magnificent! Breathtaking!

DT: Everyone says that, Kevin. They say Mar A Lago is very tasteful. Very refined. Very swanky. Now, don’t try and butter my bread. I heard what you said about me having a part in that little misunderstanding on January 6.

KM: That was fake news, Mr. President.

DT: I saw the video, Kevin.

KM: I was misquoted. The press took it out of context.

DT: I heard exactly what you said, Kevin. It sounded like you thought I was to blame. You were showing signs of having a spine. Have you grown a spine, Kevin? Do you suddenly have balls?

KM: Oh, no, Mr. President. You know me, I am a very weak man. A jelly spine. Completely castrated. No bravery or integrity whatsoever and––

DT: You were disobeying your master, Kevin. You didn’t show loyalty.

KM: No, Mister President, please, perish that thought. I will do whatever it takes to show my absolute loyalty to you.

DT: Will you wear the Trump brand?

KM: A Trump necktie? MAGA hat? Trump tee shirt? I’ll wear whatever you like.

DT: No, my brand, Kevin. My name branded on your ass. All my most loyal followers have it as proof of their undying allegiance to me.

KM: Well, I uh––

DT: So, you are showing signs of a spine!

KM: No, no, not me. Sure, Mister President. I’d love to wear your brand. It would be an honor. When can I schedule that– next month? I’m really looking forward to it.

DT: No. Now, Kevin. (SHOUTS) Jared! Jared, he’s ready!

JARED KUSHNER WALKS IN WITH A RED HOT BRANDING IRON WITH THREE INCH LETTERS READING TRUMP

JK: Drop your pants, Kevin, and bend over.

KM: Maybe we could do this later––

DT: Now, Kevin! I need to know you’re on Team Trump.

KM: Yes, master.

MCCARTHY DROPS HIS PANTS AND UNDERWEAR. JARAD FIRMLY APPLIES THE HOT TRUMP BRAND TO MCCARTHY RIGHT BUTTOCK.

KM: Owwwwwwwwwwwww!

AFTER FIFTEEN SECONDS OF SIZZLING FLESH, JARAD REMOVES THE BRAND AND SMILES.

DT: I love the smell of fresh-branded flesh.

JK: Is there anything else, Mr. President?

DT: No. Beat it, Jared. Tell Ivanka I want to see her at five. Room 616. Tell her to wear something lacy. Red.

JK: Yes, Mr. President.

JARED SCAMPERS OUT OF THE ROOM.

DT: Pull your pants up, Kevin, I don’t want to see your junk.

KM: Yes, master. Do you think I could get an ointment?

DT: No! Think cool thoughts. And don’t you ever disobey me again, do you understand?

KM: Yes, master. Never. I am yours. How may I serve you?

DT: Marjorie Taylor Greene. I like that girl’s guts. She makes a lot of sense. Very smart. I want you to give her more power. I want Greene to be the voice of the Republican Party.

KM: Yes, master. I will do as you command.

DT: And I don’t want anyone in the Capitol to ever disgrace the patriots who came to save democracy on January sixth. They were trying to stop the steal, showing loyalty to Trump. I want all Republicans to fall in line. You tell Mitch he better get his people on board or there will be hell to pay. Hell to pay! I don’t want a single Republican to vote for impeachment. Not one!

KM: Yes, Master.

DT: I won the election fair and square.

KM: Absolutely. Fair and square.

DT: In a landslide.

KM: Landslide.

DT: Everyone knows Biden cheated. He stole the election.

KM: Stop the steal!

DT: Black people don’t have the right to vote. They never did.

KM: No black votes. Blacks don’t count.

DT: And for chrissakes, don’t say the last part out loud. Just get state GOP leaders to get more voting restrictions for blacks.

KM: State leaders have to get in line. No black votes.

DT: Good. You’ve got your marching orders, Kevin–– if you ever cross me again, or show one shred of decency, integrity, or bravery, I’ll have your head on a pike. Now get the hell out of my sight.

KM: Yes, Master. You are the greatest president ever, the greatest man ever, the greatest––

DT: Quit kissing my ass, McCarthy. Beat it! You disgust me!

MCCARTHY RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM, BLOOD SEEPING FROM HIS PANTS. THE END.

While Americans are engaged in a fierce battle with COVID-19, Republican politicians are grappling with a rare spinal disease called Jellyboneitis, a mysterious affliction that causes a complete failure of the spine.

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell slithered to the microphone, was hung up on a coat rack, and spoke to reporters.

“Three weeks ago I was fine,” the frog-faced evil one said. “I thought that what President Trump did on January 6 was wrong and he should be impeached. Then I caught that horrible disease with the funny name. Now I don’t think we should convict Trump just because of a little misunderstanding at the Capitol. We need to forgive and forget. That’s the American way.”

Sen. Ted Cruz agreed.

“The Democrats are horrible, petty people,” the Texas Senator told The Lint Screen. “They are trying to divide our nation. All Trump and the GOP did was try to overthrow the government so we could keep our democracy free. We only betrayed the Constitution to achieve freedom by ignoring the election results and making Donald J. Trump emperor for life! Where’s the harm in that?”

Yesterday, 55 GOP senators voted against holding an impeachment trial for Trump proving they have Jellyboneitis.

“There was nothing wrong with what the president did on January 6,” Sen. Lindsey Graham said. “At first, I was mistaken and criticized President Trump for inciting an insurrection and having his people storm the Capitol. Then some angry Trump supporters yelled at me at the airport. I think one of them must have had Jellyboneitis because I suddenly thought that what the president did was fine. He just encouraged his people to tour the Capitol and take craps, urinate, steal, deface the people’s house, attack police, kill, find the traitor Mike Pence and hang him, and work to destroy our democratic republic. Where’s the crime in that? I don’t see it.”

“That spinal disease has really done a number on me,” Sen. Marco Rubio said. “I have absolutely no backbone, no courage, no inclination to do anything but praise Trump for his incredible smarts and leadership. How pathetic is that?”

“Jellyboneitis has knocked me for a loop,” Sen. Ron Johnson said. “I had no integrity before I got it, and now I’m all for supporting treasonous behavior. Seems all I want to do is kiss Trump’s butt.”

Sen. Rand Paul also has the disease.

“I’m an asshole when I’m healthy,” Paul said. “With this spinal thing, I am an asshole of biblical proportions. I’ve got a horrible case of hypocrisy. But I’ve always had that.”

Sen. Josh Hawley who along with Cruz was a vocal advocate for overturning election results also has come down with Jellyboneitis.

“I have zero honor, integrity, or courage,” Hawley said. “And because of Jellyboneitis, I not only have no strength to stand up to the wannabe dictator Donald Trump, I’ve also developed craven, cynical political motives for promoting myself as patriot while I try to destroy democracy. I think I may run for president someday, if President Trump lets me. All I have to do is continue worshipping him. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

The GOP is not seeking any treatment for Jellyboneitis. They seem perfectly happy to show no political courage.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Lame duck Donald Trump is planning the final day of his presidency which he will begrudgingly relinquish to Joe Biden on Wednesday, January 20th at 12:01 p.m.

The twice impeached president has been working closely with his vivacious daughter Ivanka Trump and her weenie of a hubby Jared Kushner in making plans for a grand send off from Washington before he infects Florida.

The ceremony will feature a military color guard, a military 21-gun salute, and a parade of Proud Boys featuring a rousing AR-15 2100-gun salute.

“Since we didn’t capture the Capitol on January sixth,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “The Proud Boys have lots of leftover ammo. They’ll use some of it to celebrate my four years of making America great.”

A red cashmere carpet will be laid down and Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Tucker Carlson will frolic down the plush path tossing rose petals into the air before Trump marches to his throne and observes the festivities in his honor.

There will be a military marching band, jugglers, acrobats, stilt walkers, a marching 90-piece symphony orchestra, contortionists, caged mimes for torturing, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade cartoon character balloons, face painters, tattoo artists, clowns making cute animal balloons, trained dogs, chimpanzees, and horses performing amazing feats, ferris wheels, a Tilt-A-Whirl, cotton candy machines, Belgian waffles, funnel cakes, candy apples, salt water taffy, bacon-wrapped filets on a stick, butter-fried lobster tails, deep fried caviar, Big Macs, buckets of KFC, Dom Perignon snow cones, and deep friend Perrier Water.

“I want this to be better than any party Washington has ever seen,” Ivanka said. “Daddy deserves it since that mean Joe Biden stole the election from him. Daddy won in a landslide, he told me he won bigly time when I sat on his lap for six hours on election night.”

Sen. Josh Hawley and Sen. Ted Cruz will fight in a cage match to determine who is the biggest and best Trump sycophant. The winner will face Sen. Lindsey Graham, then Rep. Jim Jordan, and Rep. Devin Nunes.

“It’s going to be a real dogfight,” the prez’s sidekick Kevin McCarthy said. “This is like the ultimate smackdown of ultimate ass kissers.”

When the festivities end, Trump and his family will load into Air Force One for one last ride heading south to his fab-o estate Mar-A-Lago where the monied class will want nothing to do with the shamed ex-president.

“I’ve been a great president,” Trump said. “Everyone says I’m the best ever. And who am I to argue?”

The president gives his signature two thumbs up as a large white “L” appears on his orange forehead.

Bye Don!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Today President Donald J. Trump made history as he became the first president in U.S. history to be impeached twice.

“It’s an incredible achievement,” Trump told the The Lint Screen. “No one has ever seen a worse president than me. My first impeachment was for extorting a foreign government for dirt on a political opponent, and my second impeachment is for inciting insurrection. My track record makes Johnson and Clinton look like school kids. And Nixon didn’t even have the guts to get impeached–– he resigned like a chicken.”

Trump is especially proud of the riot he caused on Wednesday, January 6, 2021.

“I had my mob of white terrorists ransack the Capitol.” Trump said, smiling smugly. “People died. Can you imagine the powerful feeling that gave me? I watched it on TV cheering. They would have killed politicians like Pelosi, Schumer, that coward Mike Pence who betrayed me. But they all hid like frightened little kids.”

The president is delighted his presidency is ending on such a high note.

“I am the best at being bad,” Trump said. “I am a lock for being the worst president ever. No one even comes close. I mean, how many other leaders actively worked to destroy democracy? No one. Only Trump. And the most amazing thing? My people will believe any bullshit I feed them. Hell, they still think I won the election because I told them I did- in a landslide!”

Trump gives his signature two thumbs up and smiles. “I am the world’s greatest.” He pauses. “Please don’t tell Vladimir I said that.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.