Author: PD Scullin

A star was born at last night’s Vice Presidential Debate, and it wasn’t V.P. Mike Pence or V.P. candidate Kamala Harris–– it was the fly who made his debut on the stage of Mike Pence’s snow-white skullcap.

The fly, who identified itself as Rex, was all the Americans could talk about. Hollywood uber-agent Ari Emanuel immediately contacted Rex The Fly and signed him.

Emanuel contacted Netflix CEO Reed Hastings before the debate ended. The King of Streaming was excited. Emanuel negotiated a multi-million-dollar exclusive deal for Rex The Fly to star in a Netflix series, rumored to debut in the Spring of 2021.

“Rex gave an incredible performance,” Ari Emanuel told The Lint Screen. “He’s a natural. That fly oozes charisma and charm. You can’t look away from him. The world can’t get enough. I think Rex is destined to become a superstar. A global sensation. Mark my words, and I know entertainment, Rex The Fly is the Tom Cruise of insects.”

Hastings said Netflix couldn’t be more excited about his latest series.

“We’re putting together an incredible team. We’ve got the superstar showrunners on Game of Thrones, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, developing storylines right now. And they think this new series is going to blow Game out of the water for drama, engagement, and buzz.”

Emanuel chimed in that he is building a dream team of stars to work on the upcoming un-named Rex The Fly Netflix series.

“We’ve got an incredible roster of talent signed-on, excited to work with Rex,” Ari gushed. “I’m talking our greatest directors jonesing to do episodes–– Quentin Tarantino, David Fincher, Martin Scorsese, Christopher Nolan, to name a few. And, some huge marquee names excited to have Rex buzz their heads–– Meryl Streep, Leonardo DiCaprio, Scarlett Johansson, Beyoncé, Shahrukh Khan, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, and, of course, Nicole Kidman. Nicole’s in everything.”

President Trump could not allow Rex The Fly to have his moment in the limelight without commenting.

“That fly was my idea,” Trump bragged. “And the fly will never be as big a star as I was in The Apprentice. I never got the credit I deserved. Very unfair.”

Stay tuned for big things from Rex The Fly.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

FDR was dead wrong. According to President Donald J. Trump, it’s not fear we have to fear, but fear of coronavirus. The most powerful man in the world tells The Lint Screen, “We have nothing to fear but COVID-19 itself.”

Trump discharged himself from Walter Reed National Military Medical Center after he showed a global pandemic who’s tougher.

“I kicked COVID’s ass,” the president gasps. He raises his right arm, huffs, and puffs, catching his breath. “Don’t let it dominate you.” The president doubles over, winded. After two minutes, he rises back up and declares, ” I am Superman.”

Trump announced to the world be was tussling with COVID-19 in an early morning Tweet on Friday after he had spent the day spreading his coronavirus at a fundraiser (complete with buffet line!) in New Jersey.

“I want to spread COVID,” the prez says in short breaths. “And make people immune.” He doubles over again.

White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows orders a team of doctors to wheel in an oxygen tank. Trump grabs the oxygen tank’s plastic face mask and slaps it over his sweaty kisser. He waves the doctors away as he sucks deeply on oxygen for a few minutes catching his breath.

“I need more ‘roids,” the patient-in-chief barks to his medical team. “Give me roids, now, dammit!” Trump is on a steady diet of powerful steroids to battle COVID-19. The doctors scurry to attend to the president.

“I haven’t felt this good in 20 years,” Trump wheezes. “I’m 110%.” His face is red, his eyes bulge, and he commands, “More oxygen!” The docs help him put his face mask back on. He takes deep breaths, catches some wind, removes the mask, and blurts, “I’ve done a great job on COVID.”

Trump collapses to the floor as his medical team scrambles to help him. Mark Meadows orders reporters out of the office.

“The president needs to get back to presidenting,” Meadows says. “Nothing to see here, folks. President Trump is doing great.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The United States of America has fifty governors, but one stands out for thoughtfulness for his people: Texas Republican Governor Greg Abbott.

Today Abbott talked with The Lint Screen about his revolutionary plan to save his constituents “from the bother of voting” and why he’s doing it.

“Look, you might have heard there’s a pandemic out there,” Abbott says. “I don’t want to expose my Texans to the potential dangers of COVID-19. There’s been a lot of fighting about the legitimacy of voting by mail and the risks of voting in person and being beaten by white supremacists, so I grabbed the bull by the horns and made an executive decision–– I’ll protect my people and save them the hassle of voting. I’ll just vote for them.”

Abbott plans to decide what he believes the voting results will be in each of the 254 counties in Texas.

“I know my people better than anyone,” Abbott brags, “so naturally I always know in my bones the will of my citizens. And they can rest easy knowing I’ve got their backs on this.”

The kindhearted governor said he decided to spearhead voting chores because he saw the potential for trouble if the election was held in the traditional manner.

“For the love of God, we can’t even agree about wearing masks,” Abbott says with a chuckle. “Holding this election the same way we’ve always done would be a recipe for disaster. Let’s face facts, this COVID-19 Democrat hoax is so danged good, even President Trump and his beautiful bride Melania got themselves a dose. Democrats are devious cusses, let me tell you.”

Asked how he will ensure Texans can be confident in his forecasting their votes at the ballot box, the governor waves a dismissive hand.

“Texans know my heart is always with them,” the guv said. “Look, Texans are very busy people, and they know I am only doing this because it’s the neighborly thing to do. And, pardners, I am happy to do it!”

Abbott rubs his hands together.

“Boy howdy, it’s going to be awfully interesting to see how this race turns out. I can’t wait to know how Texans are going to decide this horse race. Y’all can color this cowboy curious!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Chris Wallace, the last journalist at Fox News, almost lost his life last night as he moderated the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

“It was a living hell,” Wallace told The Lint Screen after the ninety minutes of verbal abuse. “Congress needs to get emergency law and order funding before the next debate. My producer joked I needed a whip, chair, and elephant tranquilizer gun to maintain order. I punched him in the mouth and said, ‘Shut up, smartass, I could have been killed.’ Trump ran amuck, and I had no protection. There needs to be law and order to contain this ‘law and order president’. He’s out of control.”

The debate was rock ’em sock ’em political brawling. America has never seen such an outrageous abuse of presidential powers.

“The next debate moderator needs the National Guard for protection,” Wallace said, visibly shaken and taking a long swig from a 1.75-liter bottle of Grey Goose. “Or at least mace, tasers, and an AK-47. No moderator should have to suffer the abusive pain I did tonight.”

Wallace guzzles more Goose. “It’s ugly and dangerous out there. Trump called on the Proud Boys for Chrissake. That MF-er has an army of armed White Supremacist lunatics. This dangerous thug must be stopped before he breaks democracy and becomes a dictator.“

The son of legendary investigative journalist Mike Wallace broke down crying.

“I love this country,” he sobbed. “And the only demonstration of American exceptionalism shown by Trump is his being an exceptional horse’s ass and bully. The man is out of his head.”

Wallace pulls on his Gray Goose bottle like a newborn suckling his mother’s breast. He snorts a few rails of Peruvian snow.

“Trump actually thinks he’s done a good job on the pandemic,” Wallace says, shaking his head. “That tells you everything. The guy watches too damn much Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity–– and he actually believes that bullshit. Unbelievable.”

The Fox News journalist swallows a fistful of pills, washes them down, and throws his empty Gray Goose bottle on the floor, shattering it.

“God help us all,” Wallace whimpered.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald J. Trump is a man who loves shattering norms. His latest conquest? The American election system.

Today the president invited The Lint Screen to The White House and claimed he won the 2020 presidential election “hands down. A tremendous landslide victory.” Asked how that was possible when the election day is not until November third, the president became irate.

“We can’t wait until November, it’s too dangerous,” Trump said. “We have all these phony ballots flooding the mail system. You know the ballots are fake. Everyone knows they’re fake. The entire vote by mail thing is a hoax. The Democrats are working with the deep state trying to deny me my rightful victory. I couldn’t let that happen. For the good of the country, I decided to cut to the chase and give the people what they want, what they demand–– Trump! People love me!“

Surrounded by his family members and close friends in the Oval Office, the president celebrated his alleged victory.

“Dad really crushed Biden,” Don Jr. boasted. “Buried him. Biden didn’t even get one vote.”

“That’s right, Donnie boy,” Trump flashed two thumbs up.

“Loverboy sweet lips won all fifty states easily,” Ivanka Trump said as her father slipped his right hand on her left buttock and winked at her. “He’s a very powerful man,” she said looking at her grinning father.

“Yes I am, babydoll,” the president cooed.

“I’m proud to be a member of the president’s cabinet,” said Jared Kushner.

“My dad’s really important,” said Eric Trump. “He said he’s going to get me a pony, and I can have pony rides whenever I want!”

“I was just kidding about the pony, Eric,” Trump said. “Don’t be a sucker.” The son’s lips trembled and he ran out of the room sobbing.

“Be nice to Eric, Donald,” Melania said as she slipped on her diamond tiara. “He is very fragile.”

Chief of Staff Mark Meadows was elated at the news of the election.

“The president is the greatest leader America has ever had,” Meadows said. “Thanks to his decisive landslide victory, all the GOP candidates on the ticket were also easily elected. And all the Democrats will immediately be removed from Washington. They’re troublemakers.”

“So now we have Congress, the Senate, and The White House,” Trump beamed. “After I put a stooge on the Supreme Court, we’ll have that, too. And my first order of business will be abolishing all these stupid elections. They waste too much money and energy. We’ll scrap democracy for a good old fashioned monarchy. Look around this room–– the Trump family has some fantastic bench strength. We can lead America incredibly well into the future.”

Don Jr. accidentally poked his right eyeball with a pen, tripped on his feet, and fell hitting his head on the Resolute desk as Tiffany jumped up and down, waving her arms to get her father’s attention. He ignored her and cuddled closer to Ivanka.

“Hop up on daddy’s lap, sugar,” he said to his blond daughter he calls the hot one. “We need to celebrate.”

Jared Kushner’s lips trembled and he ran out of the room sobbing.

Sen. Mitch McConnell slithered across the floor with his forked tongue piercing the air along the way as Sen. Lindsey Graham puckered his lips in hopes of the president mooning him. Attorney General William Barr also puckered his lips in anticipation.

It was business as usual in The White House.———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

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“Ivanka looks great in black,” President Donald Trump tells The Lint Screen. “She’s very sexy in dark colors, so she’s the perfect pick to replace Ginsburg. She’ll look a hell of a lot better in her black robe than Ginsburg did, I can tell you that.”

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who died last week at age 87, leaves a vacancy on The Supreme Court, and Trump is scrambling to replace her before the November 3rd election.

“I alone can lead America out of the catastrophe of eight years of Obama,” Trump crows. “And because I have this incredible power, my children also have it. Ivanka is my hot daughter, no offense Tiffany, but she is. I’d marry Ivanka if it were legal.”

Ivanka smiles and basks in her father’s adoration.

“Honey, you change that stupid law when you get on the Court,” he says with a wink. “I’ll leave Melania in a heartbeat.”

The president is not concerned that Ivanka won’t be confirmed because she lacks a legal degree or practical experience.

“If my administration has shown anything, it’s that experts don’t matter,” the leader of the free world declares.

“I’ve watched just about every episode of Law and Order,” Ivanka says. “And I was a huge fan of Judge Judy. Being a judge doesn’t seem that hard.”

“These guys like Fauci and all the science brainiac types think they know everything, but I’ve proved them wrong all the time with my hunches and gut instinct. Look at my terrific response to the pandemic. They predicted a hundred and eighty million Americans would die. I’ve kept it down to only two hundred thousand. Does the fake news give me credit for that? No.”

Trump believes Ivanka can learn the role of Supreme Court Justice.

“She’s always been a fast learner,” the president brags. “She’s like her old man. I’ve talked to Mitch McConnell about Ivanka replacing Ginsburg, and he’s behind her one-hundred percent. All the GOP Senators will fall in line. They know a good thing when they see it.”

Asked about Sen. Susan Collins and Sen Lisa Murkowski’s public statements that they will not back a Supreme Court nomination before the election, the commander-in-chief bristles.

“They’re women,” Trump says. “Some women like being difficult. I’ll get them to fall in line. And honey,” he says touching Ivanka’s arm, “if they don’t, you put them in prison when you become a Justice.”

“Yes, Daddy,” the vivacious first daughter coos. Jared Kushner cowers in the corner sucking his thumb.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.