Author: PD Scullin

The president of the United States says the man who wants his job “keeps little kids in cages, which is not nice, and then he eats them.”

Donald J. Trump, finishing the first term of what he calls “the most successful presidency in history,” has some harsh words for his Democratic rival, Joe Biden.

“It’s horrible what Biden does,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “A lot of people are saying he’s part of the huge Democrat pedophile ring, like Hillary’s pizza place. Not only is he a pedophile, he’s a cannibal. Biden does bad things to kids, nasty things, then grinds them up and makes sloppy joes. He eats them for lunch with a bag of Lay’s. It’s a disaster what he does.”

Asked where he got this damaging information, the president bristles.

“Look, I’m not a book nerd fact-checker. I’m telling you what a lot of people are saying. I’ve talked to a lot of the QAnon people–– good people, they like me–– and they told me all the terrible things Sleepy Joe does. QAnon people are patriots. They know I’m the Chosen One and the FBI is part of the deep state out to get me. They don’t want me making America great again.”

Trump crosses his arm.

“But they’re not going to stop me,” he says. “Not Biden, Crooked Hillary, or Obama. I’m going to save America. I have lots of great things planned for my second term. Big things. Very good things. There won’t be a pandemic, taxes, or unemployment. But there will be a great Trump economy. I’m going to fix the infrastructure, that opioid problem, and give Americans better healthcare. Very cheap healthcare, much much better than Obamacare. I’m going to do tremendous things. It will be incredible.”

Asked about his relationship with Steve Bannon, arrested this morning for being a dirty grifter scumbag, Trump cocked his head and looked confused.

“What’s that, Bannon? O’Bannon? Wasn’t that a TV show?”

This reporter reminded the president Steve Bannon was the mastermind of his 2016 campaign, a confidant, and chief strategist in Trump’s administration.

“I don’t know anything about this Brandon guy. I’m too busy trying to stop the postal service, working hard to save America, and saving the world. I can’t know everyone.”

Trump shakes his head and takes a deep breath.

“A lot of these QAnon people are saying Kamala Harris is an alien. Not an illegal alien, but a real alien–– from outer space. We can’t have a vice president from another planet. She’s not an American. Mike Pence is from Indiana. That’s in the United States. A lot of people don’t know that, but it is”

Trump ends the press conference and wanders away from the microphones. He chases a butterfly.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump has always had a keen eye for talent. On The Apprentice, he harnessed the incredible powers of Gary Busey, Ivanka Trump, and Dennis Rodman. Now America’s CEO has recruited Mike Lindell, the brilliant inventor of My Pillow.

“I’m tired of dealing with negative eggheads like Fauci,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “These science people are all glass-half-empty people. I like glass-filled-to-the-brim people, like Mike.”

Lindell smiles and winks at his good friend, the leader of the free world.

“It will be my pleasure to rid your country of COVID-19,” said Mr. My Pillow. “Although I agree with the president, it will someday magically disappear, just in case COVID-19 isn’t a hoax, I have invested money in a wonder drug called Oleandrin. It’s a botanical extract.”

“Botanical is a very big word. A scientific word,” the Trump said.

“Right, Mr. President. It means plant-based.” Trump nods knowingly.

“There are many, many plants,” said the commander-in-chief. “Most vegetables are plants. A lot of people don’t know that, but they are.”

“Oleandrin is made from a magic plant,” Lindell said. “One that instantly cures COVID-19.”

“It will be incredible,” Trump said. “I have signed an executive order to buy enough of this wonder drug for every American. I’m investing one trillion dollars and making the evil China virus go away.”

“Yes, sir, Mr. President,” Lindell says, smiling. “You are truly making America great again. You are undoubtedly the greatest leader the world has ever known, and we are lucky to have you.”

“I am also signing another executive order,” Trump said. “It’s for two-point-six trillion dollars to purchase every American a My Pillow with its new scent–– what’s that fragrance called again, Mike?”

“Chloroform, Mister President,” Lindell flashes a smile. “Chloroform helps people get a better night’s sleep.”

“We all could use that. All the Democrats do is lie and make people worry.” Donald Trump smiles. “Everything is going to be tremendous. I am doing an incredible job. Everyone says so.“

“Yes, yes you are, sir,” Lindell says as he fluffs a My Pillow. The president’s eyelids get heavy as Ivanka enters and kisses her father on the cheek.

Jared cowers in a corner.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

When it comes to protecting American democracy, President Trump delivers!

Today, the prez told The Lint Screen he is “worried sick about a horrible threat to democracy.”

Trump believes there is an army of “very evil people” dressed in blue attacking our country daily.

“They call themselves postal employees,” Trump says, crossing his arms. “I call them treasonous traitors.”

The president’s beef comes from Democrats wanting to fund the U.S. postal system to handle ballots for the upcoming presidential election.

“This is a complete disaster,” Trump says as sweat beads on his forehead. “If we allow that to happen, it will rig the election, and we have the danger of Sleepy Joe and Crazy Kamala sneaking into the White House. The next thing you know, they’d abolish all police and put minorities in the suburbs destroying housing prices. Corey Booker, who is a very angry black man, will make sure the suburbs become crime infested sewers. I’m working to protect suburban housewives. I love women. Ask Ivanka. Don’t ask Melania, ask Ivanka.”

The president pulls a monogrammed silk handkerchief from his suit pocket and begins mopping his slick brow.

“If we don’t shut down these postal service traitors, I could lose the election,” the fat sweaty man says. “And no one wants that to happen.” Trump wipes his wet brow again.

“These postal people also deliver bills,” Trump says as he wrings his handkerchief into a bucket with the presidential seal. “That’s very nasty. Bills are very bad. I never pay bills.”

Chief of Staff Mark Meadows enters with a large feather fan and begins waving it by the prez, creating a cool breeze. Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller enter the Oval Office and flank the commander-in-chief. They peel grapes and pop them into Trump’s pie hole.

“You’ve done an excellent job with COVID-19,” Meadows tells the president.

“You’re the best president ever,” says Jared. “Much better than Lincoln.”

Trump smiles, as content as a cat by the stove on a cold winter evening.

All is normal in Washington, D.C. Sleep tight, America, democracy is safe with President Trump at the helm.

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

Although the majority of Americans don’t trust President Trump and think the country is on the wrong track, the nation’s leader is enjoying tremendous popularity with “his people” at Mar-A-Lago, his exclusive community in Palm Beach, Florida.

“Too many Americans are not resourceful individuals,” C. Howard Smithson IV tells The Lint Screen as he sips a Macallan 30 Year Old Sherry Oak Single Malt Scotch Whisky. “They lack grit and determination,” the noble gentleman says through clenched jaw gripping a diamond-studded cigarette holder in his bright white teeth. “Rather than complaining about difficult times, they should pull themselves up by the bootstraps–– call their financial advisor and request more capital from their trust fund.”

“It’s quite simple,” says his wife Cecilia Lillibuck-Smithson, sipping her 1993 Dom Pérignon Champagne. “If circumstances are tight, people should call their wealth manager and request a little raise in their allowance. Or, an advance on their inheritance. But, no–– apparently they’d rather wear silly masks and panic.”

“I’m afraid many commoners don’t have a lick of common sense,” says Geoffrey Crowell III with his snifter of Remy Martin Louis XIII Cognac. “Or, they’re so miserly they will not liquidate some stock holdings. For God’s sake, man, take some profits off the table.”

“They probably fear capital gains,” Smithson IV says. “I’m sure President Trump will soon help Americans by reducing the outrageous capital gains taxes. They are an awful burden for we job creators.”

“They are lovee,” his wife confirms. “Between our eight estates internationally, we employ well over 70 servants. These poor souls could very well be put out on the street if taxes aren’t cut.”

The Mar-A-Lago set thinks the president is “doing fantastic” with the COVID-19 crisis.

“President Trump is a very calming figure,” says Lucille Perrins, of the Lea & Perrins Worcestershire fortune. “Why, if he says the coronavirus will disappear, then by gumbo, that it shall. The president has never lied to the American people. And all these lazy louts must all go back to work and get their filthy little urchins back in school. This riff-raff class is destroying our robust Trump economy.”

“But they won’t go back to the salt mines,” Howell Marstetter, Jr. says. “Why should they–– when the Democrats will give them a $600-a-week reward to sit on their derrieres. All because the masses a little disease and death.”

“It’s part of the nanny state,” chimes in Rita Fester-Newington, lifting her face from the mirror where she has just hoovered a line of Peruvian Dancing Dust. “Why show any gumption when the world revolves around your every need? The working classes simply must get back to work! President Trump should demand it. Send in the National Guard and force them back into the factories. And why are their children going to school when they could be working in the mills? The president must force them back to work. If there is bloodshed, so be it.”

“We should also dispense with this election nonsense,” says Cecilia Lillibuck-Smithson. “We simply must keep Donald Trump, our leader. He has made America great again and is bringing people together.”

“Here, here,” agrees her husband, C. Howard Smithson IV. “Let us begin a monarchy for the Trump family. King Donald has a nice ring to it.“

“Capital suggestion, old chap,” agrees Howell Marstetter, Jr. “And Trump’s first order of business should be sending that evil little Anthony Fauci to the gallows for starting this COVID-19 hullaballoo.

“I say we should have never allowed Italians into the country in the first place,” says Rita Fester-Newington dusting her nose. “It has been downhill ever since the Mayflower landed. First Americans first, say I!”

To that, the Mar A Lago crowd raise Waterford crystal glasses in a toast.

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

Louis DeJoy had no experience with the United States Postal Service before President Trump named him Postmaster General in May, but you’d never know it by his decisive leadership.

“I like to shake things up,” the Republican Party fundraiser and ex-businessman said. “That means taking a fresh look at a problem. And as I analyzed what’s wrong with our postal system, a thunderbolt of genius hit me–– The Pony Express!”

The GOP shill smiles. “Sometimes, the old ways are the best ways. Our Pony Express system was very dependable–– except for when the Injuns were on the warpath and attacked them. Since we’ve put all the tribes on reservations with casinos, that’s no longer an issue. So, I don’t see any problem with returning to a Pony Express.”

DeJoy thinks a horse-run mail distribution system will smooth many of the problems faced by today’s postal service.

“One of the reasons delivering our mail takes so gosh darn long is traffic jams,” DeJoy says. “But when you’re riding a fine colt, you can find your very own roads, blaze new trails, and get to destinations quicker. You’ll be able to send a letter from New York to Los Angeles in less than a month by Pony Express. Plus, we’ll get all those polluting mail trucks off the road–– that should please those AOC Green New Deal commie socialists.”

Asked if he thought if a return to the Pony Express will improve the efficiency and success of mail-in voting, Dejoy turns red and explodes.

“Hell, no,” he screams. “It’s like President Trump says, mail-in voting will never work in America. It just can’t be done. It’s impossible. It takes too long. We may as well try putting men on the moon. I told the president we’d have mail-in voting over my dead body. That will never happen.”

DeJoy hyperventilates. An associate brings him a paper sack, and the Postmaster General delivers his bald noggin into it. He huffs and puffs and calms himself down.

“Take it from me,” DeJoy says. “The Pony Express is a great solution. I mean, who doesn’t like horses?”

The Postmaster General leaves The Lint Screen offices whistling I’m Back In The Saddle Again.

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.

Mayberry is known as the idyllic American town. So, how is President Trump’s re-election campaign playing there? Here’s The Lint Screen exclusive report.

The boys are gathered outside Floyd’s Barber Shop, the epicenter of political talk in Mayberry.

ANDY: Now, fellas, I do believe this Donald Trump just might be maybe a little bit racist. Now, I may be out of line here, but––

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh, a racist! You don’t say, Andy. That’s big news. Big news.

ANDY: Now, I’m not casting stones here, I’m just saying––

GOOBER: No, I think you’re right as rain, Andy. I may be a dimwitted hayseed, but that Trump fella’s definitely as racist as the day is long.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh–– Trump doesn’t like blacks.

GOOBER: Nope. Or Mexicans, or Asians, or anyone who’s not a doggone white supremacist, either.

Deputy Barney Fife walks down the street and joins the group.

BARNEY: What are you boys flapping your gums about here?

ANDY: That Donald Trump fella.

BARNEY: Trump? Why the heck would you be wasting breath on him?

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh, Barney–– listen to this–– Andy thinks the president might be a little bit racist.

BARNEY: Well of course he’s racist! Trump wants to keep minorities out of the suburbs. He doesn’t even bother with dog whistles, these days, Trump does dog shouts.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh––’dog shouts’–– that’s a good one, Barney. ‘Dog shouts.’

GOOBER: Hey, you’re funny as anything, Barney.

ANDY: Now, Barney, you go and calm yourself down. You know what the doctor said about you getting so excited, what with your heart condition and everything.

BARNEY: Just don’t you worry, Ange, I’m fine. Healthy as a horse. But I’m telling you, ever since Trump did his Muslim ban, I’ve been madder than a one-legged rooster.

ANDY: ‘One-legged rooster’–– what’s that supposed to mean, Barney?

BARNEY: Just don’t you worry about it, Andy. You know what I’m saying. I’m telling you, as a practicing Muslim, I can’t accept Trump’s blatant racism toward my people.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh–– are you a Muslim, Barney?

BARNEY: Yes, Floyd, Yes I am a Muslim. You got a problem with that?

FLOYD: Ooh, no, Barney. No.

BARNEY: Good. I’m sure Donald Trump wouldn’t approve of religion or my wife Jameelah, either. She’s brown as a berry.

GOOBER: Hey, Barn, I didn’t know you got married.

BARNEY: Yes, Goober, yes I got married. Thelma Lou bored me to tears, so I married a good Muslim woman and we’re going to have a bunch of good Muslim kids–– if that’s all right with you.

GOOBER: Sure, Barney. Sure.

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh, a genuine Muslim family–– right here in Mayberry!

BARNEY: For crying out loud, Floyd, this is 2020–– not 1960–– we need to start accepting and loving each other.

ANDY: Well now, that’s a right nice idea, Barney.

BARNEY: You know, maybe Trump should look at a calendar sometime. He’s completely out of touch–– he thinks this is a ‘Leave It To Beaver’ world.

FLOYD: Ooh, that Eddie Haskell–– he’s a bad seed. Bad seed.

BARNEY: Look, I can’t jaw with you people all day long, I’ve got to get on my prayer rug. It’s almost time for Zuhar.

GOOBER: What’s a prayer rug, Barney? Can your prayer rug fly?

BARNEY’S EYES POP IN DISBELIEF. HE GETS ENRAGED, PIVOTS, AND WALKS QUICKLY DOWN THE SIDEWALK MUMBLING TO HIMSELF. HIS FRIENDS WATCH AND SMILE.

ANDY: Well, I declare, if that Barney don’t be everything…

FLOYD: Ooh, ooh–– Barney’s Muslim.

FADE TO BLACK

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Enjoy a wild ride across America as a young man wrestles with his libido, faith, and conscience working as a circus advance man. Get PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus.” Escape reality, laugh, and run away and join the circus. You’re one click away from a helluva adventure. Buckle up and go.