Today the president declared war against the horrendous criminal behavior of Joe Biden and his crime family by dispatching U.S. troops to all 194 countries in the world (save the U.S.A.).
“This is a national emergency,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “It’s like a million caravans. Very bad. Joe Biden and his criminal family are the biggest threat to the world ever. Even bigger than Godzilla with a nuclear bomb riding a meteor headed to Earth.”
Our magnificent leader is tired of pussyfooting around.
“Biden and his son Hunter have scammed our country out of trillions of dollars,” he said. “They are dirty, corrupt, disgusting people. It’s my job to protect Americans, and I’m going to do that. I have dispatched my armies, navy, air force, and space force to go discover all the incredible dirt on the Bidens. We’re going to go into the four corners of the world and flush out the wrongdoing, the incredible awful acts of the Bidens.”
Trump flexed his muscle in his handsome blue suit and felt it.
“I am a very strong man,” he said. “And I will get to the truth. Believe me. I am a stable genius. And very strong. I am also going to build a big, beautiful wall around the White House to protect me against impeachment from crazy Democrat socialists. And my wall will have a moat with snakes, alligators, and Godzilla with a nuclear bomb.”
The President says he “was being a good Christian” in Zelensky call
President Donald J. Trump melts down with blinding rage when asked about the impeachment investigation of him recently launched by Congressional Democrats.
“It’s very unfair,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “Adam Schiff, ‘Shifty Shiff’ I call him, should recuse himself because he’s a suspected murderer, pedophile, kidnapper, and bank robber. A very bad man. It’s disgraceful the things he’s done. Maybe the worst human ever. Everyone says so.”
The president now denies the accusation he discussed investigating presidential candidate Joe Biden and his son Hunter with Ukraine President Zelenskyy.
“Shifty Schiff and his crazy crew have it all wrong,” Trump said. “I am a very stable genius, and here’s exactly what happened. I asked Zelensky to protect Joe Biden. He wanted to go after them. Ukraine was hostile. But I didn’t want him to investigate him or his son. Why would I do that?” The frustrated kingpin shakes his head in disgust.
“Even if Biden and his son did do something bad–– which they probably did–– I think the American people should forgive them. Forgive and forget, I always say. That’s the Christian thing to do. I was just being a good Christian. I love the Christian god–– you know, that guy who has long hair like a hippie. The one they nailed to the cross. He was a very good guy. Great guy.”
The president is especially irate about the anonymous whistleblower.
“Who is he? Why’s he luring in the shadows? I want to know? I am the president, I won in the biggest landslide ever, and I need to know who the traitors are. And this whistleblower, ‘Blowy Blow-Blow’ I call him, he made up this outrageous lie to make me look bad. Why would I want to make poor Joe Biden and his son look bad? I like Joe. I do. Don’t forget, I’m the guy who fired James Comey because he wasn’t treating Hillary Clinton very nicely. I won’t stand for bad behavior. The whistleblower and Shifty Schiff need to be tried for treason. Everyone says so.”
Best bros are attacking the unfounded claims of an anonymous source.
Batman and Robin, Abbott and Costello, Lime JELL-O and mini-marshmallows–– those famous pairs have got nothing on Trump and Giuliani.
Today the besieged men called The Lint Screen to discuss the allegations last week of an anonymous whistleblower accusing the men of working with a foreign government to influence an American election.
RG: It’s ridiculous. They’re taking the word of some insane whistleblower–
DT: Call him what he is, Rudy–– a spy. A treasonous spy trying to ruin democracy. I’m trying to save America and this coward is trying to ruin it. He should be put in an electric chair and put in front of a firing squad.
RG: Who is this person? And why does he have to hide in the shadows? Is he ashamed of something? Be a man, identify yourself! We won’t hurt you.
DT: A lot of people are saying the whistleblower is the bastard child of Adolf Hitler and Angela Merkel. Hitler didn’t die until 1994, you know. Lived in Munich above a bakery. A very bad guy. Did some horrible things. As did Merkel. She’s nasty. So naturally, their kid is a bad seed.
RG: Wow, Hitler’s kid is the whistleblower! Unbelievable. And everything he claims in the report is all second and third-hand information. It’s worthless.
DT: It’s called “hear-say” evidence, a lot of people don’t know that term. Hear-say. It’s very, very weak evidence. I’ve watched a lot of Law and Order.
RG: And why is no one investigating Biden and his son? They stole billions from Ukraine and spent it on heroin. Then they shot up homeless kids and lonely widows so they’d overdose. They also killed puppies and kittens. Threw them against brick walls.
DT: That’s bad. Not nice.
RG: But no one’s looking into the Bidens. And what about Hillary’s server? It’s supposed to have a deadly virus on it and pirated copies of Microsoft Office. And what about the Steele report? Who’s researching that? And Benghazi?
DT: It’s the fake news, Rudy. They’re all protecting them. They’re the enemy of the people, fake news. They never even report on how every Democrat candidate is a bloodthirsty cannibal.
RG: Really? They’re cannibals?
DT: A lot of people are saying that. Hannity. Tucker Carlson. Fox and Friends. The only reason the evil Democrats want the White House back is to put Americans on the menu. That’s what they mean when they say they want to serve their country. They want to eat us.
RG: That’s awful. Disgusting.
DT: I like hamburgers. KFC. Papa John’s. Normal people food.
RG: Not humans.
DT: No. I would never eat my people. I protect them with my big, beautiful wall. We’ve built over 10,000 miles of it, 60-feet tall. Mountain climbers gave up. It can’t be climbed. Caravans can’t drive over it.
RG: The president is one-hundred percent innocent.
DT: I am, Rudy. I really am innocent.
RG: See? He’s the president. You have to believe him. It’s in the Constitution.
If Perry Mason, Matlock, Jack McCoy, and Ally McBeal had a baby, that child would still look like a legal moron compared to Rudi Giuliani.
Donald J. Trump’s personal attorney visited The Lint Screen offices and laid out his bulletproof defense strategy against “the looney libs hellbent on destroying America with their unfounded witch hunt against our greatest patriot” by bringing impeachment charges against the president.
“President Trump is one-hundred percent innocent,” Rudy said. “He told me so himself. He did nothing wrong. The president was trying to curb corruption in Ukraine–– he hates corruption, anything outside the laws of decency. And Joe Biden and his son were doing awful things in Ukraine. Many people say they were ripping pacemakers out of chests, stealing lunch money from blind orphans, punching old ladies in the gut and stepping on their bifocals–– horrible acts. So, what’s our president supposed to do? Give them a pass? Let them ruin innocent lives? No! He stands for playing fair. Donald Trump is a good citizen. An upright guy. Where’s the crime in that?”
Giuliani was asked about Trump’s conversation with Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych, in which he spoke of all the U.S. had done for his country, and how he’d like to continue helping, but first, he wanted him to do “a favor.”
“That favor could have meant anything. The Democrats are saying the favor was getting dirt on Biden. I don’t buy it. Maybe the president wanted a good recipe for chicken tortilla soup, or help doing taxes, maybe even some movie recommendations. We don’t know. The favor could have been anything. Where’s the crime in that?”
Rudy relaxes.
“Look, we’re not worried about this impeachment witch hunt because it’s all a pile of B.S. The president is the greatest one we’ve ever had. Look at the economy. His big beautiful wall. His tax cut that put millions of dollars in Bobby blue collar’s pocket and Larry the laborer’s lunchpail. America has never been in better shape. The facts can’t be disputed. Maybe the only thing he is guilty of is caring too much about his people, and we should be thankful for that!”
Rudy shakes his head, mops his brow with a hankie, wrings it out into a bucket.
“And let’s face it, hypothetically speaking, reality doesn’t exist. He can’t be guilty. President Trump’s outside this dimension.”
The latest kerfluffle concerns a whistleblower in the intelligence community who blew a gasket because he said he heard something bad.
“Apparently this joker heard the president talking to the Ukraine president,” McConnell said. “And President Trump urged him eight times to look into the shenanigans of Joe Biden and his no-goodnik son. Where’s the crime in that? Our president is a crime fighter. He always says that no one is above the law.”
McConnell catches his breath; one can tell he is agitated–– as angry as a drunk mouse in a house of mirrors.
Many people suspect that Trump was leveraging selling U.S. weapons to Ukraine in return for investigating Biden which is a “no-no” in legal terms.
“I’ve heard Democrats are claiming President Trump is using a foreign country to investigate a political rival,” McConnell said. “That’s poppycock. How could Biden be a rival? Melania loves the president; she would never leave him.”
“All they do is whine and bellyache. They should be doing something about increasing the minimum wage, or gun control or improving healthcare. But they only want to moan and groan. It’s disgusting.”
McConnell believes in loving foreign adversaries. He has snuggled up to a Russian oligarch (a pal of Pootie) and received a commitment for a $200 million aluminum plant in his home state of Kentucky. Not only that, his wife, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao has financial connections with China that seem to benefit her family’s shipping company.
“It’s all above board,” the Speaker said. “We take foreign interference seriously. I’ve led the GOP in passing strong measures to protect our election system from meddling. We recently approved $250 million in funds for election security. We immediately hired the prestigious Kentucky firm of Chip McConnell Election Security Company to make sure we’re ship-shape for next year’s elections.”
McConnell smiles proudly. “Although to be frank, there was absolutely no election hanky-panky in 2016, except for the Democrats cheating Trump out of 21 million votes. Those people can’t ever play fair.”
This innocent-looking remote almost caused a nuclear holocaust.
Most days in Washington, D.C. are as calm as a beautiful pond on a windless summer day. But today, an unfortunate incident threw the normally serene surroundings and refined dignity of the White House West Wing into a tizzy.
“It was awful,” Mick Mulvaney the White House Chief of Staff told The Lint Screen. “I was working at my desk when I heard a blood-curdling scream come from the presidential residence. It was almost 11, still early, and something had obviously put a bee in the big guy’s bonnet.”
Mulvaney shakes his head as he recounts the horror of that moment.
“I ran up the stairs lickety-split and rushed to the president’s quarters. Secret Service agents were already there with weapons drawn. When I charged into the living area, President Trump was in his Trump International Hotel bathrobe sitting on the floor sobbing. What’s the problem? I asked Kent, the head of the Secret Service detail. He looked me square in the eyes and said, ‘The worst thing imaginable. The batteries went dead in the president’s remote’.”
Mulvaney said, fortunately, White House security had prepared for this tragic day.
“Two special government power replacement agents were immediately dispatched to secure fresh batteries. The president was enraged while he waited. ‘It’s Iran who did this,’ he shouted. ‘I know it’s those damn bastards. First, they blow up Saudi oil refineries, now they’re trying to destroy America. Bring me the football. ! It’s time for them to get a taste of hell.’”
Mulvaney said President Trump was prepared to launch a nuclear missile attack on Iran in retaliation for their “ruthless battery strike” against the U.S.A.
“Fortunately, before the nuclear football was engaged, the power specialists returned with new Duracells and the TV remote batteries were changed. Ivanka came into the room and mopped her father’s forehead with a cool washcloth. ‘It’ll be fine, Papa,’ she said in a soothing, sexy voice as she stroked his hair. ‘It’s all good now, Papa. All good.’ The president thanked her and took the remote and began channel surfing. While he watched TV, everyone backed out of the residence slowly. The president needs his executive time. It’s how he’s able to be such a great president.”
Mulvaney smiled. “Crisis was averted.” His eyes darted about the room. “I wonder if the Iranians were behind this. Or, maybe the Democrats. Mike Pompeo needs to look into this.”
