Author: PD Scullin

The beautiful thing about our democratic system of government is checks and balances. The executive, legislative, and judicial branches check and balance each other for a balanced stew of delicious democracy.

Um, um, stew!

But many in the Democratic Party think President Trump and the GOP are abusing their power.

“President Trump and Mitch McConnell are not playing very fair,” Nancy Pelosi told The Lint Screen. “When President Obama wanted to nominate Merrick Garland for the Supreme Court, Mitch wouldn’t let him. That was a darn shame.”

“And President Trump,” Chuck Schumer continued, “why goodness gracious, he is a ball of wax like no other. Some of the things he does are kind of, I don’t know, shady. Like having himself and other people in the government stay at Trump properties. And allowing foreign government folks and lobbyists to stay at his properties. And for Pete’s sake, he plays a lot of golf at the taxpayers’ expense on golf courses he owns. For crying out loud, hasn’t he ever heard of the emoluments clause? Doggone it, a president is not supposed to be able to profit from his businesses while he’s serving his term.”

Nancy Pelosi snapped her fingers. “Yes, and he also paid hush money from campaign funds to a woman he had extramarital relations with. I think there’s a law against that. He also used foreign agents to help him win the election. That’s not very sporting.”

“And sometimes I’m not sure Trump tells the whole truth,” Schumer interrupted. “Also, he’s just not terribly nice sometimes. I mean, come on, separating immigrant children from their parents and putting them in cages–– that doesn’t strike me as being hospitable. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.”

Both Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer wish someone would do something about the perceived abuses of power the president and the GOP are executing.

“We’re all watching these abuses of power, many of them illegal, I think,” Pelosi said. “And frankly, we’re fixing to get pretty upset about them. My emotions are running high. I think our forefathers would want there to be a check and balance on the executive branch.”

“I saw the play Hamilton,” Schumer said. “Those forefathers were something else. A magnificent show, Hamilton. Some real toe-tappers in that one!”

“I need to see that show,” Nancy said. The two Dem leaders high-fived.

Bolton’s out, Busey’s in!

Washington’s abuzz with excitement as President Donald Trump shook up his cabinet like a Parchesi dice cup.

“Daddy always liked Mr. Busey,” Ivanka Trump, the first daughter told The Lint Screen. “He attracted some great ratings when he was on The Apprentice, he was even an Apprentice All-Star and lasted nine whole weeks! Daddy is confident he’ll be an all-star for his cabinet.”

To make room for Busey, John Bolton “was fired like a dog” according to President Trump.

“The guy’s a bum,” he said. “Worst human ever. A disaster. Total trash fire. He has that stupid bushy mustache. Horrible lip hair. I always hated him.”

When asked why he hired Bolton if he didn’t like him, Trump said he “absolutely did not draw on the map” showing Dorian projected to hit Alabama. “I don’t even own a Sharpie.” He continued his denial.

“The weather people, who are all liberals, by the way, appointed by Obama, they changed the hurricane’s path after I Tweeted about it. They did that to embarrass me. Very unfair. But I’ll take care of these radicals–– they call themselves ‘the weathermen.’ Look it up–– they’re a terrorist organization. But I’ll get my revenge against them. I have nukes, they don’t, ” Trump smiled and gave his legendary thumbs-up sign.

“Mr. Busey’s going to do a great job, isn’t he Daddy?” cooed as she crawled on to her father’s lap and cuddled like a kitten.

“That’s right, honey,” Amerca’s CEO said stroking her golden locks. “Gary Busey’s the best. I only hire the best. Busey’s a tremendous guy. Incredible talent. He’ll know how to keep our country safe and secure. He told me he’s been in many, many bar fights–– and he always wins. I like winners.“

We all like winners, Mister President! Keep on winning for us.

President Trump guards his vulnerable citizens within his borders like a mother cat protecting her helpless kittens. He is building his magnificent, beautiful wall for their safety.

Now, this protective father figure must also protect his brood from Mother Nature.

Trump predicted Hurricane Dorian would hit Alabama, and the fake news media doubted him. But the president would not be bullied by their hateful lies.

So he showed an accurate map of the hurricane’s destructive path headed toward ‘Bama. The enemies of the people still doubted his word.

The president will be shutting their lying mouths with a stroke of the pen.

The leader of the free world has ordered Congress to pay Alabama $100 million in hurricane relief.

“The state was walloped by Dorian,” chief of staff Mick Mulaney told The Lint Screen, “and the president wants to help Alabama get back on its feet. This money will help.”

Trump Consulting Group, an organization experienced in helping communities rebuild following hurricanes, was given the $100 million and will get the state whole again.

“The president is determined to get help Alabama,” Mulvaney said. “It’s football season after all,” he said with a wink and a smile. “He will protect the state from nature, and evil Democrats determined to destroy our way of life. The boss man is also considering extending his big, beautiful wall to protect our waterfront borders. He is an amazing leader. I am so honored to work for him.”

Today President Donald J. Trump gave federal employees a bonus they never counted on–– luxury accommodations when they travel.

“I’m very concerned about the efficiency and productivity of our federal employees,” Trump said in a press conference. “I hired a group of hospitality experts from the prestigious firm of ID&E*, and they ran a multi-million dollar study. What they discovered was incredibly disturbing. Our federal employees are not working up to their full potential because they become exhausted when they travel. And that inefficiency is costing American taxpayers billions of dollars every day. I won’t stand for that!”

Trump signed an executive order dictating that all federal employees must stay at a Trump property when traveling on government business. The new policy is effective immediately.

“This is really the only sensible solution,” the president said. “Trump properties know how to treat weary travelers so they rest completely. The sheets are six million thread count. Very comfortable sheets. You’ve never wet a sheet like this. The beds are plush, and the pillows are made exclusively from goose feathers plucked from geese that laid golden eggs. Pure luxury. And the food is incredibly delicious. You can get a slice of chocolate cake you can’t believe. It’s so good.”

The president began drooling as his chief of staff Mick Mulvaney sopped it up with a towel.

Staying at the luxury accommodations will be more expensive than current government-approved properties, but Trump believes the return on investment will be enormous.

“Federal employees will be able to do so much more after they have a great night’s sleep and $142 breakfast. I think people will be amazed at the results. It will probably add eighteen trillion dollars to the government’s bottom line.”

A reporter from The Lint Screen asked what happens to those employees traveling to cities that don’t have a Trump property?

“We’ve thought about that so I’ll answer your stupid question,” the president said. “It’s easy. The employee will stay at the closest Trump property and we’ll fly them in and out of the city they have to work in. That’s the only humane thing to do. I care about our federal employees very much.”

You have to admire The Big Guy–– he not only has a big heart but a brain also!

*Ivanka, Don Jr., & Eric Hospitality Consultants

Some people make idle threats and some people are as serious as a heart attack. Consider Donald J. Trump fatty, calcified plaque clogging all major arteries!

The president has been carefully watching weather updates on the progress of Hurricane Dorian, poised to build in strength and cause destruction wherever it hits.

“I’ll nip this thing in the bud,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “It’s very nasty. The only thing that can stop a hurricane is a nuclear storm. And I’ve got an arsenal of nuclear weapons second to none. The best nukes. Tremendous firepower. Dorian, don’t tempt me. You won’t win, believe me.”

The leader of the free world thinks the sudden hurricane is not a natural occurence.

“This hurricane was manufactured by the squad and the socialist Democrats,” he said. “These liberals hate America and don’t want to see me make it great again, so they got big wind machines, huge machines, and started this hurricane to attack us. Well, it won’t work. No one is going to make me look bad. I’ll protect the country.”

Trump assured Americans that should Hurricane Dorian cause any damage they shouldn’t fear. 

“I have ordered FEMA to get me lots of paper towels. Many paper towels. Fantastic towels. Very absorbent. And I’ll be throwing them your way. Don’t worry.”

 

He’s done it again. Just when you think President Donald J. Trump couldn’t possibly do a better job at presidenting, he goes and proves you wrong!

The big man stormed the beaches of France for the G-7 Conference. The leaders of France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Canada, and the United Kingdom cowered to this American president.

“He is so incredibly smart,” said a person who attended the meetings. “When Trump spoke, the other leaders looked on with their mouths wide open in disbelief. How could anyone be so smart and so stable? The man is incredible.”

Trump explained how he easily won his trade war with China. “Just like I said I would,” he told The Lint Screen. “Winning trade wars is easy. I am an amazing dealmaker. It’s what I do. And a lot of people say I do it better than anyone who’s ever lived.”

The president also unveiled a radical idea to defeat hurricanes.

“Just nuke them,” he said. “When the weather gets crazy, you have to show it who’s boss. And that’s what I’m going to do.”

The other world leaders also loved the idea of meeting next year at Trump’s Doral resort in Miami.

“We heard it has ‘bungalows’–– can you imagine such a thing?!” said French President Macron. “I imagine it also probably has indoor plumbing.”

And Trump even had the leaders drooling as he described the delicious chocolate cake. “It’s the most beautiful piece of cake in the world. Believe me. Fantastic cake!”

The other leaders asked Trump’s advice on climate change.

“Don’t worry about that,” he said. “It’s all a Chinese hoax. And all the ice melting is going to make for some incredible real estate opportunities.”

The president lectured the reporters gathered about the cost his presidency has taken.

“Had I not decided to save America,” Trump said, “I could have made five to seven billion dollars easy. That’s what it’s costing me to make America great again. But I had to do it after all the carnage Obama caused. Obama made our country a laughingstock! I had to restore respect for our nation.”

We are lucky to have our man representing us to the world. Thank you, sir!

And if we all could kick in a couple of grand, we might be able to help the president make up for his lost revenue opportunities.

Let’s go, people!