The Lint Screen digs into a story like a dog with a metal detector looking for bones, and we’ve unearthed an enormous scoop–– the complete “beautiful letter” from North Korean Overlord Kim Jong Un to American Overlord Donald J. Trump.
Here is the correspondence in its entirety.
“Dear Don-Dude,
What up, fella? The Kimster here and I wanna lay some props on you for the rad job you did on your Euro-tour.
Bitch, you were rockin’ that chill tux you wore to the fancypants dinner at Buckingham Palace. You looked like you stepped off a wedding cake–– I’ll bet you had icing on your shoes!!!!!!!!!!!
HA!
Seriously, man, and you gave that really sincere speech at Normandy and trashed “Nervous Nancy” (you are so clever it’s amazing!) and “Sleepy” Joe Biden and it was classic Trumpinator–– and I totally loved the optics of the graves in the background. It made everything you said even more stinging.
Dude, I would HATE to be your political enemy!
Why don’t you just do like me and kill your enemies? I don’t understand why you don’t punch back with some power. You’re obviously a ripped guy (I’m not a homosexual, but damn you looked FINE in that tux.
Melania’s one lucky first lady!!!
Anyway, you should consider my approach to dealing with your enemies. GIVE NANCY A REASON TO BE NERVOUS!
You’re totally cray, though, you got that whole GOP eating outta your hand. Love that. Keep those spineless bitches in line, they’ll help you get re-elected.
Speaking of that, don’t worry. I was chillin’ with Vlad last week and we’re behind you 100%. We got you, bro, no worries.
Trump 2020’s in the bag–– it’s just a question of how many states you wanna take. We leave it to you, but we can deliver all 50, but you may wanna only take 39 or something, you know, make it seem competitive.
The choice is yours. Let us know.
Anyway, I’ve got to go now– my goon squad’s torturing some of my political enemies and I just wanna kick back, grab some kernels and a brewski and watch the show.
Keep up the GREAT WORK, you really do have the biggest brain and you’re VERY SMART and make THE ABSOLUTE BEST DEALS.
I really admire the hell outta ya, big guy!!!
Oh yeah, it’s a no go on me giving up the nuclear bomb development–– I like big bangs!
Here at The Lint Screen, we are always looking for a story that will give us an edge. A voice that will resonate around the world.
With that in mind, we gave Donald Trump, Jr. a star sticker with the word “REPORTER” written on it and asked him to file a special dispatch from London about his visit. Here is what he wrote for our readers. Enjoy!
“One of the really neat-o things about having your Pops be President is that you get to go on really cool trips with him!!! So me and his fav-sibs (Ivanka, Eric, and your truly!) got to bring our dates on an all-expenses-paid trip to London–– and we are having a royal blast!(Get it– ROYAL!)
The interesting thing about London is they actually speak English here, but they talk in a funny way that doesn’t sound American at all. English people have some sort of weird accent, but, at least you can understand most of what they’re saying–– unlike those stupid French.
I expected to see some chimney sweeps dancing and singing like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, but no such luck. There were no dancing penguins either! Darn it!!!
Pops says the mayor of London sucks! I have to agree with him on that! Pops is the most powerful man in the world and he can really spank!!!
Pops said we all had to wear weird monkey suits (see above–– Ivanka couldn’t be in the picture because she was wearing a dress, but we let Jared represent her). The suits were not comfortable at all, especially for a guy like me who ALWAYS goes commando–– but we have to do whatever Pops says or we’ll get grounded!!!
The Queen of England is a short old lady. I’m a LOT taller than she is! Eric said she offered him some hard candy–– I don’t know if he was kidding or not, but I sure wanted some hard candy.
I looooooooooove Watermelon Sours! They make my mouth pucker like a fish!
I asked the Queen if I could wear her crown and see her family jewels. She looked REALLY offended. Jeez laweeze!
At Buckingham Palace, I saw a bunch of guys marching around outside in red coats and these tall big beaver hats shaped like domes on their heads. They were like those guards in Emerald City in The Wizard of Oz.
I asked Ivanka if she had ruby red slippers and she looked at me like I was some weirdo. Forgive me, princess!
Cripes, sometimes having a hot sis sucks!
Buckingham Palace is really, REALLY big and we had this swell dinner with all kinds of fancy plates and glasses and flatware and fancy foods. I asked if I could just get a McDonald’s Happy Meal, and Pops gave me the hairy eyeball and said I had to eat what they served.
He had a big bucket of KFC. I didn’t dare ask if I could maybe have a piece because he gets real, REAL mad when he has to share.
I was talking to Jared (Ivanka’s handsome husband) and he is really, REALLY smart. Jared says Pops has him working on Middle East peace, solving the opioids crisis, the immigration crisis, and all sorts of other problems.
I wish Pops would give me a hard nut to crack!I’m a smart kid!!!
That’s all, folks, Pops says we got to go now. As they say here in England, ‘Cheerios.’
Sanders claims Mueller sang the praises of President Trump
The nation held its collective breath today as special counsel Robert Mueller held a press conference at the Justice Department. While the pundits debate exactly what Mueller said, press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave The Lint Screen her informed translation.
Sanders believes Mueller went out of his way to admit Donald J. Trump is the greatest president in history.
“Although he didn’t come out and say it directly, I think his body language said it all. Mueller is a big fan and huge admirer of the president,” she said. “He is a man beyond reproach. We all must support President Trump and accept everything he says as truth. Because it is!”
The press secretary also believes Mueller is embarrassed and ashamed of the sham investigation he headed.
“That’s obvious. Why else would he be leaving his cushy job for public life? After the kind of power he had, it would be crazy for him to go back to being an ordinary citizen.”
Sanders also thinks Mueller clearly exonerated the president and Russia of any wrongdoing in the 2016 election.
“While Mueller said Russia did interfere in our election, I know Bob has a wicked sense of humor. He was ribbing the president and Putin who have both said there was absolutely no conspiracy. Who should we believe–– two presidents of great countries or one government hack? Of course, we’re going to trust our leaders and not some schmo in a suit. Oh, that Bob, he is such a joker!”
The press secretary thinks Mueller’s press conference should finally put the entire controversy about the investigation to rest.
“Mueller said case closed. Nothing to see here. Our president is a very honorable man and attorney general Barr is beyond reproach and doing a fabulous job upholding justice. I think what Mueller was saying is clear–– get back to work Congress and keep cutting taxes for job creators, keep reducing government oversight of financial organizations and environmental causes, addressing our immigration crisis, and supplying more weapons to our besties, the Saudis.”
Sanders took a deep breath.
“He didn’t say all that in so many words, but I’m sure that’s what he meant. The bottom line, we’re all good, here. Let’s go on and keep working to make America great again!”
South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham is a devout Christian.
“I was raised right,” the sweet talking Graham told The Lint Screen. “I know who to love, and I know who to hate. The good guys have wings, and the bad ones have pitchforks. The only thing that will stop them is a good guy with a gun.”
Graham believes in the promise of the Lord Jesus Christ returning to Earth to save the righteous and cast the sinners to eternal lakes of fire. And he believes that Donald J. Trump is the embodiment of the promised salvation.
Graham believes in the eternal purity and sanctity of Trump.
“Never has there been such a righteous man,” the senator said. “He has pure morals, a sacred core. He is the personification of love and acceptance. He is kind, generous, and forgiving. Donald J. Trump is truly our salvation. He is here to save us! Praise be Trump!”
The ruggedly handsome macho man began to get teary eyed. With trembling lips, he spoke quietly.
“I don’t know how to love him. What to do, how to move him. I’ve been changed, yes, really changed. In these past few days when I’ve seen myself I seem like someone else. I don’t know how to take this; I don’t see why he moves me. He’s a man he’s just a man, and I’ve had so many men before, in very many ways he’s just one more,”
Graham collapsed to the floor sobbing, a puddle of his tears widened.
South Carolina has entered the abortion law fanfare spreading across America. Today state lawmakers passed what many believe is the country’s most restrictive abortion law.
“We aren’t about to watch Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Missouri, and Ohio get all the limelight,” said state representative Tommy White. “We want to control the bodies of our baby carriers the best!”
White has written “The Protect Innocent Babies From Their Killer Mothers” Bill, and it was overwhelmingly approved by South Carolina legislators. The governor is expected to sign the bill tomorrow.
The law allows the state to imprison a woman once she is impregnated and contemplates abortion.
White said, “any woman who thinks about abortion is a pre-meditated murderer and belongs behind bars. These pregnant girls are carrying some man’s precious seed, and they can’t be killing the children we sire. No siree!”
Once behind bars, the women will be cared for until they give birth. This includes women who become pregnant as a result of incest or rape.
“God must have meant that girl to get pregnant for a reason, and she must carry the rapist’s child to birth. Rapists have rights, too, you know. And if a woman gets pregnant from an act of incest, maybe she should have dressed more conservatively around the house. And besides, that incest baby’s obviously coming from an act of love. It’d be criminal to hurt the child.”
Opponents to the bill say White is “a misogynist pig”.
“That’s poppycock,” the Travelers Rest native said. “We must love and respect women, even though Eve talked Adam into eating that apple and got us booted out of the Garden of Eden. We’ve been paying the price for her big mouth ever since,”
White thinks women have a higher purpose. “Women are baby containers,” White said. “We can’t just abandon them. But once the baby is born, all bets are off. She served her purpose.”
After she delivers the baby, “she can choose to be a helpful mother or be discarded by society.”
When asked if the state would take care of the infant, White bristled. “Absolutely not. We aren’t about to be a welfare state. The little tyke needs to learn early on to pull its own self up by the baby booties-straps. This ain’t no socialist state!”
The president has a secret weapon in the China trade war.
President Donald J. Trump is a student of history. He has been studying famous battles and warfare and has decided what the United States of America needs isn’t nuclear bombs, aircraft carriers, fighter jets, or stealth bombers.
No.
What we need are dragons!
“I think dragons can be game changers for us,” the prez told The Lint Screen in an exclusive phone interview. “Most people don’t know this but dragons breathe fire. Not only that, but they can also fly! They’re actually flying flame throwers––and that’s a deadly combination. Dragons will be a tremendous weapon for us!”
The president has charged the Pentagon with securing at least a thousand dragons.
“I want a dragon force second to none,” the commander-in-chief said. “If we have a first-rate dragon crew, we can rule the world.”
Trump believes the dragons will also be crucial in some of his current foreign policy negotiations.
“Give me dragons, and watch Iran fall in line,” the big man said. “Dragons will also give me in an edge in my trade war with China, and in my nuclear talks with my buddy the Kimster. When fire talks, people listen.”
President Trump sniffed repeatedly and continued. “I can also use dragons to keep crooked Hillary, the looney libs, and Mueller and his witch hunters in check. They’re very unfair to me and my family.”
Asked if he got the idea of using dragons from watching Game of Thrones on Sunday night, the president looked miffed.
“Game of what?” he said with a quizzical stare. “I never heard of Game of Drones. Listen, I don’t want more drones, I need dragons! Get me my dragons! I can rule the world and the seven kingdoms.”
