Author: PD Scullin

  • Rep. Jim Jordan Proposes GOP Change Its Name

    Rep. Jim Jordan Proposes GOP Change Its Name

    Jordan has a brainstorm to strengthen his party and the nation

    Ohio Representative Jim Jordan is hopping mad and spitting fireballs of fury.

    “Our country is under siege,” Jordan told The Lint Screen. “We have that scumbucket liar Michael Cohen badmouthing the greatest president we’ve ever had while The Great One was in Nam negotiating the nukes away from North Korea. Cohen was disgraceful. After that hearing, I cried. My pillow was soaked. Cohen’s performance was treasonous.”

    While Jordan was happy with the support his party showed the president during the hearing, he believes the GOP needs to do a lot more.

    “I think we need to change our brand name from Republican to Trumpian. Forget the party of Lincoln, that’s yesterday. Today we’re Trump and we’re proud! Republican is old–– Grand Old Party. Ditch it! The party name of ‘Trumpian’ is new. It’s fresh, exciting, and sexy–– just like our president! Let’s celebrate the gift God gave us. That’s the Trumpian way, I say!”

    Jordan got a dreamy look in his eyes, took his pen and wrote JJ + DT on a pad and circled the letters with a heart. The Buckeye representative took a deep breath and continued.

    “Think about it, Trump is the greatest brand name in the universe, and the GOP should own it. I discussed my idea with the president and he assured me he would support our name change. He also said he would only charge the party $5 billion annually for the usage of his name,” Jordan smiled. “That’s nothing! We can pay for it out of the federal budget–– take it out of Social Security. It’s a drop in the bucket!”

    Jordan believes anyone who does not show support for the president should be put in detention camps and tortured. Ditto for journalists who write disparaging things about the president.

    “Our president loves freedom and if you don’t love Trump you don’t deserve freedom. That’s what our forefathers would want! That’s the American way under Trumpian leadership.”

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Expert Picked To Explore Climate Change Threat For U.S. Government

    Expert Picked To Explore Climate Change Threat For U.S. Government

    Chet Beaburn claims “to know a thing or two about a thing or two”

    As liberal snowflakes melt in hysteria with raging paranoia about the dangers of climate change, President Trump decided to calm their fears by appointing a reknowned expert to head a government study on the subject.

    “I’ve always said climate change is a Chinese hoax,” Trump told The Lint Screen, “now we’ll see if an independent expert agrees. I’ve known Chet Beaburn a long time. He used to work on one of my golf courses so he is very familiar with the outdoors. He’s a good man. A tremendous thinker. He’s not some snobby scientist putting on airs. Chet has common sense and that’s all you need to see climate change is a Chinese hoax designed to frighten us.”

    “The president is absolutely right,” Chet Beaburn a self-described “science enthusiast” echoed. “There is no such thing as climate change. There have been snowstorms all winter! That proves it!”

    When presented with statistics showing average temperatures have been steadily rising over the last 50-years, Beaburn was dismissive.

    “Don’t look at graphs, look out the window! It snowed in Minnesota yesterday for the love of God, that proves there’s no climate change!”

    When asked about melting icebergs and rising water levels, Beaburn was not impressed.

    “Ice melts,” Beaburn said. “Haven’t you ever gotten a Coca-Cola from McDonald’s? And of course, melting ice makes water levels rise.”

    “Most people don’t know this,” the president said smugly, “but ice is made from water.”

    “Really, mister president?” Beaburn asked. “That explains it all then. See that? There’s nothing to worry about!”

    Beaburn also believes the Earth is flat. “Hells bells,” he said pointing at the horizon, “I don’t see no round Earth–– it’s flat as a pancake.”

    When asked about photographs from outer space clearly depicting the Earth as a blue marble in our galaxy, Beaburn was again not buying it.

    “Man never went to the moon let alone walked on it.”

    “Many people say the moon is made of cheese,” our president said.

    “I’ve heard that, too, mister president,” Beaburn said. “Landing on the moon was staged in a TV studio in Nevada. LBJ had the whole megillah staged to hoodwink Americans into thinking we landed on the moon and walked around a spell. LBJ did this because JFK said we were going to go to the moon but then he went and got himself assassinated by Frank Sinatra because the horny Irishman had bedded Frank’s daughter Nancy. Any idiot knows that!”

    “So that’s what happened,” President Trump said. “I think Chet will do a great job for America. He has a very big brain and he’ll prove climate change is fake news.”

    “I’ll do my best, sir,” Beaburn said, as he spontaneously combusted into flames and ran screaming out the door.

  • Trump Achieves Record Popularity In Russia

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    Russians love, trust and admire our president.

    While President Donald J. Trump battles fake news, dozens of books airing his dirty laundry, and unfounded witch hunts, some Americans have become treasonous traitors and doubt the integrity of our leader–– but that’s not the case for Russians.

    In Russia, Trump has achieved record popularity for an American president. Last week, his popularity was 97%. This week it is 100% (with a slight decline in population amoung those polled).

    “Our people love your President Trump,” said Russian diplomat Arkady Afonika. “We believe he is doing a wonderful job in making America great again!”

    The Russian people normally do not cotton much to American presidents.

    “They have all been imperialistic pigs,” Afonika said as he spat on the ground. “May they be eaten by tigers and snakes and let roaches eat their entrails. But Trump is different. He is a glorious leader who always puts his people first–– before his or his family’s interests. That is what all great leaders do. This is why presidents Putin and Trump work so well together. They both love their people so very much. They care more for their precious children than themselves.”

    Afonika feels sorry for America’s leader. “It is outrageous that some people do not trust Donald Trump. He is a man known worldwide as a speaker of truth. His word is his bond and his bond is unbreakable. I believe anyone who questions him should be put in a camp until they pledge their undying allegiance to him.”

    Coincidentally, presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway said the president is considering Arkady Afonika for a cabinet position.

    “The president thinks he needs more diversity in his White House and he believes comrade Afonika would do a tremendous job for the Amerca,” she told The Lint Screen.

  • Trump Saves America, Declares National Emergency

    Trump Saves America, Declares National Emergency

    Pandemonium prevails at the border as Americans are assaulted!

    As sure as the sun rises in the east, President Donald J. Trump will protect Americans from catastrophe, destruction, and certain death.

    “I said I would build a wall,” the president told The Lint Screen, “and I will finish the job no matter how much the angry socialist Democrats fight me.”

    In recent budget battles, the master negotiator made a brilliant deal to secure over a billion dollars for 55-mile fortification of existing walls.

    “I shut down our government for over a month, the longest shutdown in history,” the prez said proudly. “I took the Dems to the mat, and masterminded a very strong deal, many people are saying the strongest deal ever. And I got over a billion dollars! Now, I’m going to finish the job.”

    Trump said he has declared a national emergency and will soon begin taking additional wall funds from other government allocations.

    “There is a ton of money in veterans benefits, National Institutes of Health, Medicare, Social Security for widows and orphans, infrastructure, Mueller’s witch hunt, and other wasteful government programs,” the Donald said. “The money is there, and I’m going to take it to protect Americans. Or, I’ll make Mexico pay for the wall. We’ll see what happens.”

    Trump said the drastic measure of declaring a national emergency was necessary. “Every day, over 100,000 illegals storm our borders. Most of them are murderers, rapists, terrorists, very bad hombres. They are carrying drugs, diseases, nuclear weapons, healthy tasteless foods and other things designed to harm our society.”

    To support his point, the bossman rattled over some of his latest statistics.

    “There are over 80,000 murders daily, 20,000 homes are set on fire, 5,000 children are kidnapped, 10,000 pets have their throats cut, and over 100,000 crucifixes thrown in the mud and stomped. This carnage has got to stop.”

    To do that, the president is promising to build “a big, new beautiful wall, over 100-feet high and electrified, lined with landmines on the Mexican side. On the American side, there will be mink fur.”

    The big man is sincere in his determination to save America and its people.

    “I promised to make America great again, and I will with this wall.I’ll also be loosening sanctions on Russia because over the years we have treated them very unfairly. Not at all nice. It’s a disgrace!”

  • After Brouhaha, Virginia Names New Governor

    After Brouhaha, Virginia Names New Governor

    Teddy Gypson will be the youngest governor in American history.

    The past week has been a turbulent one in the grand ol‘ state of Virginny.

    The current Governor Ralph Northam was caught in a college yearbook photo wearing either blackface or a KKK hood, the African-American lieutenant governor Justin Fairfax is facing sexual assault charges, and next in line for succession, Attorney General Mark Herring admitting he once wore “brown face” to a costume party.

    What’s a scandal-ridden commonwealth to do? Keep looking, that’s what!

    Virginia has conducted a thorough search of its Democratic populace to find the next leader, and while many residents were considered, they were ultimately rejected for either wearing blackface, being in the KKK or dressing like they were, or sexual shenanigans.

    But, at long last, a winner has finally emerged–– 14-year-old Teddy Gypson.

    “It’s pretty cool,” the young man told The Lint Screen. “I’ll get a big office and I can eat pizza and McDonald’s every day. I can even play Playstation whenever I want because I’m the boss and anyone who doesn’t like it will be fired! I might even put up a wall around our borders to keep the grown-ups out. Yeah, I think I’m going to love this job a lot better than my paper route. Screw that crapola–– I’m going to be making news not delivering it!”

    The Governor search committee feels confident Gypson has no skeletons in his closet.

    “We asked him if he has ever worn blackface or if he owns a tin of shoe polish,” search committee chairperson Aimee Gunn said. “He didn’t know what the heck we were talking about. He also said he was ‘pretty chill with the babe-a-rooskis.’ I think it’s safe to say Teddy’s a virgin and pretty harmless. We’re feeling good about our new governor, and I don’t think we’ll ever have to ground him.”

  • Sanders Explains Many Benefits of Trump’s “Executive Time”

    Sanders Explains Many Benefits of Trump’s “Executive Time”

    Sanders blasts fake news for criticizing our hard-working president for making America great again.

    Sarah Sanders has a bit of a temper.

    Today, the White House press secretary dropped by The Lint Screen offices and overturned desks, threw computers, and slugged the jaws of journalists as she explained President Trump’s recently disclosed excessive ‘executive time.’

    “You guys got it all wrong,” Sanders screamed as she tossed a copy editor out the second story window. “President Trump’s executive time is like Superman’s Fortress of Solitude. It gives him time to re-charge his big brain and feed his immense creativity and incredible gut feeling. Executive time is what it takes for a genius like him to find the inspirational brilliance and stamina to make America great again!”

    Sanders continued the passionate defense of her boss as she took an ax to desks, computers, and a proofreader.

    “He consults with his trusted intelligence sources like Fox and Friends, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and Sean Hannity to name a few. This brain trust of truthtellers keeps our president updated on what’s happening in the world. They warn him about the caravans coming our way presenting clear and present dangers to our democracy and virginity. President Trump cannot rely on the unreliable fake news of the U.S. intelligence departments and their billion-dollar information-gathering operations. That would be dangerous and silly.”

    Sanders hurled a chair through the wall.

    “President Trump is the greatest president of all time, everyone agrees on that. Look at his Twitter feed? Did Washington or Lincoln produce social media like he does? Did those stiffs have the kind of avid followers our president has? No, read your history books for crying out loud! Were their wives modeling babes like Melania? Ha! Martha Washinton and Mary Todd Lincoln were plain janes.” Ms. Sanders spat on the ground and pointed an accusatory finger.

    “Look, you ink stains should spend less time micro-managing the president’s schedule and instead enjoy the glories he’s bringing for all Americans–– an unprecedented time of unity, prosperity, love, and happiness.”

    The press secretary dabbed her sweaty forehead with her dress sleeve.

    “And if you’re so doggone worried about what President Trump does all day, you’ll be happy to learn we’ve recently arranged for some playdates for him–– with very popular kids. He is also enrolled in creative art projects. One even involves construction paper, elbow macaroni, and Elmer’s Glue! These changes in his executive time schedule will really help him do his presidenting better than ever.”

    And with that, Sanders tore the front door off its hinges and flung it at the editor, knocking him out.

    Her press conference was over.