Author: PD Scullin

Thanks to a sneaky mole, The Lint Screen has obtained a top secret transcript of Friday’s discussion between Team Trump and Team Pelosi inside the White House Situation Room.

Cast:

DT– Donald Trump

MP– Mike Pence

MM– Mitch McConnell

KN– Kirstjen Nielsen

NP– Nancy Pelosi

CS– Chuck Schumer

SCENE OPENS IN THE WHITE HOUSE SITUATION ROOM WITH THE FULL CAST SEATED AT A LONG OBLONG TABLE. DT SITS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE ON A PLUSH THRONE WEARING A GOLD JEWEL-ENCRUSTED CROWN. ALL OTHER CAST MEMBERS ARE SITTING ON MILK CRATES. MP HAS A SPIKED LEASH AROUND HIS NECK, DT HOLDS THE END OF THE LEASH IN HIS PUDGY, TINY HAND.

DT: I want my wall. Give me my wall!

NP: No. There’s no money budgeted for your stupid wall. Not one penny.

TRUMP TURNS TO AN ARMED SOLDIER STANDING GUARD AT THE DOOR.

DT: Kill her!

CS: Mr. President, you can’t do that. You would be charged with murder and murder is a serious crime.

DT: So what? I’ll pardon myself. Kill her!

NP: Mr. President, I advised my staff that if I don’t return, they should immediately alert the media. It will be bad press for you.

DT: Then give me my wall money. I need my big, beautiful concrete wall.

NP: Nope.

MM: Please, Nancy, give the president what he wants. It will make life easier for everyone. He’s been a very good boy recently.

NP: No, Mitch. No wall. None.

CS: Nancy, please don’t get Mitch angry, he has a lot of power and he could make trouble for us.

NP: Shut your pie hole, Chuck, you wimp. I got this. No wall for you, Mr. President! No wall!

KN: But we need the wall. According to my figures, one out of two Americans is illegal, and three-quarters of them are deadly terrorists.

DT: Terrorists are bad, Nancy! Very bad people.

NP: I’m not buying your numbers, Kirstjen. They sound like total bullshit. And why do you spell your name that stupid way?

KN: It’s distinctive, Nancy. I even dot the ‘i’ with a heart! Listen, if we don’t have a wall, all Americans will be killed by illegal terrorists. And their blood will be on your hands. Over 100,000 innocent Americans are killed daily by terrorists, according to the paper in my hand from Fox News.

NP: Those numbers sound fake.

DT: If I don’t get my wall, I will kill a Guatemalan child every hour, I swear I will. I’m just crazy enough to do it!

NP: You’re bluffing.

DT: I’ll also kill cute puppies.

MP:

DT: What’s that, Mike? Did you say something? Did you?!

MP:

DT: That’s what I thought you said.

MM: Mr. President, you can’t kill kids and puppies, it’ll ruin your poll numbers. The base loves puppies.

DT: No, Mitch. Hannity says the base loves my tough guy routine.

NP: Mr. President, since we’ve been here, the Democratic Party controlled Congress has issued 204 subpoenas into the Trump organization. If you let us out, we can persuade those wild Democrats to stand down.

DT: Okay, Nancy, you win this round, but I want my wall. You go back and tell Congress to give me $50 million for a wall.

CS: I thought it was five million, Mr. President.

DT: We have some Trump Company management fees that have accrued because of the delay in funding.

NP: Sorry, Donnie. No wall for you. Suffer.

DT: Give me my wall money!

NP: Get it from Mexico, like you promised.

NANCY RISES FROM THE TABLE. SHE GRABS SCHUMER BY THE SHIRT AND DRAGS HIM BEHIND HER AS SHE MUSCLES PAST THE DOOR GUARD. SHE QUICKLY DISARMS HIM, SNAPPING THE WEAPON IN TWO AND TOSSING IT ON THE GROUND. NP AND CS EXIT. TRUMP LOOKS AT HIS COWERING COMPANIONS.

DT: You guys are worthless. A disaster. A disgrace. I swear I have to do everything! Mike, get me Rush on the phone. I need to hear what I’m supposed to do next.

CURTAIN DROPS

Nancy Pelosi won’t know what hit her when she takes control of the Democrat-ruled Congress on Tuesday.

President Donald Trump not only wants $5 billion for his “big beautiful wall”–– he is demanding more. Much more.

The Lint Screen has obtained Trump’s self-titled, “DEMOCRAT DEMAND LIST AND YOU BETTER GIVE IT TO ME I REALLY MEAN IT I DO!” Here is his list in its entirety:

1. Full pardons of all crimes committed by the Trump family

2. Lifetime supply of chocolate chip ice cream and marshmallow fluff

3. A big parade in my honor with lots of horsies

4. Death sentences for all broadcasters and news reporters, except those employed by Fox News

5. A new Schwinn Classic Cruiser bicycle–– RED!

6. A gold-plated bar of gold dipped in gold and studded with gold nuggets

7. Miss America and Miss Universe and Miss Galaxy

8. Unlimited mirrors

9. Every day is Christmas–– so lots of presents every morning!

10. An oval office treehouse

11. Friends who really really like me a lot

12. Lots of beer for my judge friend

13. Matching pinky rings for me and my secret pal Vlad

14. The Capt. Kirk seat on Space Force

15. Bob Mueller’s head on a spear

Trump claims unless his wall money and additional fifteen items are supplied, he will hold his breath and die and then everyone will blame the Democrats for killing him and they will be sooooooo grounded.

The man means business!

The president is like an ambulance–– he just naturally attracts lawyers.

Today, Sarah Huckabee Sanders told The Lint Screen that Rudy Giuliani, President Trump’s legal mastermind, has gone to the bullpen and hired the respected law firm of Dowee Cheatem & Howe.

“The deep state is working overtime,” Sanders said. “Lawsuits keep piling up against our glorious leader as enemies of the people try to fight the president’s efforts to make America great again. So we will be fighting fire with fire. Dowee Cheatem & Howe has a worldwide reputation for legal excellence.”

Atty. Curly Howard said he is looking forward to being on team Trump. “He’s innocent, I tells ya. Innocent! We’ll get him off all charges, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!”

Atty. Moe Howard drew a saw across his partner’s head. “Shuddup, why doncha?! Quit givin’ away our strategy! It’s a secret, you numbskull!”

Atty. Larry Fine tried to alleviate tensions between his partners. “Hey, Moe, c’mon now––” he said, as Atty Moe Howard grabbed a fistful of his partner’s hair and yanked it out. “Ow!” Atty Fine remarked.  “That hurts!”

Atty. Moe Howard stuffed the pulled hair into Atty. Fine’s mouth and punched Atty. Curly Howard in the stomach. “Shuddup, you two nitwits, or I’ll murder yas,” Atty. Moe Howard declared.

As the intense legal battle continued, lead legal counsel Rudy Giuliani entered the room and witnessed the mayhem. He grabbed this reporter and shoved him out of the room and into the hall.

“Leave them be,” Giuliani said. “Those guys bill $1,800 an hour and don’t need any distractions from the press. Just report this–– if the president did anything, it’s legal. That’s the law! Case closed!”

The United States of America is under siege by hedonistic hipsters hellbent on horizontal hard-core hanky-panky!

The song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is a smut-filled anthem promoting pre-marital sinning. Little wonder radio stations across the nation are banning the dirty song before it drives listeners into the fiery lakes of hell and eternal damnation!

“‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is a virtual how-to guide for rape,” said Mandy Ingram, president of People For The Ethical Treatment of People In Mutually Consenting Relationships.

“This song could lead to the destruction of civilized society,” Ingram told The Lint Screen.  “Ricardo Montalban is a ravenous animal in his pursuit of Esther Williams, a woman striving to preserve her innocence. Meanwhile, aggressor Betty Garrett pursues poor Red Skelton, a man who is obviously not comfortable with his own sexuality. The overall message is to let your animal drive overpower your intellectual sense of decorum and decency. It’s outrageous and I am offended, as are many others! I don’t feel safe in a world where this song is played.”

Should you see or hear a performance of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” get help immediately before things go awry.