The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Troops Deployed From Border To Forests

    Troops Deployed From Border To Forests

    Troops plan their new assignment–– westward, ho!

    President Trump sure knows how to be commander-in-chief!

    After deploying over 5,000 troops to the southern United States border for protection against the horrendously dangerous caravan, the Big Fella made an executive decision to send the soldiers out west and is putting them on clean-up duty instead.

    “The president wants to stop all the western forest fires,” White House spokeswoman Amy Kunderew told The Lint Screen. “All these horrible fires are ravaging the land because the forest floors haven’t been cleaned in years. They’re disgraceful. Filfthy! We’ve become a laughingstock in Finland. So the president is being very presidential by ordering troops to take corrective cleaning action. They will be armed with Dyson vacuum cleaners and given the assignment of cleaning forest floors.”

    When asked if this move was another craven publicity stunt by the president using the military, Kunderew scoffed.

    “Absolutely not. President Trump has the highest regard for U.S. troops. Unless of course, if it’s raining. He used our troops and protected millions of innocent Americans from the deadly caravan that was moving very fast and then after the midterms slowed to a crawl for some mysterious reason. But now our leader wants to protect Americans by having the troops execute their new duty of cleaning the forest floors. We’re even airlifting-in Swiffers and feather dusters! President Trump is taking this action even if it benefits liberals. He is that kind of a president! He only thinks of others, never himself.”

  • Florida Dems Disclose Their Secret to Winning Elections

    Florida Dems Disclose Their Secret to Winning Elections

    This tool helps Democrats vote many, many times in Florida elections

    Our nation is decidedly behind glorious leader Donald J. Trump and his agenda for making America great again. The red wave in the midterm elections proves it!

    Yet, the cheating Democrats won’t surrender.

    Using the same tactics the looney liberals deployed in cheating President Trump of the popular vote in 2016, the sly Dems used voter disguises to cast repeated votes for socialists hellbent on bringing our nation to its knees.

    “We had to cheat,” Larry Turboten, a Democratic Party strategist in Florida told The Lint Screen. “If the elections were fair, the GOP candidates would win 98-99% of the popular vote. People love Trump and his crew of enabling toadies. I suspect they’d walk over red-hot coals to vote for the GOP. Democrats know that, so we do whatever it takes to win.”

    Turboten chortled menacingly, lit a marijuana cigarette, then an Amerian flag, and kicked cute helpless infants across the room.

    “We used millions of illegal immigrant voters,” the lib huckster crowed, “just like we did when Hillary ran. Once the illegals cast their votes, they’d run outside and change their shirts or shoes, put on a hat, a disguise, different cologne, whatever–– and they’d keep coming back again and again and vote the Dem-o-crap ticket. Of course, pollsters couldn’t keep up with our evil deviousness. We hoodwinked the entire electoral system by being conniving cheaters. Hey, that’s what Democrats do best!”

    Turboten then began ripping pages out of the Bible and fed them into a paper shredder while he prayed to Allah.

    Shame, shame, shame!

  • Trump Blames God For World Problems

    Trump Blames God For World Problems

    The Big Guy gives heat to The Big Guy

    The president made it clear today he doesn’t care how powerful you are–– if you refuse his “embrace” you are in serious trouble.

    Today Donald Trump called The Lint Screen and began an epic rampage against God The Almighty.

    “Look, I like God,” Trump said. “He’s a good guy, good work ethic. Did some amazing things in just seven days. Tremendous things–– light, water, animals, people, apple trees, cable TV. But lately, He has not been so good to me.”

    Trump is upset the diety seemingly is making his life difficult.

    “I went to France,” the president said. “I wanted to honor the people who died in wars. They’re what I call soldiers. Many people don’t know that I coined the term “soldiers.” Anyway, I wanted to go and honor the soldiers who died in World War I. That was a big war. A very big war. It was like the whole world was at war. But I couldn’t go to the World War I ceremony because God made it rain. Incredible rain. Very dangerous rain. The kind that makes people wet rain. Why had God forsaken me? What did I ever do to God? I love God, and this is how He pays me back? Not good, God. Not good at all, let me tell you.”

    Trump continued his rant.

    “Meanwhile, California has wildfires. Awful fires. But does God give California rain? No. But, maybe it’s California’s fault because they did not support me in the election. A very blue state. So, maybe God is paying them back. Maybe God isn’t such a bad guy. We’ll see. We’ll see. God, if You’re listening, it’s not too late to accept the embrace. The embrace is good. The embrace can do miracles, believe me. Take the Trump embrace. And call off Mueller’s witch hunt.“

  • Meet Matt Whitaker, A Fair & Balanced A.G.

    Meet Matt Whitaker, A Fair & Balanced A.G.

    A totally jacked superhero is now the protector of justice in these United States

    Now that the disloyal dwarf Jeff Sessions has resigned as Attorney General, President Trump has named Matthew G. Whitaker acting A.G. The Lint Screen met with Mr. Whitaker as he was working out at a local gym. Here is our exclusive interview.

    TLS: Congratulations, Mr. Whitaker, on becoming the acting Attorney General.
    MGW: There’s no need to be so formal. Mr. Whitaker is my father–– just call me “The Justice Enforcenator.”
    TLS: Sure. Do you think Jeff Sessions did a good job?
    MGW: Absolutely not. He was awful. Horrible. A disgrace. Sessions was very disloyal to our president. He should have never recused himself from the Mueller investigation. The Big Boss needs a fighter on his team. I think that’s why he picked me.
    TLS: What do you plan to do to the Mueller investigation?
    MGW: There’s a reason people call me The Justice Enforcenator. I will shut that toothpick down. I’ll take Mueller to the mat, put him in a guillotine choke hold, then give him an inverted Indian deathlock. That old dude won’t know what hit him.
    WHITAKER TOOK-OFF HIS TEE SHIRT AND TOSSED IT IN THE CORNER
    MGW: Come here, reporter boy–– do me a favor and grease-up my pecs.
    WHITAKER HANDED THIS REPORTER A BOTTLE OF BABY OIL AND THRUST HIS BARE CHEST FORWARD.
    TLS: Don’t you think Mueller should finish his investigation?
    MGW: Hell no. You have hands like a girl, anyone ever tell you that? Rub harder, keyboard jockey, work the oil in!
    TLS: Why do you want to shut down Mueller?
    MGW: Because the president already told him there was no collusion. Absolutely no collusion. But Mueller didn’t listen, he continued his witch hunt–– the biggest witch hunt in history. He’s wasting taxpayer money. Mueller has to be stopped. He’s the most dangerous man in America, and I say that as a completely impartial person.
    TLS: But there have been Russian ties to the Trump campaign, indictments issued, and four former Trump aides have pleaded guilty…
    MGW: Big fricking deal. Hannity says there was no collusion. He has great ratings, much better than the fake news on CNN. And Sarah Huckabee Sanders says there was no collusion. Plus, Fox and Friends. They’ve all said no collusion. Everyone says there was no collusion, except the fake news media and those people will be dealt with. The bottom line is Muller is a wild canon who needs to be shut down. Get over here, word boy, and spot me these barbells.
    THIS REPORTER TRIED TO LIFT THE BARBELLS, BUT THEY SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN WELDED TO THEIR STAND.
    TLS: I think these barbells are broken…
    MGW: Get out of the way, Shirley.
    WHITAKER BEGAN BENCH PRESSING THE BARBELLS AND GRUNTING. THIS REPORTER WATCHED AN EPISODE OF ‘THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE’ ON HIS PHONE AS WHITAKER WORKED-OUT. WHEN WHITAKER FINISHED, HE USED A TOWEL TO DRY HIS PERSPIRATION-SOAKED FACE.
    TLS: Is there anything you’d like the American people to know about you?
    MGW: Yes. They better get in line and obey our leader. President Trump is the greatest president in history, everyone says so, and anyone who disagrees is an enemy of the state and will be prosecuted. Especially Democrats–– that angry mod is out of control. Take it from The Justice Enforcenator, if you don’t obey, you will pay! Now, come here and lube my deltoids.
    THE LAW ENFORCERATOR TOSSED THIS REPORTER THE BOTTLE OF BABY OIL AS THE JOURNALIST HELD BACK HIS TEARS.

  • Deadly Caravan Threatens USA; Only One Man Can Save Us

    Deadly Caravan Threatens USA; Only One Man Can Save Us

    The death squad marches, hell-bent on America’s destruction and demise

    The treacherous, ravaging “caravan” is making a beeline to the United States border at blinding speeds of two-to-four miles an hour, and it presents such an existential threat, Lady Liberty needs a change of underwear.

    A mysterious patriot named John Miller called The Lint Screen offices to give the details.

    “Listen, this caravan is like nothing anyone has ever seen before,” Miller said. “This is worse than ISIS, the Black Panthers, Nazis, the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor, The Sharks from West Side Story, and the Huns combined. It’s horrible and very dangerous.”

    This reporter asked Mr. Miller if anyone had ever commented that his voice sounded just like Donald J. Trump.

    “Thank you very much,” Miller said. “That’s quite a compliment being compared to the greatest president in history. But no, no one has ever said that to me. My name is John Miller, and I am a very knowledgeable guy who loves his country.”

    Miller explained the danger the caravan poses for the USA. “The fake news is underreporting the size. Just like they lied about the size of Trump’s inauguration crowd. The caravan has over 100,000 people. Many of the people are Middle Eastern terrorists, MS-13 gang members, flesh-eating zombies, rapists, thugs with nuclear bombs, and babies with their mouths filled with poison that will kill you when you burp them. There are people infected with chicken pox, syphilis, the bubonic plague–– you name it. Some even have runny noses. There’s a lot of very bad people. Bad hombres, I call them. When they invade, it will be disastrous!”

    Miller said there is only one hope for the country’s salvation.

    “People need to vote for GOP candidates,” Miller said. “The GOP will support President Trump in fighting the caravan. Trump is dispatching 15,000 troops to protect us from this deadly caravan. If the Democrats get in office, they’ll be sending engraved invitations to terrorists and open up our borders. Then they’ll raise taxes, make the deficit bigger, stop coverage for pre-existing conditions, and kill all babies and all white people. That’s their plan. Nancy Pelosi and Crooked Hillary hate America and want to destroy it.”

    The excitable man took a deep breath and continued.

    “Look, it’s simple. On Tuesday vote for the GOP and keep America safe. Trump has a very large middle-class tax cut, a tremendous plan for healthcare–– better coverage and absolutely free–– plus, there will be a brand new car and a coconut cream pie for every GOP vote.”

    Vote Tuesday. Who doesn’t like coconut cream pie?

  • Trump Proposes Reduced Postage For Holiday Packages

    Trump Proposes Reduced Postage For Holiday Packages

    Packages like this shouldn’t require severe postage rates says the president

    In an effort to unite the country during these troubled times, President Trump thinks we should give a present to generous people.

    “The Christmas season is coming up,” the president told The Lint Screen, “that means a lot of mailing for gift givers. While my economy is the best ever in American history, an incredible economy, I think people shouldn’t be taxed for being generous and sending others special Christmas presents. So I am asking Congress to pass legislation that will give people who mail many, many packages a discount on their postage.”

    Trump has railed against the mainstream media (“FAKE NEWS”) for dividing our country.

    “What we’re seeing now is horrible,” the Trumpinator said. “I’ve got Mueller’s ridiculous witch hunt, and I have the media out to get me. They’ll do anything to not give me credit for the great job I’m doing. They do their stupid fact checking–– their facts, not mine–– and they make up fake news. It’s disgusting. Fox News is the only channel that tells the truth. Thank God for patriots like Sean Hannity.”

    Trump pointed to a Bible on his desk. “God wrote that. It’s a good book. It’s no Art of The Deal, but it really is a very good book.” Then he continued.

    “I am a great uniter, everyone says so. I’m a man who works to make peace. Always a kind word for everyone. I warn people about dangers. I want others to follow my lead and be like Santa Claus. I’m encouraging Americans to send special packages to people they disagree with. Share gifts that will bring us together. And if Congress does their job, the postage will be much more affordable for people to share their love.”