GOP Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville, who lives in Florida, is determined to make the U.S. Military bow to his wishes. “Ain’t nothing or no one going to stop me,” Tuberville tells The Lint Screen. “I want a total surrender to my will, or I’ll continue to hold the American Military forces and their families, hostage.…

Pitiful Rudy Giuliani was once a hero, but now the pathetic schlub is known as a con man’s patsy. On Wednesday, a federal judge ruled that Giuliani is liable for defaming Georgia election workers Ruby Freeman and her daughter, Wandrea’ ArShaye Moss, by accusing them of fraud during the Georgia vote counting at State Farm…

Florida dictator and presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis (pronounced “DeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeSantis“) has been a major disappointment on the campaign trail. “Ron’s had a few hiccups,” says his campaign manager, Eddie “The Worm” Snoggims. “Many people have noticed that he sometimes can appear a little robotic and awkward around people. We have addressed that issue.” Snoggims explains that…

Clarence Thomas grew up poor in Savannah, Georgia. He vowed, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again,” and hit the jackpot when he passed Senate approval to become an Associate Justice after only one-year judiciary experience. It’s been prime rib, lobster tails, and Chateau Latour Premier Grand Cru ever since. “I had…

Poor Donald J. Trump. The man never got a break. At least that’s what he tells The Lint Screen. “I was born into poverty,” he recalls. “Living on the mean streets of Hell’s Kitchen. I had nothing. I ate rats. Such awful meat– rat meat. Stringy. But I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and…