Humor

Various things designed to get you to expel air in an unplanned manner while showing more teeth than you usually do.

A peek inside the big guy’s noggin

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I want my face on the flag. It’s too busy–– all those stars and stripes–– that’s not classy. We need a gold flag with my face on it and the word TRUMP! That will tell the world America is great again. I’ll tell Stephen Miller to make it happen. I’ll give him a rat treat. He loves those. The guy will do anything for a disgusting rat.

“Biden robot clone was programmed to destroy America,” Trump claims

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“It was a horrible plot to destroy our country,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “The robot worked to steal the 2020 election from me. Everyone knows I won in a tremendous landslide. No one’s ever seen such a victory, but the Biden robot changed all the numbers. Once the robot won, old Joe was put down, and they pulled the switcheroo. Americans were cheated by technology. No wonder so many patriots stormed the Capitol. They were the victims. They were heroes!”

Trump publishes his official “special favors” bribery rate card

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“If you’ve got a conviction, or someone you know is locked up, a million bucks buys you an instant presidential pardon,” Trump says. “If you were a vocal Trump supporter in the past, I’ll even give you a 0.25% discount. And if you’re frequently getting busted, Trump offers a Frequent Pardoners Club– you’ll earn one free pardon after purchasing your first ten.”

Johnson Masturbated In Celebration of Passing Trump’s “One Big, Beautiful Bill”

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“Yes, it was true,” Mike Johnson confesses. “I went to the website christianhotties.com and pleasured myself.” The bespeckled man removes his glasses and wipes tears from his eyes. “I succumbed to Satan’s temptation. I was so elated that I had shepherded President Trump’s One Big Beautiful Bill through the House of Representatives’ approval process that I was compelled to let off a little steam. And tragically, I subjected millions of potential lives to instant death.” He breaks down sobbing. “I killed a future generation of little Mike Johnsons. Imagine what they could have done for White Christian Nationalism.”