Reporters at The Lint Screen work hard to get the scoop. Sometimes we goof–– oopsie daisies!
Enterprises are made by people and people make mistakes, so every enterprise is mistaken. The Lint Screen is no different.
We’ve had our share of boners over the years, and we’d like to correct some of them today. We humbly beg you your forgiveness–– for as ‘The Situation’ of “Jersey Shores” famously said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”
The Lint Screen Corrections:
– A guy named Alexander Pope wrote “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Not ‘The Situation.’
– Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of The United States of America, not “The Secretary of Beards & Cool Headwear” as previously reported.
– The professional baseball team in Cleveland, Ohio is called “The Cleveland Indians” and not “The Buffalo Whippersnappers” as we previously reported.
– Socrates was a Greek philosopher who lived from 469 BC – 399 BC. The Lint Screen mistakenly reported that he was the host of “Jeopardy” from 1974-79.
– The Theory of Relativity has something to do with physics, not whether first cousins can marry as we previously published.
– The first words spoken by Neil Armstrong when he landed on the moon July 20, 1969 were not “They put a man on the moon, you think my wife could make me a decent plate of waffles.” Apparently, The Lint Screen researchers were given bogus information.
– The poet Robert Frost is not mentioned in a famous Christmas song as the one “nipping at your nose.” That would be a character called Jack Frost, no relation.
– We’re pretty sure that Wikipedia is not a sexually transmitted disease.
– President Gerald Ford did not “conduct important cabinet meetings while seated on a purple Shetland pony and handing out candy apples and comically large cowboy hats.” We’re still not sure where our reporter got that information.
– The Bay of Pigs refers to something or other that happened in Cuba, not “a magical place where bacon flows freely and the shores are hammalicious!” as we mistakenly disclosed recently.
We’re sorry if these little mishaps cost you money in bar bets or caused term paper grades to drop. We will do our best to get the story straight in the future, and we thank you for your forgiveness of past mistakes. We’re only hormone.
Were it not for Abraham Lincoln, our sweet 16 president, these United States would not be quite so united. The other day was Lincoln’s 200th birthday, and were he alive today, he would be the oldest man ever–– paying some of the highest health insurance premiums ever.
Lincoln would have been 200 years old if he weren’t dead. Happy birthday, anyway!
Only two people have had more books written about them than Mr. Lincoln. Guess who? (Hint: it’s not Vic Tayback and Pat Sajak.)
Still, with all the volumes written on this great man, there are some lesser known facts you might like to know and pepper into your conversations. Here are my favorite obscure Lincoln facts:
1. Lincoln was the first president to wear silk undergarments.
Abe like him some flapjacks with molasses for breakfast, but he didn’t eat with utensils as “they have ill humors about them. It’s spooky, man, freaks me out.”
Contrary to the legend, he did not write the Gettysburg Address on the back of an envelope. Fact is, he wrote it hastily on a Mac Powerbook 23o, which was pretty ancient even back then.
Lincoln suffered bouts of melancholia brought on by binges of listening to Barry Manilow music and the knowledge he would be assassinated at Ford’s Theatre and never get to see the end of the play, which really sucks when you’ve paid retail for tickets.
Many people alleged that Mary Lincoln was a bit bonkers. Actually, she was just a carefree, madcap kind of zany cut-up who enjoyed a little attention. Besides, her imaginary friend, the rainbow unicorn, told her to act-up.
Lincoln used to use a shiny penny as a form of identification. “Look, it’s me, see?!”
Honest Abe told George Washington’s dad it was he (Lincoln) who chopped down the cherry tree. Ol’ man Washington whupped Abe good while George giggled into a throw pillow.
Lincoln was known for his razor sharp wit. He wanted to open his second inaugural address with, “A Rabbi, Priest and Minister walk into a saloon…” He was talked out of it by aides.
Believe it or not, Lincoln never saw any of the “Star Wars” films. George Lucus sued.
At one time Lincoln had a mustache and a beard, however, he fell behind in his payments on the lip hair and it was repo-ed. Throughout his life he struggled to keep up on his beard payments and was saving for a unibrow.
Lincoln was a poor gift giver. No matter what the occasion, the recipient could be heard to say the familiar refrain, “Oh, look at that–– Lincoln Logs. Just what I wanted…”
12. President Lincoln sported an impressive six pack of abs and worked the weights to add firepower to his substantial guns. He was quite proud of his “gloriously rockin’ bod” and liked to lube his torso during cabinet meetings. Some cabinet members found it terribly disturbing. Others, quite fetching.
13. Lincoln always said, “If I live to be 200, I wonder if I’ll be remembered with little known facts about me on some website called The Lint Screen. What is a website, anyway?”
Silly tall bearded favorite president, yes, you’re remembered! Happy belated Lincoln’s 200th Birthday! Now, let the guessing begin for the identity of the two people more popular than Lincoln as book subjects, or if you have some lesser known facts…
These men were powerless to their gobbling masters.
Every year it’s a traditional Thanksgiving news story: the official Presidential pardon of one lucky turkey.
It’s a photo-op that newspapers and broadcast stations feast upon; a little sorbet to clear the ravenous appetite of the 24-hour news cycle. But this little news-nothing is NOT what it seems!!!!!!!!!!!(wait, let me add a few more exclamation points for emphasis)!!!!!!! (I’ll boldface and italicize them, too)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a load of this everyone: turkeys are our real leaders, and have been calling the shots in these United States for a long, long time.
It was no accident that Ben Franklin proposed the humble turkey as our national bird… he was ruled by an old tom turkey named Samuel.
When the eagle was named the national symbol instead, Samuel the turkey had Franklin banished to France as punishment. But the turkey uprising had taken firm root, and the clever beasts would not be deterred in their insatiable lust for power. Let eagles have the glory of being a patriotic ‘symbol’; turkeys would seize the real power– ruling our country!
For years, turkeys tried unsuccessfully to get a foothold in the corridors of political power. Six turkeys worked together beneath a large overcoat and tried to pass themselves off as Martin Van Buren at his inauguration, but the plot failed when they could not produce a hand to place on the Bible for the swearing-in ceremony. Years later, scandal arose when it was revealed Millard Fillmore’s Secretary of State was in fact a smooth-gobbling turkey wearing an ascot. The turkey was quickly removed from office and replaced with a human. But before long, a real power move was finally made inside the White House.
An ambitious turkey named Daniel persuaded Abraham Lincoln’s son, Tad, to make a plea to the old man to spare his life before Thanksgiving. Tad made his case and his dad agreed. Daniel the turkey was spared. Daniel saw his opening, and the political pull of turkeys have gotten stronger ever since.
Over the next decades, turkey insiders began working Washington hard. Clever turkeys formed K-Street lobbying firms and began greasing the inside track of American politics. Turkeys were bipartisan, funneling cash, sexual favors, and giblets to whatever political party was in power. By the time Harry S. Truman was in office, the turkey cabal was in full evil control of Washington, DC. Ever since, every president has made the pardoning of a turkey an annual event.
The turkey receiving the presidential pardon is typically the Grand Gobbler, top dog, fatcat, head cheese. Said turkey will occupy the Oval Office and tell the President exactly what to do. A quick look at some legislation that has been quietly passed over the years proves the power of this ingenious poultry breed.
Did you know turkeys are not subject to ANY income taxes whatsoever? A turkey making $450 million a year pays $0 in taxes, a regular wealthy American could pay upwards of $6,200!
Turkeys are legally permitted to carry nuclear weapons and may smoke openly in public places.
Like some sort of brazen foreign diplomat, turkeys may park their cars wherever they like– even in handicap spots or way past the painted dividing line.
Turkeys cannot be tried for manslaughter, gambling, libel, arson, kidnapping, piracy, child abuse, fraud, aggressive panhandling, perjury, drunk driving, squatting, speeding, graffiti, sabotage, bank robbery, spitting in public places, jaywalking, embezzlement (note to self: NEVER EVER hire a turkey to handle any finances, no matter how impressive the resume), trespassing, petty larceny or sexual harassment. In fact, by law you cannot issue a restraining order against a turkey.
In short, turkeys are virtually immune from our judicial system. Talk about powerful lobbyists!
The true disgrace is that turkeys openly flaunt their immense power and iron-fisted control of the country by staging the farcical annual ‘pardoning’ by the President. It all seems so cute and innocent, but at its core is evilness and unholy not goodness.
Turkeys who threaten to snitch pay the price!
So why do these leader turkeys permit the senseless slaughter of millions of their compatriots every Thanksgiving? Well, they like the taste of turkey gravy. They also think that since millions of their own die, no one will suspect that the leader turkeys are really calling the shots. Typically after the Presidential photo-op, the “pardoned turkey”, the prez and key cabinet officials convene in the Oval Office where the Top Tom gives the human leaders their marching orders.
Recently, a few brave turkeys were promised witness relocation and protection by the FBI if they came forward and gave sworn testament to the inner workings of the insidious turkey cabal. The turkeys were told they’d have their stories told on TV to Sarah Palin. Alas, when the cameras began to roll, the turkeys were silenced in the background as Ms. Palin held court on other subjects she deemed more important.
Now that you know the true story of turkey power in America, those Thanksgiving leftovers have never tasted better.
