The Lint Screen

Tag: Air Supply

  • bin Laden’s Records Reveal His Dark Side

    The evil bastard Osama bin Laden had a darker side than any of us imagined.

    The recent raid of Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan pad resulted in his death, some nasty rug stains and his eternal shame and embarrassment as U.S. government officials today released details of records captured in the evil man’s lair.

    There is one obvious conclusion to be drawn: bin Laden had truly disturbing taste in music!

    The al Qaeda leader had a 666 vinyl album collection that included the entire works of Yanni, Ethel Merman, Spice Girls, Vanilla Ice, Fat Louie Szykowski & His Big Polka Band, Mini Moni, Hanson, Limp Bizkit, Baccara, Air Supply, Nickelback, Tiny Tim, Tiffany, Starland Vocal Band, Armi ja Danny, John Tesh, Hoobastank, Jonas Brothers, Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots, Zamfir, Boxcar Willie, El Chombo, Ratt, Bay City Rollers, Daler Mehndi, Bread, David Hasselhoff, Milli Vanilli, Steklovata, Creed and Ashlee Simpson.

    “bin Laden was truly evil,” said a government official, “we discovered an extensive collection of Marcel Marceau albums, including the rare title ‘Writer’s Block’ that in my opinion is definitely sonically superior to the digitally remastered CD from 2008. That thing sucks, dude–– sucks!” the official shouted as he spat on the ground in disgust.

    “Most disturbing of all is an album we found that has various artists like Bobby Goldsboro, Alvin and the Chipmunks and Leif Garrett covering the Disney song ‘It’s A Small World After All.’ It’s hard to imagine how anyone could be that hateful to own such an evil thing. This guy was obviously even worse than we feared” The official shook his head in disgust and waited patiently for time to pass.

    It did.

    Slowly.

  • Chelsea’s Shindig

    The happy loving couple done got hitched real good!
    I suppose it was kind of a big deal to be one of “Triple-A” guests invited to attend Chelsea Clinton’s fab $3 million wedding to Marc Mezvinsky, but if you’re invited you can’t exactly give the ol’ ‘hi-hat’, especially if you’re an F.O.B. and F.O.H.

    So, off to Rhinebeck, New York we went.

    For a wedding gift, we weren’t sure where the couple was registered so we went with the failsafe gift every newlywed couple needs and loves: an Oster Waffle Iron. As an added bonus, we gave a mouse pad with a cute illustration of a pelican and the clever saying “Who wants fish for supper? I do!”

    Cute, meet practical! You just can’t go wrong with the classics.

    Here are seven observations about the Clinton affair, er, Clinton daughter wedding.

    1. The ceremony was beautiful. The happy couple exchanged vows that included some lyrics from Air Supply songs, Dr. Phil books and helpful tips from Chilton Auto Repair Manuals.

    2. Some of the guests in attendance were surprising: Mike Score from Flock of Seagulls, Burt Reynolds, Mary Cheney, Jack Klugman, Eminem, The San Diego Chicken, Marion Barry, James Gandolfini, Paula Dean, Sarah Palin, Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin, Jon “Bowzer” Bauman from Sha Na Na, Donald Sutherland, Seve Ballesteros and Ron Popeil.

    3. I think $3 million would get you better fare than rigatoni and meatballs, tossed salad, green beans and steamship round beef with mini rolls. The Pepperidge Farm cookies were a nice touch though.

    4. Having a cash bar seemed a little tight-fisted also. I suppose most of the $3 million went into wedding planning. Those people are pricey.

    5. The cake was magnificent; I’m thinking Duncan Hines at the least. Only problem was that the decorator couldn’t spell and wrote Congradulations instead of Happy Wedding Day, Y’all!”

    6. It may have been the wildest hokey-pokey and chicken dances I’ve ever seen. That Bill Clinton can cut him some rug, and Hillary doing the limbo– classic!

    7. A good time was had by all, except Ron Popeil. Apparently he wasn’t the only one giving a Showtime Rotisserie for a wedding gift.