The Lint Screen

Tag: Al Qaeda

  • ISIS Hires P.R. Firm, Rebrands Itself

    The terrible terrorist group ISIL believes cute kittens will make it more adorable
    The terrible terrorist group ISIS believes cute kittens will make it more adorable

    The Islamic State Group (a.k.a. ISIL, ISIS, A-Holes, A-Whats-a-matter-u?) believes it has a bad reputation and has hired Milligan-Koswell Public Relations in New York City to soften its terrible image.

    “These guys are pretty upset,” said E. Carlson Foswell, the Management Supervisor of the new account at M-K PR. “They’ve worked hard to establish a new brand in terrorism, one that is pure evil. A dream team of ruthlessness. The members are frustrated because they’re very savvy in social media channels, but they’re not viewed as being approachable. Let’s face it, Tweets, beheading videos, sadistic murders and outrageous cruelties will only get you so far, and it’s probably not going to make you many friends on Facebook.”

    To combat the ISIS image problem, M-K PR has begun a new branding campaign employing cute kittens. “There’s a reason kittens are a meme–– they’re absolutely adorable! Using cute balls of fur with loving eyes will make ISIS more approachable. Kittens also acknowledge a ferocious nature within. We think using kittens is brilliant! In addition, we’re creating a total re-branding campaign with a bright colorful logo, a jingle with a bouncy-C infectious beat, and a catchy slogan. It’ll be epic! We’re also working to get a terrorist spokesman on Fallon, Letterman and The Daily Show. Maybe even a guest spot in Gray’s Anatomy, The Walking Dead or Modern Family. We’re even talking with the NFL about possibly performing at halftime during The Super Bowl. We’re pulling out all the stops.”

    In response to the announcement, al-Qaeda is reportedly putting its marketing/PR account up for review.

  • Lonely No More

    Cheer up, Gloomy Gus– Homeland Security’s your pal!
    Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the 23-year old Nigerian man who attempted to bomb an American plane on Christmas day, was very lonely according to recently discovered online postings he made between 2005 -2007. Speculation is that the young man’s loneliness may have made him vulnerable and susceptible to following Al Qaeda orders to blow up an American jumbo jet. But Homeland Security officials have lept into action to curb the threat of future lonely bombers.

    Effectively immediately, all TSA employees will engage passengers in conversation and offer to give them a back rub to ease pre-flight tensions. “We’re going to do whatever it takes to engage every passenger and make them feel like they have a friend and life is worth living and they shouldn’t blow up aircraft,” said an unnamed source in the Homeland Security Department. “If that means taking them to a nearby carnival and buying them some cotton candy, caramel apples or a pony ride, we’ll do it. We want to make sure everyone feels loved and accepted for who they are and that they have a friend in the TSA. Oh, it may take a little longer to get through airport security, but in times like these we all need to be willing to make sacrifices.”

    Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who is the youngest of 16 children, may have felt unloved and misunderstood by his parents. “It’s quite common for the 16th child to have loneliness issues,” said noted child psychologist Dr. Raymond G. Lillymutton, “they do not get the love and devotion that the first 15 children receive, so they naturally crave attention. The kind of attention terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda are so good at providing– what with their secret handshakes, explosive yet surprisingly comfortable undergarments and easy martyrdom program. It’s the kind of package designed to appeal to someone with 16th child loneliness issues.”