The Lint Screen

Tag: American Idol

  • Non-Human Debate Ends Tragically

    Around the world, people watched non-humans debate.
    Last night, Dr. John Doolittle moderated the first ever presidential debate with exclusively non-human candidates, and the broadcast which aired on Animal Planet attracted viewership numbers to rival Dancing With The Stars or American Idol.

    The debate panel consisted of adorable puppy, Santy Paws, lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, and colorful character, Carl The Chameleon. Because of moderator Dr. Doolittle’s amazing ability “to talk to the animals,” there was no need for translators and all points of view of the candidates were heard loud and clear.

    The non-human debate highlights included:
    + Carl The Chameleon said that God asked him to run for the presidency. “But I didn’t hear His voice,” said the small lizard, “I received a text message from Him.”

    + Santy Paws claimed that God talked to him all the time and texted him frequently. He also said that if he was elected president, “All good little boys and girls will get tax breaks and entitlement programs out the wazoo.”

    + Carl The Chameleon said that whatever Santy Paws promises in tax cuts and entitlements, he will double and perhaps even triple them. “Because I think Americans deserve the best and then even better!”

    + Ms. Pickles said that she was a more evolved species than either of her opponents and thus a better choice to lead the nation. “But I do not think evolution should be taught in schools,” she said earnestly. “It is just a cockamamee theory, after all.”

    + Carl The Chameleon said that he is not worried about climate change. “Excruciating tropical heat doesn’t bother me in the least. Feels pretty darn good, actually,” he said.

    + Santy Paws said if elected he would “lick every American’s face with my warm tongue. And it’s a little scratchy so it tickles, people! You’re going to love my licks o’ love!”

    + Carl The Chameleon said he would use his “long tongue of justice” to rid the nation of mosquitos and other pesky flying insects.

    + Ms. Pickles said she would use drones to address the flying insect terrorism problem.

    + Santy Paws said he believed flying insects are evil and should be contained at Guantanamo Bay. He said that he would not give flying insects tax cuts or entitlement benefits.

    + Carl The Chameleon said that Santy Paws was too soft on terrorism and that America needed a cold-blooded leader like him.

    + Santy Paws pivoted toward Carl The Chameleon‘s podium, opened his mouth and quickly snagged the small reptile into it. Santy Paws then ate his opponent with his razor-sharp teeth and said “Who’s soft now?”

    + Ms. Pickles squealed in fright and ran off the stage. Later, the Ms. Pickles campaign staff reported that the primate candidate was requesting Secret Service protection.

    After the debate, Dr. Doolittle said that it was an illuminating experience. “I think we got a good feel for where these candidates stand,” he said, “and I think everyone would agree it was much livelier than the human debates we’ve seen thus far.”

  • BPTV Launches

    There was one surprising silver lining on the black oil cloud of the recent failure of BP’s “Top Kill” effort– the live camera feed of the oil leak disaster drew millions of curious viewers from around the world.

    The viewer response was so strong, BP has decided to launch the live camera feed as a new dedicated cable channel available this summer.

    “We’ve been looking at viewership numbers and they are incredible,” said Rory Cappingstap, an independent producer hired by BP. “In overnights, we’ve been posting ‘American Idol’ kind of numbers, which is unheard of these days for a new show. We’re even thinking of getting Simon or Ellen as a guest commentator on our new channel.”

    To offset the costs of fixing the spill, BP will sell advertising time on its network. “We’ve been talking with P&G about doing big tie-ins with Dawn, Tide and some of their other products that are smashing at dealing with oily stains and such,” said Mr. Cappingstap. “We’ll also have a heavy rotation of BP corporate spots letting people know how much we care about the environment and that sort of thing.”

    If the oil leak is stopped in August, it would severely curtail viewership, but Mr. Cappingstap is optimistic. “We may not be able to cap this well, in which case we’ll be able to keep airing into the fall, and God willing, even get into the spring sweeps. With lots of hungry eyes and untold opportunities for advertising revenue, BPTV is the sort of diversification the company needs in troubled times likes these. This truly is Must-Sea TV! Rather clever, isn’t it?”

  • Pre-K Commencement Address

    Time to grow up, kiddies!
    Angels Must Earn Their Wings

         Recently I was asked to give the commencement address to “The Cherished Sweet Angels Pre-K” graduating class. Here’s my speech in its entirety with editorial comments:

        Good morning, Cherished Sweet Angels, and congratulations on receiving a sheepskin for doing little more than poking straws into juice boxes and for rarely mistaking glue sticks for ChapSticks. (TITTERS OF NERVOUS LAUGHTER FROM PARENTS AND CHILDREN.) For these incredible accomplishments we are gathered to honor and blow smoke up your graduation gowns. (ANGRY STARES FROM PARENTS. CHILDREN LOOK BORED.)

        Let me tell you about what awaits you so you’ll be prepared to face the challenges ahead. It will be an exciting time, one that will test you and make you graduate from Cherished Sweet Angels to legitimate saints, wings optional. (TEACHERS ARE ATTENTIVE. CHILDREN YAWN.)

        Your first challenge is paying down the debt all the grown-ups and the government have taken on. As of today, every man, woman and child owes $33,468 to help pay this debt. So, Angels, each of you owes $33,468. (CONFUSION ON CHILDREN’S FACES, ANGER ON PARENT AND TEACHER FACES.)

        A lot of this money we borrowed from China to pay for things we couldn’t afford, including a big financial mess caused by financial people who hired slick lobbyists to schmooze politicians and change the laws so that no one would watch them. Then these finance wizards gambled with our money and lost it. Silly Wall Street fat cats! Now they need more money so that they can have big bonuses. Hoo-ray! (PARENTS IN FINANCIAL SERVICES LOOK LIVID, CHILDREN ARE ANXIOUS.) 

        The $33,468 you owe means you might want to ask mommy and daddy for a raise in allowance, or, maybe open a lemonade stand where you can sell a glass for $1,000 or so. One way or another, you’re going to have to pay the piper! (SOME CHILDREN BEGIN CRYING, PARENTS MOVE TO COMFORT THE WEAK.)

        But debt is only part of the challenges ahead. You also have the threat of nuclear war! Yes, all sorts of kooky people want to make bombs that will kill tens of thousands of us and strip the flesh from our bones. Ouch! (MANY MORE CHILDREN BEGIN CRYING, SOME WAIL IN ANGUISH.)

        Who are these kooky people who want us dead? Oh, there’s all sorts of them. It’s like playing ‘Whack-A-Mole’ trying to keep all these nuts in check. Grab a mallet, kiddies, and let’s get to work!

        Then there’s food. Did you know just about everything you eat can kill you? Fast food, snacks, sweets, meats, sodas, bio-engineered fruits and vegetables dripping with evil pesticides… why just about anything you can think of is out to get you once it’s inside of you! Yow-wee ka-zowee! (MANY CHILDREN SCREAM AND RUN FOR THEIR PARENTS. THE TEACHERS TRY THEIR BEST TO COMFORT THE CHILDREN WHO REMAIN SEATED.)

        But we’re just getting started. The news tells us there are many, many things to fear on the horizon. Immigrants taking all our jobs, social security running dry, swine flu and all sorts of nasty germs that are sure to kill us, increasing violence, a war on terror and a war on drugs and flavors of nastiness you wouldn’t believe! (SOME CHILDREN DROP TO THE FLOOR, LIE ON THEIR BACKS AND WAIL AS STREAMS OF TEARS COLLECT IN PUDDLES.)

        Oh, I’ve just scratched the surface, my Cherished Sweet Angels. I haven’t even warned you about reality TV yet! (AN ANGRY MOB OF PARENTS RUSH THE PODIUM, THEY BEAT ME, SWEAR AT ME AND TRY TO RESTRAIN ME FROM GIVING MY LAST WORD OF ADVICE, BUT I SHOUT IT LOUDLY FOR ALL TO HEAR ABOVE THE DIN OF CRYING.)

        Never give up your right to vote for your “American Idol”, kiddies. It’s your right as an American to be involved with the political process!

        (EVERYTHING GOES BLACK.)