The soon-to-be launched iPhone 8 is a throw-back to a simpler time!
The Lint Screen has obtained an actual prototype of the long-anticipated Apple iPhone 8, and it is surprising.
The new phone model reflects a decidedly retro look and feel. “Tim Cook felt the iPhone design was getting stale,” said an anonymous Apple insider. “Tim is looking to finally make his mark on the company Steve Jobs built, and the iPhone 8 represents his brave vision.”
It most certainly does!
The “wireless cell phone” is dubbed “The Brick” by Silicon Valley technocrats. One engineer told TLS, “The Brick was designed to take users back to a simpler time when the country wasn’t so divided and run by maniacs, and Mother Nature didn’t hate humanity with a vengeance. Cook thinks Jobs would love the idea of using technology in service of humanity’s happiness and well-being.”
The iPhone 8 will feature an analog voicemail using “really small cassette tapes that make the user feel like he’s a secret agent!”
Unlike previous iPhones, this model will not have a screen or a camera, or the ability to access the internet.
“It’s a bold move on Apple’s part,” said an industry expert, “but Cook feels strongly that all these technological advances have just made people more depressed when they realize how sucky the news and modern life is. The iPhone 8 will allow users to escape the existential hell of our reality.”
The new iPhone 8 will retail for $1,099, and as the tech expert said, “That’s a small price to pay for sanity.”
If you watch television, you’ve probably seen Apple’s new holiday spot. If not, here’s the cheese:
http://youtu.be/WRsPnzcZ1VY
It works because it’s a simple human story, something in short supply these days.
The young woman is rummaging through her granny’s vinyl collection and comes across a Voice-O-Graph. This is a recording the grandmother had made in 1952 for Raymond, her lover who was off to war. The granddaughter turns on the old analog stereo receiver and drops the needle on the Voice-O-Graph. We hear that distinctive sound of a needle etching its way across vinyl, a sound that is absent in today’s all digital crystal clear audio world. That sound, that imperfect sound, connects on an emotional level because it has warmth and tonal resonance. For anyone familiar with vinyl, that sound of a needle on a record is hardwired to our innocence.
We hear the young woman speak to her soldier. “My darling Raymond, though you can’t be here for the holidays, we’ll always be together in my heart.” Then, the young woman begins singing “Our Love Is Here To Stay” by George and Ira Gershwin. The granddaughter is moved.
Enter technology.
She takes the Voice-O-Graph and digitizes into her Apple Air. She accompanies her grandmother’s voice from 1952 with guitars a keyboard and her own voice.
The granddaughter plays Santa and leaves an iPad Air with earbuds on the kitchen table along with a card reading “‘A duet’ press play.” We see modern granny as she listens to the composition of her young self accompanied by her granddaughter and views the collection of black and white photos that have been left for her. She views the pictures as she listens. There she is, as a young woman. There is her soldier. There is their daughter as a little girl dressed up and standing by the Christmas tree. There is the proud young woman granny once was, standing with her freshly-pressed Voice-O-Graph.
The granddaughter did not make a movie of the pictures and marry them to the song. That would have reduced the story to a screen. No, we see the grandmother handling physical B&W pictures as she listens to the soundtrack enjoying the movies of memories in her head. We can’t see these memories but we read her reactions to them on her face. She is touched. We are touched. The woman who plays grandma plays her perfectly, not milking the emotions but allowing them to wash over her in fond reflections.
The granddaughter sits on the stairs and watches granny at the kitchen table. Although she can’t see her face, she’s happy that she has delivered a perfect Christmas gift–– a personal one built on a moment from 62 years ago (one that was hidden in a stack of old records), digitized and improved thanks to her love for her grandmother.
What does this spot say about Apple? It says that this company makes technology that enables magic moments like this. Add your creativity and make something special.
The gift is not the product, it’s the humanity one brings to others thanks to the product(s).
So, couldn’t any number of companies have created this spot? Absolutely. But they didn’t. They’re too busy comparing themselves and their products to Apple.
This is another holiday classic, like last year’s Apple spot “Misunderstood” (see below). Congrats to everyone involved with these spots. You are proving that in an age where we live in front of screens, we can still create magic to move and touch people.
Yesterday, Apple’s leader Tim Cook headed a special news conference where the rock musician Elvis Costello performed.
Today, Apple stock is getting hammered on Wall Street.
“Elvis Costello was a mistake,” said a Goldman Sachs tech analyst. “Cook should have picked someone hip and hot, like I don’t know, maybe Steve Perry from Journey or who’s that lead singer of Kansas–– ol’ what’s his name.”
A Morgan Stanley analyst thought Miley Cyrus would have been a better choice. “She’s hot what with her twerking and all, and have you seen this new video she did for ‘Wrecking Ball’– man, Bruce Springsteen didn’t get naked or lick a sledgehammer when he did that song!”
At the news conference, apparently Apple also had some new product news.
Steve Jobs has left the building. He is no longer Mr. Apple. While this day had to eventually come, it doesn’t make it any easier to take.
No other business leader has been such a visionary, and no other company is such a reflection of its inspirational leader. Jobs is Apple, Apple is Jobs, and we will see if the great company can continue going forward without him at the helm.
I suspect it will. After all, Jobs stocked the pond.
In its early days, back when IBM ruled the PC world, Apple was positioned as “the computer for the rest of us.” Us were those who could care less how the damn thing worked. Us were the technophobic crowd who merely wanted the magic without knowing how the trick was done. Us were the ones who wanted to do a task with one keystroke instead of three, and wanted to make it possible for typography to be beautiful.
That’s what Jobs and Apple gave us: easy to use computers and devices that did what needed to be done, while doing some other cool things, all while looking pretty cool.
I spend most days hunched over an Apple laptop. I listen to an iPod on foot, in the car and on the plane. I talk on an iPhone and surf the web with it, too. I rarely resist the siren call of an Apple store and lust for all the goodies within (MacBook Air, I’m stalking you). And, of course, I’ve been a fan of Apple’s advertising from the start.
Aside from those couple years when Jobs got das boot from Apple and created NeXT and turbo-boosted Pixar, the company was a reflection of the man in jeans and a black turtleneck. A man who is sick, but still generously shared his wisdom a few years back with this inspiring commencement address.
A man who was our modern day Edison with his name listed on 313 Apple patents. A man who thought differently, and asked us to think different. A true American legend, this Steve Jobs. He will be missed. Enjoy.
As the world prepares for the greatest game in the history of the world, the earth also prepares to watch the bestest commercials ever aired on planet earth.
Not to overstate the case, but this Sunday night’s Super Bowl broadcast will be the defining moment of civilization.
In preparation, here are VI little known facts about some famous Super Bowl commercials of the past.
I. The “Mean Joe Green” spot for Coca-Cola was originally written for comedian Shecky Green. In the spot, Shecky is followed by a young fan after performing in Las Vegas. The kid offers the yuckster a Coke. Shecky resists, sees that the kid is upset, takes the bottle and chugs it. As the kid walks away, Shecky tosses him his microphone as a gift. Later it was decided that the commercial should take a more ‘football slant’ and Mean Joe Green of the Pittsburgh Steelers was cast. A little known fact: Shecky and Joe are NOT related.
II. Apple’s “1984” spot never aired. Steve Jobs merely thought about it and we all saw it.
III. McDonald’s “The Showdown” commercial using Larry Bird and Michael Jordan in a shoot-out for a Big Mac and fries showed the basketball stars making incredibly impossible shots. The shots were real, but it took 134,824 takes to get them. The basketball stars demanded the behind the scenes story never be revealed to save their fragile egos and reputations.
IV. The Tabasco Sauce exploding mosquito commercial almost never aired due to extensive protests from the SPCBSI (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Blood Sucking Insects). When vats of hot oil were dumped on protestors outside Tabasco headquarters, they agreed the commercial was O.K. to air.
V. The famous Bud Bowl spots were rigged. Bud Light always covered the spread and bookies made huge profits on the vig. When Budweiser demanded Bud Light be tested for steroids, the Bud Bowl quickly disappeared before a scandal started.
VI. Go Daddy uses sexy girls to grab attention. Seriously.
Come back to The Lint Screen on Monday, February 7 for our annual wrap-up critique of all the spots aired in the 2011 Super Bowl– and let the debating begin!
Not exactly what people had been expecting from Steve Jobs.With the announcement by Steve Jobs of Apple’s new tablet device just minutes away, The Lint Screen has learned the gizmo will have a definite retro feel.
“The designers at Apple were getting tired of the sleek, modern look for devices,” said a Cupertino insider, “so they went for something a bit more classic. The tablet is made of stone and weighs 42 pounds.”
The device will come complete with a hammer and chisel. “From a technological standpoint, it’s pretty radical. It doesn’t even require a power source or software.”
Soon we’ll see if this rumor is true, and also the rumor that Steve Jobs will be wearing a blue knit shirt and black jeans.
