The Lint Screen

Tag: Beyonce

  • Kanye Beyoncés Back!

    Last week, Kanye West caused a stir at the MTV Music Video Awards when he interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech to declare, “Beyoncé has one of the best videos of all time.” This week he did it again, interrupting every single acceptance speech at The 61st Primetime Emmys with his energized pleas for recognition of Beyoncé’s video.

    Kanye worked the refs hard at The Emmys
    Kanye worked the refs hard at The Emmys
    Some of the various outbursts included tackling Alec Baldwin as he accepted his Emmy for 30 Rock, grabbing the mike and screaming, “30 Rock’s funny, no lie, but I’m tellin y’all, Beyoncé’s got one of the best videos ever!”

    A startled Jon Stewart was smacked in the head by the Emmy he’d won as Kanye shouted, “You people aren’t hearing what I’m talking about here– got to check out Beyoncé’s video. It’s the full package, yo!”

    Kristin Chenoweth, who won an Emmy for best supporting actress in a comedy series for Pushing Daisies was pushed aside by Kanye as he grabbed her Emmy and screamed, “We all gotta give every award in the land to Beyoncé for that killer video she made! You feel me, people?”

    And so it went the entire evening as every Emmy Award recipient was knocked over, shoved aside or pushed off stage by Kanye as he made his impassioned pleas that included: “You don’t deserve this award. Beyoncé made that awesome video, man, she deserves this!”
    “We should all sell our worldly possessions and give it all to Beyoncé. She made that video! All hail Beyoncé!”
    “Why you getting this award, punk? You ain’t Beyoncé! She made the greatest video of all time– get outta here!”

    By the end of the ceremony, host Neil Patrick Harris was brushed aside by an exhausted Kanye as he finally collapsed with dozens of tranquilizer darts and taser electrodes protruding from his body. In a last gasp he said, “Y’all got to give it up for Beyoncé, I mean come on, man– she made that amazing videoooo…”

    As usual, it was a very long evening with the Emmy Awards.

  • Hollywood Hubbub

        Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere in Malibu. I wake up, hydraulic pistons inside my head doing a number on my skull– like Keith Moon on an angry expresso bender. My eyes are crusted. Two vultures in a tree look down on me with beady hungry eyes. Seeing me move, they slowly flap their wings and take flight, disgusted.

        It’s a couple days after the Academy Awards after-parties, and this intrepid reporter will do his best to hunt and peck the stories I have seen. The ones I remember, at least. 

    After the after-parties, all you have are the memories you can remember.
    After the after-parties, all you have are the memories you can remember.

        After the Awards Ceremony, I get a ride with Hugh Jackman and Beyonce and we hit Elton John’s party and I’m doing the Mashed Potato with Jennifer Aniston when who walks in but Angelina with Brad, and I’m like, “Jen– ohmygod, I cannot even believe they came here” and she was like “I don’t care, I am so totally over him” and I’m like “well, yeah, but I mean can you even believe she brought him here– maybe he’s still into you after all” and Jen flips her hair and says “whatever” and then Angelina comes by and drops a B-bomb under her breath and Jen just goes ballistic and she’s all over Angie gouging her face and yanking her hair and I see Brad and he’s up at the bar checking out Reese Witherspoon and making moose-shaped hand shadows on the wall for Uma Thurman’s amusement and so I try and break-up the fight and I get clocked by Mickey Rourke who climbs up on the stair railing like’s he’s going to rain a ‘Ram’ down on me and I quickly get to my feet, grab Ron Howard and shove him into Mickey who topples down the stairs and knocks Halle Berry off her feet and then I see Kate Winslet and she’s using her Oscar as a martini stir stick so I grab it and begin brandishing it at Rourke saying “You want some of this, come ‘n get it, loser!” and then out of nowhere Sean Penn steps up with his Oscar in hand and says “Hey, man, Mickey’s my bro, you can’t dis him like that!” and Meryl Streep take a champagne bottle, smashes it on a table, turns the newfound weapon with sharp shards of green glass to Sean and says “Leave Scooter alone, or I will cut you but good!” and Daniel Craig confidently steps in to calm her down and he gets a face full of Meryl’s glassy rage and he’s gushing blood and yelling that she “can’t do that to James Bond!” and she’s dancing around like Ali in his prime, ready to attack any other takers when John Mayer comes by innocently with his guitar and Meryl jabs him hard in the shoulder and down he goes and Danny Boyle decides he’s seen enough of Meryl’s rampage and he begins tossing Oscar after Oscar at the great actress as she dodges them expertly (Rourke’s picking up the Oscars like a greedy fool, giggling) and finally some bouncers come in and break it up and Hugh Jackman picks up Meryl’s broken champagne bottle and duct tapes it to the back of his hand and says “Lookit, everyone, I’m Wolverine, baby!” and he starts doing some crazy soft shoe dance and I’ve had enough and as I’m leaving the party I see Marty Scorsese talking with Steve Spielberg and I tell them, I say,”You know, if there’s one thing I hate it’s a name dropper,” and I leave and the next thing I know I wake up with some vultures are eyeing me for breakfast and up on the hill there’s the ashes of a luxurious estate.

         This here Hollywood’s one rough place.