The Lint Screen

Tag: Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite

  • Pickles Airs Attack Ad

    Pickles says Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite has big plans for American electorate.

    The nonhuman presidential race has turned ugly as lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, has taken to the airwaves to slam a key opponent.

    Witness this recent spot that aired in swing states:

    OPEN ON VIDEO OF HUMAN REMAINS FOLLOWING EARTHQUAKES. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS, A DRAMATIC VOICEOVER IS HEARD.

    ANNCR: Why does Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite want to be president? Could it be it wants to fall on you and your family and crush you all to painful death? Why would Granite want to kill innocent God-loving Americans? The answer is simple.

    CUT TO SCENES OF GRAVE MARKERS IN A CEMETERY.

    Granite is used to make grave markers.

    CUT TO SCENE OF CRYING LITTLE BOY AND GIRL AT A GRAVE MARKER. FREEZE FRAME ON THEIR TEARY FACES.

    Don’t let Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite know your name. Vote for life. Vote for Ms. Pickles.

    CUT TO VIDEO OF MS. PICKLES WEARING A PINK BOW ON HER HEAD. SHE SQUAWKS.

    SUPER: “I’m Ms. Pickles and I approved this ad.”

    FADE TO BLACK.

    Pundits wonder if this hard hitting commercial may give Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite motivation to finally withdraw from the race.

  • Granite Announces It May Consider Thinking About Dropping Out of Race

    Could Big Ol' Slab O' Granite go to work in Georgia?

    The nonhuman presidential race is shaking with the announcement that Big Ol’ Slab O’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire primary, may be thinking about dropping out of the race in the next week or two.

    “Granite is contemplating maybe thinking about the possibility of perhaps dropping out of the race maybe some time in the near future or so,” said a spokesman on the condition of anonymity. “Granite had a sweet sugar daddy backer who was pumping-up his war chest, but it has been informed that the money well is drying up. If Granite does drop out of the race, it would like to see it he could go to work on Stone Mountain, Georgia, or perhaps do some kitchen countertops. Worse case scenario, maybe it would do bathroom countertops, although Granite has always tended to have bigger plans for its future. We’ll have to wait and see.”

  • Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches

    "Hello, citizen, let’s get to know you better!"

    The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

    “I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

    “We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

    “I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

    “I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

    And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”

  • Santy Paws Promises to “Fix” Americans

    Is Santy Paws out to help humans or out for revenge?
    Recently, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire nonhuman presidential primary, came out with a stern social plan proposing a sex registry for human beings. Now, an opposing candidate, a precious puppy named Santy Paws, is going him one better by proposing to get all Americans “fixed” so they do not have to worry about sex.

    In a statement released to reporters earlier today, Santy Paws claimed, “If elected, I will have all human males neutered and all females spayed. There will be no need for contraception and Satan will be less likely to take root in sin-infested loins. My opponent wants to take half measures, but I want to make the nation a safer, less sinful place for all. I will fix America by getting all Americans fixed!”

    A reporter asked Santy Paws spokesperson, Clyde Ruverington, if this proposal was retaliation for the dog being neutered last month. Ruverington angrily replied, “No comment.”

  • Granite Promises Sex Registry

    Will America embrace a sex registry? Granite thinks so!

    With the nonhuman presidential campaign in full swing, candidates are vying for votes wherever they can be found. And the winner of the New Hampshire primary, Big ol’ Slab o’ Granite is making a play for those who believe the moral fabric of America has become unraveled.

    In a statement issued today, Granite promised that if elected it would institute an official ‘National Sex Registry’ cataloging all humans and ‘their Satanic sin zones.’ Humans wishing to engage in sexual relations would be required to produce a marriage certificate, file an official Request for Sexual Relations form and write a 500-word essay on why they feel the need to do their naughty deed. A panel of experts would review the paperwork and determine whether the relations should occur or not. The interested human parties would have to abide by the ruling. Should they be rejected and proceed to engage in unlawful carnal relations, they would face taunting in the public square and imprisonment.

    In the statement, Granite proclaimed, “There is too much government in American lives today. This program uses government resources for the purposes our founding fathers intended: to ensure Americans behave without allowing their hormones to ruin their morality. It’s not more government, it’s government that helps more people live more righteous lives. I’m sure America will embrace this plan when I am elected president.”

  • Ms. Pickles Disavows Super PAC Ads

    Ms. Pickles not sure Santy Paws wants to kill children.
    Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In.

    Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant.

    “As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let me say that I do not know for a fact that IBM’s Watson computer loved to help Bin Laden play Jeopardy. I’m also not sure Santy Paws wants to kill the first born of every American family, nor am I positive that bag of Fritos wishes death upon American infidels who do not praise Allah. I also am not certain Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite wishes to raise taxes to 99% and legalize heroin. I ask my Super PAC to please check these commercials for accuracy and if they are not correct, try to take them off the airwaves in the next year or so in the interest of fairness.”