The Lint Screen

Tag: church

  • Georgia Passes Law Putting Churches in Gun Stores

    Let us pray, then reload.
    Let us pray, then reload. Amen

    The Georgia state legislature has passed a groundbreaking law requiring all gun stores to offer religious services.

    Rep. Phil Muffordy of Rome, Georgia explained his thinking behind the law passed today. “We were going to pass a law allowing guns in church, but I thought, why not shoot two birds with one bullet? Let’s just put the dang church in the gun store so you can worship while re-loading. Makes sense, doesn’t it? And since there’ll be armed folks ushering, I’m sure the take in the collection plates will be plentiful. My law’s proof God didn’t give us big brains for nothing.”

    When asked what denomination the churches would be, Muffordy pulled a Glock and pointed it at this reporter’s head. Then he slowly asked, “What kind of stupid question is that, boy–– you Al-Qaeda, or something?!”

    This reporter wet himself, cried and prayed.

  • God & Guns

    A gun offers protection and makes a dandy bookmark.
    In Georgia, like many states, we seek protection against the devil and his kin.

    So, I’m happy to report we recently passed laws to make it legal to take your firearms with you to church. This means you can keep your sidearm close at hand as you rifle through the Good Book.

    It’s about time.

    Some say places of worship should be quiet, contemplative and peace-loving, but that’s just the way Satan likes to bait his hook. You’re sitting there with hands folded in prayer and SHAZAM, here comes some nutcase with an AK-47 who wants to kill everyone because his 8-track player broke while he was listening to Black Oak Arkansas or he thinks Glenn Beck told him to extract justice any way he sees fit. Well, Churchie McPeacie, there you are–– an easy target. You’re a sitting duck in a pew about to be bullet fodder!

    But if you’re packing heat, you can take that evil-filled varmint down toot-sweet and get back to asking God to go easy on the sixth commandment because it was self defense, after all. While you’re at it, you might ask if He’d givith you a few number tips for the PowerBall lottery, or some pony picks in an upcoming race.

    Pass the collection plate and pass the ammo, Sister!
    Guns in places of worship make perfect sense in these crazy times. But please, remember that silence is golden and also remember the golden rule.

    Kindly refrain from firing your guns into the ceiling when services are complete. It sends a bad signal.

  • Monkeys Are Making Monkeys Of Us

     

    Is it a real cop, or an imposter? (Look closely)
    Is it a real cop, or an impostor? (Look closely)

         They think they’re so smart, and maybe they are, but monkeys are often discovered posing as authority figures endangering life as we know it here on this planet many of us call “home.”

         Imagine being wheeled into the operating room and your last vision before drifting off to slumberville is a monkey behind a surgical mask, his clumsy fingers fumbling about the razor sharp scalpels on the surgical tray.

         Or picture yourself taking your favorite suit into the tailor shop for alterations, and the guy measuring your inseam suddenly begins throwing angry hairy-armed haymakers into your unsuspecting crotch.

         What if you were in church and the collection basket came your way and you noticed it was filled with banana peels–– then you see your pew consists of monkeys in their Sunday best! Holy is the moly!

         We must all be ever vigilant in unmasking these impostors and bringing them to public attention. If we do not, I fear our very fabric of life will unravel like some sort of unraveling thingy.