C. Daniel Wisterdom will be entering Middlebury College next week, and is already threatening lawsuits against this respected Vermont liberal arts mecca, The Lint Screen has learned from hanging out in the quad.
“I am very concerned Middlebury may book a so-called edgy comedian,” said the rising freshman majoring in Humanity Theoretical Studies, “and I will not stand to have someone brandish microaggressions against minorities, or belittle social norms, gender identification or airline cuisine.”
University officials have assured Mr. Wisterdom they have no intention of booking a controversial funny person. “It would be unconscionable for us to expose our student body to different ways of thinking that extract humor from the pain of others,” said Robert Posey, Director of Chill. “To that end, we have banned TV channels on our cable system that we believe might incite panic and anxiety among our student body, who we believe are this nation’s most valuable assets.”
Mr. Wisterdom is not confident and will be watching carefully. “If I come across the broadcasting of a cartoon where a coyote threatens the very existence of a road runner, or a sailor partakes of tobacco and the nutritional benefits of spinach to bully another, I will slap Middlebury with a lawsuit that will knock them into the nineteenth century! I have my father’s law firm on speed dial.”
With that, Mr. Wisterdom resumed curling into the fetal position and sucking his thumb.