The Lint Screen

Tag: Congress

  • Congress Votes Itself Huge Raise And Other Perks

    Congressional members dealt themselves a winning hand–– immunity from laws of the land!

    After yesterday’s Congressional embarrassment of flip-flopping on trying to shut down the ethics committee keeping a watchful eye on itself, lawmakers made a bold, decisive move and passed historic legislation this morning.

    The majority voted itself some sweet new perks, including a salary increase of $10-million per member with full salary paid post retirement, and immunity from any laws. Plus, free Amazon Prime membership for life, a set of front-loading Kenmore Elite washer and dryer, a $10,000 Starbucks gift card, and a sharpened machete and Uzi “to keep the stinking masses at bay.”

    “I think we got what we deserved,” Rep. Frank Tumplake of Nevada told The Lint Screen. “We’re going to be working awfully hard on behalf of our constituents for the next two grueling years, and I believe they’d want us to feel valued and fairly compensated for our efforts.”

    Rep. Larry Puppetstrings of Arkansas agrees. “We are dedicated lawmakers and as such, we should be exempt from standing laws. These prohibitive measures will put a crimp on our ability to act in the best interests of the people. How can we protect their rights if we have no rights of our own because a bunch of restrictive laws get in the way of us doing our jobs? It’s imperative we operate above the law!”

    The Congressional legislation, known as the “Let’s Get It While We Can And No One’s Looking” bill, easily passed on its first ballot.

  • Pelosi Knocks Boehner on Noggin, Makes HIm Cry

    That mean ol’ Nancy Pelosi gave Johnny Boehner what-for!
    Newly installed Speaker of The House, John Boehner, cried like a little girl after being walloped on his noodle by outgoing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

    The outgoing Speaker traditionally passes the gavel to the incoming Speaker, but yesterday it was spiced with Three Stooges-like antics.

    Ms. Pelosi motioned as if to calmly pass the gavel to Mr. Boehner, then suddenly poked two fingers in his eyes and walloped him on the skull with the comically-large wooden mallet. She blurted out a Curley Howard “Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk”, dropped to the ground and began running in place as she rotated her body in a circle.

    Mr. Boehner, taken completely by surprise, began sobbing uncontrollably.

    “Oh, it were somethin’,” said an old coot House Representative. “I been ’round these parts longer than skunks had stink, but I ain’t never seen nothing like what that trickster Pelosi did to that cryboy Boehner. She gave him what-for but good, she did,” said the politico as he danced a jaunty little jig. “This new Congress is goin’ to be awful entertainin’, I reckon,” he said as he spat some tobacky into a nearby spittoon.