The Lint Screen

Tag: Dan Gruthers

  • Pickles Demands Paws End His War on Christmas

    Is Santy Paws waging war on Christmas? Ms. Pickles thinks so!
    The juggernaut presidential campaign for lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, is Planet of The Apes-angry at opposing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws.

    Dan Gruthers, campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said today that Santy Paws was leading the “Satanic evil war on Christmas.”

    “Frankly, we believe all Americans should be outraged by this brazen attack by an atheistic canine,” Mr. Gruthers told reporters. “Heck, we just reaffirmed ‘In God We Trust’ as our nation’s official slogan. If Santy Paws is elected, he may try to change that and we’d all need new folding money!”

    Mr. Gruthers contends that Santy Paws is named after “an obese guy who hung around little kids, which is pretty darn creepy” and “he would break into their homes late at night.” Gruthers believes that “if the miserable mutt loved Christmas, it would have been named ‘Christmas Joy’ or something else to celebrate the birth of our Lord.”

    The campaign manager was visibly distraught. “I don’t know how we can allow this ravenous, God-hating cur to rob of us our most treasured holiday. I hope the voters do the right thing and smack him on the nose come voting day!”

  • Pickles Claims Paws Defiled Fire Hydrant

    Did Santy Paws leave a special present here?
    A new political firestorm is sweeping the nation as the campaign for lovable money, Ms. Pickles, accused competing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws, of urinating on a fire hydrant in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

    “It is absolutely outrageous that a creature capable of such a disgusting, despicable act is seeking the highest office in the land,” said a visibly upset Dan Gruthers, campaign manager for Ms. Pickles. “We’ve seen this candidate eat a competitor at a debate, now we’re witness to his brazen acts of bodily functions against our sainted firefighters–– it is an affront to the American way of civilized life! We cannot live in a country where our leaders leave liquid reminders of where they’ve been.”

    “Tell the Pickles people to get their panties unknotted,” said Santy Paws campaign manager, Sam Merchant. “These claims are completely baseless and are obviously the attempt of a frightened competitor to bloody the nose of a far superior fighter. Santy Paws categorically denies ever having known or visited the fire hydrant in question. Now see here, if Pickles wants to play hard ball, we’ll play hard ball with that lice-ridden little ape. We ain’t saying bupkis on this matter no more!”

  • Non-Human Candidates To Debate

    The non-humans will square-off in upcoming historic debate
    Try as they may, Santy Paws, the adorable puppy, Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey and Carl The Chameleon, the colorful lizard, cannot get the same media attention granted human presidential candidates. And since the humans are having 1,238 televised debates that they are not allowing non-human candidates to compete in, the ‘critter crew’ is creating its own debate that will be carried Tuesday night on Animal Planet.

    Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said that obviously humans were afraid on the new presidential candidates. “If we keep sending humans to The White House, we’re going to keep getting the same results. It’s time we shook things up. I can promise America all kinds of memorable hijinks if the electorate sends Ms. Pickles to the oval office. Why, just imagine the kooky mayhem of having a monkey in the most powerful seat in the land!” said Gruthers doubling over with laughter.

    Sam Merchant, campaign manager for Santy Paws promised a debate with lots of fireworks. “Santy make look cute, but you’re going to see a vicious killer. The leader America needs in these dangerous times where we could all go up in a mushroom cloud at any moment.”

    Sandy Oceans, campaign manager for Carl The Chameleon is confident his candidate will do well in the upcoming debate. “My guy is nothing if not adaptable.”

    The Lint Screen will report from the debate because it’s just that kind of a dedicated news organization.

  • Lovable Monkey Enters Race

    Ms. Pickles enters the presidential political fray, and a nation swoons!
    Just when America thought it was a two horse presidential race between a puppy and a kitten, a new candidate aims to make monkeys out of both–– a lovable precious precocious primate named Ms. Pickles!

    Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles spoke to reporters outside his Tempe, Arizona home. “I think that little puppy and kitten-cat are pretty cute, but I worry about having a president with paws who has the power to nuke our planet to smithereens. What if that paw slips? We couldn’t launch a nuclear attack and evildoers would know that so they’d bully us with verbal wedgies and what-have-yous. Are we going to be a nation of wusses? No! What America needs is a creature like a human but without human faults. And Ms. Pickles, why she’s real human-like, what with her two arms, two legs and a face that melts your heart like butter in a microwave. This country needs a feminine touch on the nuclear launch button, and Ms. Pickles is ready to protect, serve and prepare a mushroom cloud omelette of destruction if need be!”

    Ms. Pickles then came out and clapped her hands as reporters swooned. Mr. Gruthers tossed Ms. Pickles a grape, which she caught in her mouth. She then did a back flip and moonwalked. The reporters applauded loudly and cheered.

    As the presidential race heats up, there was no response from other declared candidates.