The Lint Screen

Tag: Edward Snowden

  • Punxsutawney Phil Refuses to Show

    Punxsutawney Phil fears for his life, say he'll am-scray!
    Punxsutawney Phil fears for his life, say he’ll am-scray!

    Tomorrow is Groundhog Day, and the guest of honor has said he won’t show.

    Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who the world watches every February 2nd, has issued a press release stating he won’t cast a shadow (or not) tomorrow morning. “Look, I’m not an idiot,” the marmot’s release states, “I’ve read about all these drone attacks. I’m not about to be a target.”

    A doctor close to the famous groundhog said that he has been suffering panic attacks lately and fears for his life.

    Punxsutawney Phil goes on to state, “I see what happens to guys who live in caves. I read how Edward Snowden has to hide. Why of Earth should I show myself and attract attention? No thanks. Want to know the forecast? You bastards can watch the locals on the 8’s on The Weather Channel like everyone else. This furry fella’s outta here!”

    Will he show or will he surface on WikiLeaks casting tall shadows? Time will tell.

  • “Snowden Must Go!” Says Russian Shop Owner

    Home sweet home, but for how long?
    Home sweet home, but for how long?

    National Security Agency leaker Edward Snowden is a man without a country, and a man without many fans at the Moscow Airport he has been holed-up in for weeks now.

    “The guy’s a bum,” said Aleksey Tangomir who operates a newsstand at the airport. “Every day he comes by here stinking like a dead sewer rat who doesn’t use deodorant. He thumbs through the magazines and plays with the souvenir Putin stuffed dolls or the secret police keychains with the retractable 6″ serrated blade and pop-up Makarov pistol, but the cheap bastard never buys anything. I’m sick of him. Yankee go home!”

    Nikodim Driscoll, manages the chain restaurant Borscht-A-Teria in the airport. He wants Snowden out. “He comes around here saying he will swap secrets for Borscht. Wants to tell me how American big brother is watching Americans. Who cares? My big brother works for KGB, I know he watches us. My sister was disappeared last year! I tell Snowden, ‘No borscht for you!’ but he never laughs. Must not be a Seinfeld fan. Who needs him?”