The Lint Screen

Tag: Farmville

  • Woman Goes Totally Berserk After Candy Crush Dis

    Her alleged "friends" disappointed Sandy Minkertom greatly
    Her alleged “friends” disappointed Sandy Minkertom greatly

    Sandy Minkertom is mad, and you don’t want that!

    The 36-year old Philadelphia insurance broker recently took drastic violent action by de-friending 812 people on Facebook after they did not accept her invitation to play the popular game Candy Crush.

    “I couldn’t believe it,” said the upset Candy Crusher. “Here I was being a great friend and inviting them to share in my total passion, and my kindness was ignored.”

    Before she took her extreme action, she made the following post on Facebook: “To all my so called ‘friends’–– who the hell do you think you are?! I invited you to play the absolute most fun game ever–– CANDY CRUSH–– and you not only didn’t take me up on my kind offer, you rubbed your legs together and made cricket noises in my face! UNBELIEVABLE!!! Well, I’ve had it up to here with all of you. I hate you! You are ALL now my enemies! I have half a mind to get an AK-47 and shoot you, and I’m sure the courts would support my actions! GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE YOU AWFUL PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!”

    Then, she methodically de-friended 812 of her 813 friends “with extreme prejudice”, keeping her “friend” relationship with her Aunt Midge.

    “Midge and I have an awesome CC tournament underway, and it’s a hoot,” Ms. Minkertom told The Lint Screen. “We also play Farmville and harvest bushels of fun together. It’s a blast!”

    Mark Zuckerberg and other Facebook officials could not be reached for comment.

  • Farmville Slaughter Suspect Released

    Innocent– for now!
    The suspect taken into custody by Farmville authorities on Friday was released this morning.

    In a prepared statement, Farmville Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton said “The suspect hired a shiny-suited attorney who made the case for an alleged airtight alibi. I wasn’t buying it, but apparently the gullible judge was so stupid, he took the bait. Now the jailbird flies free!”

    The alibi is that the suspect, Randy McNurty, lives in Second Life and has been involved with a performance art project whereby he is observed by others as he goes through the routine and drudgery of his second life. McNurty’s project has been surprisingly popular with thousands of avatars viewing his ‘life performance’ regularly on TV and are willing to vouch for the fact that the performance artist has not been in Farmville in the past year, when medical examiners determined the mass killing of 246 people took place. The horrendous gravesite was discovered in Farmville on March 3rd.

    McNurty was quickly shuttled from the jail into a waiting limousine. His face was bleeding and severely bruised. Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton said McNurty was probably clumsy and must have slipped and fell repeatedly during his stay at the Farmville crossbar hotel. The Chief was asked if authorities had any new leads or suspects in the case. “Yes,” he said gruffly, “anybody and everybody!” He walked away briskly discharging his gun into the air.

    One happy byproduct of the tragedy is that the gravesite soil is rich in nutrients thanks to the decomposition of Farmville characters. Residents say the mass gravesite will be fertile ground for any crops and thus prime real estate for the upcoming planting season.

  • Suspect Nabbed in Farmville Case

    Did evil lurk along this hallway? Authorities wonder.
    The Lint Screen has learned that authorities have apprehended a suspect in the gruesome killings of 246 people in the quiet social gaming community of Farmville.

    The unnamed suspect had been staying at a Deep Discounter Inn in the nearby town of Shadyville. In an early morning raid Friday, the suspect was taken into custody after having been given a thorough police beating and a good talking-to.

    Farmville Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton refused commenting on the case against the suspect except to say that “he could take a punch” and “he seems pretty guilty to me.”

    “The no goodnik has lawyered-up, which means he’s probably guilty as sin,” said Chief Weatherton as he iced-down his fists. “We think we’ve definitely got our man. We can’t be spending all our time looking for a killer. We want to shut this case as quickly as we can and get back to farming and earning farm coins. This is an open and shut case as far as I’m concerned. If we have to slap the scales of justice upside his head to get a confession, we will.”

  • Mass Gravesite Found In Farmville

    246 bodies found in Farmville’s ghastly gravesite. The community is shaken, hungry and nervous!
    The social network gaming community is devastated by the tragic news that a horrific gravesite containing 246 bodies has been discovered in the peaceful and cooperative community of Farmville.

    “It’s the worst thing anyone here could imagine” said Farmville Mayor, Winslow “Winky-Dinky” Spitoomber. “Murder really isn’t part of our social fabric. We’re usually a very peaceful, helpful community looking to build together with a common purpose. Now that this awful event has happened, we’re probably going to have some trouble attracting visitors. The value of farm coins could plummet and we may be headed toward a death spiral. But we still have one of the best climates on the internet.”

    Medical examiners report the bodies had been hung, bludgeoned by blunt objects, shot, had their throats slit, axed to death and run over by a tractor. Police have identified most of the bodies as “migrant workers, drifters, sidewinders, short order cooks, human resources professionals, hair care stylists, insurance salespeople and dental technicians.”

    “At this time,” reported Police Chief Maxwell “Hurly Burly” Weatherton, “we have no suspect, but lots of hunches and twitchy feelings. We believe the person or persons who did these gruesome acts is not normal and may have some anger management issues. In my professional opinion, it’s a pickle. A true blue pickle of a pickle!”