The Lint Screen

Tag: Halliburton

  • Citizens to be Issued Disguises

    The new face of America will be hard to recognize.
    The political grandstanding in Washington has resulted in a game of chicken with neither side blinking and our foreign creditors looming outside our door twirling their handlebar mustaches and laughing evilly. But citizens, do not think Washington is broken!

    In a bold and decisive move, both the House and Senate have unanimously approved a bill that would purchase an ingenious disguise for every American to wear after we miss our debt payments and have to go into what economists call “severe deadbeat status.”

    “It’s a plan that everyone on the Hill likes because we don’t have to raise taxes, close tax loopholes, cut any spending or do anything that will cost us political capital,” said an anonymous House Representative. “When our creditors come looking for us to get their money, every American can simply shrug and say we don’t know where all the Americans went– we’re new in this country. It’s foolproof really. The only fly in the Vaseline is how we’re going to raise the money needed for 311,884,965 fake glasses and mustaches. Fortunately, we’ve been able to secure a special government discount on these for only $42.35 each from a subsidiary of Halliburton. We’ll find the money, I’m sure!”

  • U.S. To Be Billed For Oil Spill

    No more free oil, America, but you can enjoy unbelievable 50% savings! Fill ‘er up!
    BP, Halliburton and Transocean, the three companies responsible for construction of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig that exploded on April 20 and has been leaking millions of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico since, have decided enough is enough. They are billing the U.S. Government for potential income lost as a result of the accident.

    “We are sick and tired of everyone playing the ‘blame game’ with us,” said an anonymous legal spokesperson for the three companies. “The fact of the matter is we are losing a fortune in potential revenue because this unfortunate incident occurred, not far from the United States. Since the oil will eventually wash ashore to the U.S. mainland, we believe we are entitled to fair compensation. Let’s face it, savvy individuals will most certainly collect the crude oil and refine it at home. Essentially, it’s like BP, Halliburton and Transocean are giving America free gasoline! We can’t possibly do that, we’d go out of business.”

    The spokesperson stressed that the companies have agreed to give the government a substantial quantity discount for the oil.

    “Our invoice to the government for the Deepwater Horizon boo-boo reflects a substantial 50% discount on the current market value price for a barrel of crude oil. We believe this discount shows our serious commitment to enhancing the quality of life for all Americans–– a plucky lot who enjoy good do-it-yourself projects like making your own gasoline.”

    When asked if the spokesperson was serious, he said, “Absolutely. You’re welcome, America. Our little accident is your good fortune. Enjoy!”