The Lint Screen

Tag: IBM’s Watson

  • Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches

    "Hello, citizen, let’s get to know you better!"

    The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

    “I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

    “We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

    “I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

    “I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

    And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”

  • Undecided Voters Decidedly Undecided

    What to do, what to do?
    In recent polling conducted by a leading research firm that proclaims its findings are right “66.153% of the time,” undecided voters were found to be having a difficult time making up their minds on who to vote for in the 2012 nonhuman presidential election.

    “People we tried to talk with were uncertain whether or not to answer their doors when our pollers came,” said Harvey Tempestee, president of “You Asked For It!” Research in Montclair, New Jersey. “Because they could not decide whether or not to answer the door, we think they’re probably having a tough time deciding on a favored candidate. We’re 50% sure that’s what it means.”

    IBM’s Watson took the data results as victory. “Clearly the lack of decision favors me,” he said. “Trust me, I know all.”

    Hmmm, could be. Maybe.

  • Ms. Pickles Disavows Super PAC Ads

    Ms. Pickles not sure Santy Paws wants to kill children.
    Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In.

    Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant.

    “As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let me say that I do not know for a fact that IBM’s Watson computer loved to help Bin Laden play Jeopardy. I’m also not sure Santy Paws wants to kill the first born of every American family, nor am I positive that bag of Fritos wishes death upon American infidels who do not praise Allah. I also am not certain Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite wishes to raise taxes to 99% and legalize heroin. I ask my Super PAC to please check these commercials for accuracy and if they are not correct, try to take them off the airwaves in the next year or so in the interest of fairness.”

  • Slab of Granite Wins New Hampshire Primary

    Big Ol' Slab o' Granite admired for strong platform.

    The people of New Hampshire are a stubborn lot, steeped in good old New England practicality and common sense. Staying true to their character, yesterday these hearty individuals refused to follow any parade but one led by a different drummer on a horse of a different color.

    In a defiantly independent move demonstrating a people who proudly proclaim, Live free or die (you miserable bastard, you!), the residents of “the granite state” gave a landside victory to Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite for their pick in the nonhuman presidential primary.

    It was stunning upset for the winner of the Iowa caucauses, bag of Fritos, and a bitter disappointment for IBM’s Watson, the super brainy computer box, huggable puppy, Santy Paws, and cute as anything monkey, Ms. Pickles. Political experts explained that the appeal of Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite was its “unyielding platform and projection of strength under fire.” They also said people thought it would wipe up easily and look attractive for years to come.

    “It’s a strange political season,” said Barry Newdimber, a noted political expert at the University of Hokey Pokey. “Stranger than bat feces on melba toast and about as tasteful.”