In a startling development, a mysterious white knight has come forward with a proposal to rescue the United States economy from the flushing swirly bowl.
The mysterious man goes by the name “Bernie M. Adoff” and has contacted government officials with what he describes as “a foolproof plan to earn 20% annually on your money, easy as pie, with no worries, headaches or hassles”… “just give me your money and watch it grow, GRow, GROW!!!”
The magical money multiplier says he has a “proven track record of making fortunes literally overnight.” In a two-page letter sent to President Barack Obama, the self-proclaimed economic recovery hero claims “and putting your money with me is safer than putting it in the bank because I don’t need a stinking bailout to pay you back!”
In his letter, the man requests the government deliver the money (reportedly $2.4 trillion) to a federal prison address. “I’ll pay the government back a very, VERY handsome return over the next few years… up to 150 years. I’m in no hurry, your honor, I’ve got plenty of time to make the U.S. rich again.”
Government officials refused comment on whether the proposal is being considered.