nonhuman presidential campaign

Bag o’ Fritos Eaten, Out of Race!

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Tragedy struck the nonhuman presidential campaign today as the winner of the Iowa primaries, Bag o’ Fritos, was eaten to death. The salty snack was scheduled to give a speech in Akron, Ohio, when a young man rushed the stage, ripped open the candidate’s skin and quickly ate his deliciously addictive innerds. The assasin was … Read more

Pickles Accuses Paws of Genocide

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Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey candidate in the nonhuman presidential race, has come out with a vicious attack against one of her opponents, precious puppy, Santy Paws. A spokesman for the Pickles campaign, C. Hurley Everett Mungswallow, IV, told reporters, “Ms. Pickles is outraged and deeply disappointed that Santy Paws, allegedly ‘man’s best friend,’ wants … Read more