The Lint Screen

Tag: nonhuman presidential candidates

  • Money Floodgates Ready To Bust

    Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger’s big money is about to come raining down this election season.

    The Supreme Court’s “Citizens United” ruling treated corporations, unions and nonprofits as humans, giving them political voice through the formation of Super PACS to spend money on political advertising. A flood of Super PAC money is about to wash into the nonhuman presidential campaign, The Lint Screen has learned today in the back corner of a dingy bar reeking of stale beer and aged vomit.

    “Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservative couple who own ALLIED ACME Industries, are reviewing all the nonhuman candidates to determine who they want to back with their Super PAC, ‘Citizens For A Decent, Celibate And Righteously Moral Future’,” said an industry insider in conspiratorial whispers. “They are sitting on a ton of cash and they have deep pockets to make anyone win.”

    The industry insider excused himself to go to the bathroom and The Lint Screen reporter upheld the high journalistic tradition of slipping out the front door before the bar bill arrived.

  • Undecided Voters Decidedly Undecided

    What to do, what to do?
    In recent polling conducted by a leading research firm that proclaims its findings are right “66.153% of the time,” undecided voters were found to be having a difficult time making up their minds on who to vote for in the 2012 nonhuman presidential election.

    “People we tried to talk with were uncertain whether or not to answer their doors when our pollers came,” said Harvey Tempestee, president of “You Asked For It!” Research in Montclair, New Jersey. “Because they could not decide whether or not to answer the door, we think they’re probably having a tough time deciding on a favored candidate. We’re 50% sure that’s what it means.”

    IBM’s Watson took the data results as victory. “Clearly the lack of decision favors me,” he said. “Trust me, I know all.”

    Hmmm, could be. Maybe.