The Lint Screen

Tag: nonhuman presidential race

  • Granite Shatters Own Political Dreams

    Granite to exit politics to pursue career in commercial direction.

    As expected, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the New Hampshire primary winner in the nonhuman presidential race, has announced that it is withdrawing from consideration. The candidate announced weeks ago that it was considering thinking about maybe possibly withdrawing from the race. Granite was also recently the target of a savage attack ad created by the campaign for Ms. Pickles, a lovable monkey with very sharp teeth and a vicious competitive streak.

    In its statement, Granite said, “I believe the time has come to pursue my true purpose in life– directing TV commercials. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. Well, that, or driving a horse carriage through central park. Or, working the counter of a high end soda fountain. It’s time for me to wake up from my presidential dreams, rinse away the morning breath and get on with my life. I think this commercial directing thing is just the ticket, there appears to be a severe shortage of them out there.”

    No response was given by the Ms. Pickles political camp, but cackle barks, howls and screeches of joy were heard from behind closed doors.

  • Granite Announces It May Consider Thinking About Dropping Out of Race

    Could Big Ol' Slab O' Granite go to work in Georgia?

    The nonhuman presidential race is shaking with the announcement that Big Ol’ Slab O’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire primary, may be thinking about dropping out of the race in the next week or two.

    “Granite is contemplating maybe thinking about the possibility of perhaps dropping out of the race maybe some time in the near future or so,” said a spokesman on the condition of anonymity. “Granite had a sweet sugar daddy backer who was pumping-up his war chest, but it has been informed that the money well is drying up. If Granite does drop out of the race, it would like to see it he could go to work on Stone Mountain, Georgia, or perhaps do some kitchen countertops. Worse case scenario, maybe it would do bathroom countertops, although Granite has always tended to have bigger plans for its future. We’ll have to wait and see.”

  • Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches

    "Hello, citizen, let’s get to know you better!"

    The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

    “I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

    “We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

    “I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

    “I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

    And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”

  • Granite Promises Sex Registry

    Will America embrace a sex registry? Granite thinks so!

    With the nonhuman presidential campaign in full swing, candidates are vying for votes wherever they can be found. And the winner of the New Hampshire primary, Big ol’ Slab o’ Granite is making a play for those who believe the moral fabric of America has become unraveled.

    In a statement issued today, Granite promised that if elected it would institute an official ‘National Sex Registry’ cataloging all humans and ‘their Satanic sin zones.’ Humans wishing to engage in sexual relations would be required to produce a marriage certificate, file an official Request for Sexual Relations form and write a 500-word essay on why they feel the need to do their naughty deed. A panel of experts would review the paperwork and determine whether the relations should occur or not. The interested human parties would have to abide by the ruling. Should they be rejected and proceed to engage in unlawful carnal relations, they would face taunting in the public square and imprisonment.

    In the statement, Granite proclaimed, “There is too much government in American lives today. This program uses government resources for the purposes our founding fathers intended: to ensure Americans behave without allowing their hormones to ruin their morality. It’s not more government, it’s government that helps more people live more righteous lives. I’m sure America will embrace this plan when I am elected president.”