The Lint Screen

Tag: NRA

  • NRA Excited about Active Thanksgiving Weekend

    “Want to pass that gravy, punk!”

    Our forefathers knew their stuff when they gave citizens “the right to bear arms”, especially during Thanksgiving season.

    The NRA has launched a new ad campaign with the theme, “Shut that snowflake up!”

    In the TV spot, the scene opens on a traditional family gathering. We see a dozen people gathered around a large table loaded with roast turkey and all the trimmings. As the family finishes their prayer of thanks, the father at the end of the table begins carving the big bird.

    DAD: Honey, it all looks and smells incredible!
    MOM: Thank you, dear.
    UNCLE: Tell you one thing, Obama could never make America great again. He was too busy ruining the country!
    DAD: Now, Hank, Obama did do some good things––
    UNCLE: Like what? Help Kenya, his homeland?
    DAD: Hank, you know that was a false allegation––
    UNCLE: Obama’s a terrorist, related to bin Laden, and he destroyed our country from the inside. And Hillary gave Russia all our uranium bombs! I say, lock her up!
    DAD: Please, Hank, let’s not talk politics this year––
    UNCLE: Oh, so now you want to restrict my right to free speech! What’s next, Gary, you going to take my guns away?!
    CUT TO FATHER’S ANXIOUS FACE.
    DAD: No, I just…
    CUT TO SHOT UNDER THE TABLE WHERE WE SEE HANK’S HAND HOLDING A GLOCK 19. HE MOVES HIS FINGER ON TO THE TRIGGER.
    CUT TO CLOSE UP OF UNCLE HANK’S ANGRY FACE. FREEZE FRAME. TYPE CRAWLS UP SCREEN AS A BARITONE ANNOUNCER READS.
    ANNCR: This Thanksgiving, give thanks for living a country where speech is free… and you have the right to protect yourself and enforce your God-given opinions. Don’t let liberals ruin your holidays.
    CUT TO SHOT OF A TURKEY DINNER TABLE SET WITH FIREARMS.
    SUPER TITLE: “Shut that snowflake up!”
    ANNCR: Come hungry, and come armed. Always be prepared to shut that snowflake up!

    FADE TO BLACK.

    Happy Thanksgiving, all!

  • NRA Supports Citizen Rights To Bear Nuclear Arms

    Wayne LaPierre preaches to the heavily armed choir.

    In the aftermath of the Las Vegas tragedy, the National Rifle Association is proposing a solution–– more arms, and more firepower!

    Yesterday, Wayne LaPierre, Jr., Exec. V.P. of the NRA addressed a national convention of members and said the recent mass murder could have easily been avoided.

    “When you have a bad guy with a stockpile of high-powered weapons and ammo, you need some serious firepower,” LaPierre told the capacity crowd. “You can’t bring a handgun to a semiautomatic rifle modified to fire like an automatic weapon fight. That’s just common sense, people! Any idiot knows that.”

    LaPierre told his assembly the problem is restrictive guns laws in the United States. “We need the right to bear nuclear arms. It’s what our forefathers would want. Had people in Vegas had some nuclear bombs, they could have easily neutralized the bad guy in no time flat!”

    The crowd cheered as LaPierre continued.

    “Our weak-kneed politicians need to stand up for our sacred second amendment rights. It’s outrageous that we’re allowing unconstitutional laws to inhibit our right to bear arms–– ALL arms, including nuclear ones. How are you supposed to protect yourself if little rocket man breaks into your house? Write and call your politicians today and demand your God-given rights! We can do this, it’s the logical thing to do.”

    In celebration, the crowd raised their handguns into the air and fired them as the reporter from The Lint Screen ran away screaming.