Civility will be assured with electric shock collars.
After numerous complaints of poor behavior during this campaign season, the League of Women Voters has decided that presidential candidates must wear electric shock collars in future debates.
“We’ve seen Hillary and Donald square off, and it was ugly,” said Emily Tortsover, the head of the debate organizing committee told The Lint Screen. “And last night, we witnessed the Tim and Mike show. It was an awful affair and their behavior was completely unacceptable. We’ve tried rewarding candidates with treats for good behavior, but that doesn’t seem to work. Something had to be done, and electric collars are the natural solution.”
For Sunday’s presidential debate, Ms. Clinton and Mr. Trump will be outfitted with heavy duty electric neck collars. “We can issue up to 50,000 watts if anyone gets too out of hand,” said Ms. Tortsover. “We hope we won’t have to go to that extreme, but we have a bank of generators just in case. We really don’t want to tax the power grid if things get ugly again.”
In last night’s second Presidential Debate, a group of 80 undecided voters gathered in a town hall setting at Hofstra University. They came with questions for President Barack Obama and G.O.P. challenger Mitt Romney. Many questions were asked and answered– or used as tees for well-rehearsed talking points. But what of the questions left un-asked? The Lint Screen has unearthed some of those by using the time-honored investigative journalistic technique of rooting through the trash following the debate (and eating perfectly good food some idiot threw away). Here are some of the questions we found written on crumpled scraps of paper thrown in the trash.
“Have either of you seen any good movies lately, and if so, what would you recommend as a good date movie? I’m into action adventure but my girlfriend likes romantic comedies. I should mention that she doesn’t think Adam Sandler is funny. Have any picks for me?”
“Exactly how much do you guys hate each other?”
“Sometimes I have trouble sleeping at night. Do you have any plans for how to keep the underside of my pillow cooler?”
“I like to laugh. Would each of you tell me a funny joke or anecdote?”
“Two trains leave Chicago for San Francisco. If train A is going 70 miles an hour and Train B is going 90 miles an hour, that’s pathetic. Why can’t America have a high speed rail system like so many other industrialized countries?”
“What is your all-time favorite sandwich? And please, no vegetarian answers.”
“My husband never shares his feelings. What is it with you men anyway?”
“Your first names, ‘Barack’ and ‘Mitt’ are awfully funny-sounding. If elected, would you change your first name to something more American like ‘Duke’ or ‘Butch’ or ‘Skeeter’ or something?
“Who was your favorite Beatle? And why?”
“I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. What is it? Guess correctly, and you’ve won my vote. It’s that easy, fellas.”
“Do you love America? I mean really, really love America? And if so, why don’t you just marry it?”
Around the world, people watched non-humans debate. Last night, Dr. John Doolittle moderated the first ever presidential debate with exclusively non-human candidates, and the broadcast which aired on Animal Planet attracted viewership numbers to rival Dancing With The Stars or American Idol.
The debate panel consisted of adorable puppy, Santy Paws, lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, and colorful character,Carl The Chameleon. Because of moderator Dr. Doolittle’s amazing ability “to talk to the animals,” there was no need for translators and all points of view of the candidates were heard loud and clear.
The non-human debate highlights included:
+ Carl The Chameleon said that God asked him to run for the presidency. “But I didn’t hear His voice,” said the small lizard, “I received a text message from Him.”
+ Santy Paws claimed that God talked to him all the time and texted him frequently. He also said that if he was elected president, “All good little boys and girls will get tax breaks and entitlement programs out the wazoo.”
+ Carl The Chameleon said that whatever Santy Paws promises in tax cuts and entitlements, he will double and perhaps even triple them. “Because I think Americans deserve the best and then even better!”
+ Ms. Pickles said that she was a more evolved species than either of her opponents and thus a better choice to lead the nation. “But I do not think evolution should be taught in schools,” she said earnestly. “It is just a cockamamee theory, after all.”
+ Carl The Chameleon said that he is not worried about climate change. “Excruciating tropical heat doesn’t bother me in the least. Feels pretty darn good, actually,” he said.
+ Santy Paws said if elected he would “lick every American’s face with my warm tongue. And it’s a little scratchy so it tickles, people! You’re going to love my licks o’ love!”
+ Carl The Chameleon said he would use his “long tongue of justice” to rid the nation of mosquitos and other pesky flying insects.
+ Ms. Pickles said she would use drones to address the flying insect terrorism problem.
+ Santy Paws said he believed flying insects are evil and should be contained at Guantanamo Bay. He said that he would not give flying insects tax cuts or entitlement benefits.
+ Carl The Chameleon said that Santy Paws was too soft on terrorism and that America needed a cold-blooded leader like him.
+ Santy Paws pivoted toward Carl The Chameleon‘s podium, opened his mouth and quickly snagged the small reptile into it. Santy Paws then ate his opponent with his razor-sharp teeth and said “Who’s soft now?”
+ Ms. Pickles squealed in fright and ran off the stage. Later, the Ms. Pickles campaign staff reported that the primate candidate was requesting Secret Service protection.
After the debate, Dr. Doolittle said that it was an illuminating experience. “I think we got a good feel for where these candidates stand,” he said, “and I think everyone would agree it was much livelier than the human debates we’ve seen thus far.”
