The Lint Screen

Tag: presidential election

  • Man Prepares For Presidential Election Season

    Former Boy Scout takes prudent measures for November.
    Former Boy Scout takes prudent measures for November.

    Timothy Pinkdroll was a Boy Scout, and he’s taking his “be prepared” training to heart as he undergoes extreme conditioning for the upcoming presidential election season.

    “I know some people might think I’m bonkers,” said the 48-year old electrician from Waterloo, Iowa, “but we’ll see who’s laughing come election day.” (The Lint Screen launched an extensive investigative deep dive into the subject, and has learned that the United States presidential election will take place in early November of 2016, or thereabouts.)

    Mr. Pinkdroll has hired a team of sadists and is undergoing extensive torturing as he prepares for the onslaught of bombastic media coverage and mud-slinging ads.

    “The election season is going to be a doozy of crap show,” Pinkdroll said as an assistant plunged knitting needles into his forehead. “There will be a billion dollar apparatus blasting away, designed to sway opinions and inflict extreme pain and doubt on the electorate. Those who haven’t undergone proper conditioning are doomed to an unimaginable world of pain. It’s going to be ugly!”

    With that, the subject requested the next stage of his conditioning as his head was placed in a vise and cranked tightly while cherry bombs were exploded in front of his nose. “We only have five months until election day,” he said in an agonizing scream. “I think I can make it.”

  • Low Information Voter Interviewed

    Should Yancy Turmunder be trusted with the power to vote? Hmmm...

    Recently, Yancy Turmunder, an assistant manager of Best Buy and a self-described “undecided” (low information) voter sat down to be interviewed about voting in the upcoming election.

    “Where do I go to vote and what do I do?’ he asked with his head cocked. When told his local voting location, his eyes glazed over. “Is that the bricky place by the sidewalk and the pretty trees?” he asked with furrowed brow.

    When told that it was the school just down the street, he asked, “So, we’re supposed to vote for school president? I’m kind of old for that. I don’t know many kids.”

    It was explained that Tuesday was a national election, to elect an adult the President of the United States of America. Yancy nodded his head slowly.

    “And the President’s the top dog of the country, right?”
    Yes, was the response.
    “What are my choices? Do any of them wear nice clothes or talk good?” he asked.

    The interviewer exited the room quietly and left Yancy to decide who would be the next leader of the free world.

  • Low Information Voters Confused

    Making up one's mind can be a pickle!

        Despite the fact that the presidential election season has been going on for almost two full years, pockets of “low information voters” are still undecided, perplexed and generally in the dark.

        They are still not sure who to vote for on election day or who is running. 

        “I like a president who wears Sunday-go-a-courting clothes and who knows his gozintas–– like two gozinta four two times and three gozinta ten three times and change,” said one befuddled low information undecider.

        Many of these low information voters are frustrated because they feel rushed. “Why do we have to make up our minds every four or five years like this? Why can’t we just have a king like they do in those king-run countries like you see in cartoons? Seems to me we all ought to take a deep breath and think this thing through a bit more,” said the man breaking into sobs. “I just need some more noodle time is all I’m saying.”

        One determined undecided voter says he has a secret weapon. “I’m going to flip a quarter in the voting booth. Heads, I vote for George Washington. Tails, I vote for the eagle. Easy breezy!”

        Happy voting.