The Lint Screen

Tag: Prince William

  • Royal Marriage On the Rocks

    Trouble in paradise? The scene following the Royal row.
    It appears the storybook wedding of a commoner to a prince may be over almost as soon as it began. The rumor mills are working overtime that the marriage of Kate Middleton to Prince William is on the rocks, or to quote Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto, “Kaputsville. She’s shutting the dude down.”

    Embedded The Lint Screen reporters say the following exchange took place in a love nest the couple shared following their wedding ceremony.

    (CAST: Prince William–PW, Kate Middleton–KM)
    PW: I say, my angel-love, these crumpets are quite lovely. Each morsel is absolutely divine. Heavenly, I must say!
    KM: Enough of your incessant chatter, you twit, I can’t take it any longer! Could you possibly be quiet for just one moment, or do you never tire of hearing your incessant blathering?!
    PW: My word, lovee, whatever is it? Are you feeling out of sorts?
    KM: Out of sorts?! Oh, that’s rich! Me, out of sorts. (Affecting a Cockney accent) Shall I polish your silver, guv’nor. Do the family jewels need attending to? How might I be of service to you, m’lord?!
    PW: Good heavens, Katie-wait-waits, whatever has you on edge?
    KM: Are the cameras off, then, Billy-boy? Am I done with the pageantry blushing bride business? Might I finally let my knickers down, then?
    PW: Please, Kate, there’s no need for courseness.
    KM: Enough. I cannot, I will not be trapped like this. I want to be free! I want to soar, I want to live, I want to dance! I want to laugh by the moonlight and kiss the sunrise! I want to feel cool mud between my toes and bask in the warmth of a dead moose carcass…
    PW: What was that, dear? I was texting Henry and I’m afraid I missed what you just said…
    KM: Then hear this– I’m done!
    (SFX: Smashing glassware, frustrated female screams and subdued sounds of a man sobbing uncontrollably.)

    Royal watchers are concerned for where this marriage may be heading. Others report it is typical to begin a healthy marriage with a healthy row, followed by decades of suppressed anger and festering rage.

    Time will tell.

  • Queen puts Kibosh on Hokey Pokey

    Unfortunately, by order of the Queen, all limbs must not be put in, put out, or shaken all about.
    To the disappointment of all who will attend the gala reception following the Royal Wedding tomorrow of Prince William and Kate de la Common Folks, Queen Elizabeth II has declared there will be no dancing of the traditional wedding reception favorite, “The Hokey Pokey.”

    A spokesman for the reigning monarch issued the following statement this morning. “While the Queen loves a good festive dance, she believes that ‘the putting of a left foot in and the putting of a left foot out and the putting of a left foot back in and shaking it all about’ is not in keeping with the solemn occasion of this Royal union. She regrets the ill feelings any may harbor by this decision, but she believes it is in the best interest of the Monarchy.”

    Although the news was met with disappointment and grief, the Queen has decided that “The Chicken Dance” and “The Electric Slide” will be permitted at the reception.

    “The Queen loves the silliness of people flapping their arms like chicken wings,” said the spokesman as he polished his monocle. He also reminded the press corps, “If you are attending the reception, please remember to bring a covered dish– Swedish meatballs, pigs in a blanket and noodle casseroles are always popular and welcomed. Also, please do remember the dress code is ‘swanky.’ No denim, cut-offs or tank tops, please.”

  • Say “Yes!” To Kate’s Wedding Dress

    It's a stunner, she is; the bride will stride in pride!
    Along with the rest of the world’s media, reporters from The Lint Screen have been swarming the streets of London looking for scoop on the upcoming matrimony of Prince William to Kate The Commoner, and we’ve unearthed a scoop that would give Ben & Jerry a hernia.

    We have an exclusive sneak peek at Kate’s wedding dress!!!!

    Oh, she’s a beaut, she is– all pretty in pink with a bell shape to make Kate’s legs ring-a-ling-a-ding down the aisle of Westminster Abbey. This breathtaking gown has lacy accents and enough class to fill both Oxford and Cambridge!

    We suspect William’s knees will turn to soft toffee pudding when he catches a good gander at his mate all pretty in pink, ready for a dance and a drink. Terrence Ogden Nigel Cuppenstunce, a noted British fashion designer, says the dress is surprising in a number of ways.

    “Kate eschewed the boring canvas of white or off-white in favor of some vibrancy and life. I love the poofy scoopage around her neck, and the long satin gloves add a certain swankiness that is, how you say– beautitific! Oh, this is a dress for the ages and I am quite literally breathless in anticipation.” With that, the elderly designer collapsed to the ground clutching his chest and gasping for sweet life.

    William, you’re one lucky dog!

  • Royal Snubbing

    I got the perfect wedding gift, but no one to give it to!
    Amazingly, I was not invited to the wedding of young Prince William to Commoner Kate.

    Apparently Queenie-poo will never forgive me for “the macaroni salad incident” that happened when I met the Queen Mum in 2004. It was a joke, but let’s face it– The Royals have never been known for their senses of humor (or “humour” as they say across the pond).

    I suppose I should be happy I don’t have to spring for pricey airfare or ask for a cot in Buckingham Palace. I do feel like I got stuck with a great wedding gift I bought for the happy couple. Now I’m either going to have to use it myself, or re-gift it to another marrying couple.

    It’s unbelievable how unforgiving some people can be.