Unfortunately, by order of the Queen, all limbs must not be put in, put out, or shaken all about.To the disappointment of all who will attend the gala reception following the Royal Wedding tomorrow of Prince William and Kate de la Common Folks, Queen Elizabeth II has declared there will be no dancing of the traditional wedding reception favorite, “The Hokey Pokey.”
A spokesman for the reigning monarch issued the following statement this morning. “While the Queen loves a good festive dance, she believes that ‘the putting of a left foot in and the putting of a left foot out and the putting of a left foot back in and shaking it all about’ is not in keeping with the solemn occasion of this Royal union. She regrets the ill feelings any may harbor by this decision, but she believes it is in the best interest of the Monarchy.”
Although the news was met with disappointment and grief, the Queen has decided that “The Chicken Dance” and “The Electric Slide” will be permitted at the reception.
“The Queen loves the silliness of people flapping their arms like chicken wings,” said the spokesman as he polished his monocle. He also reminded the press corps, “If you are attending the reception, please remember to bring a covered dish– Swedish meatballs, pigs in a blanket and noodle casseroles are always popular and welcomed. Also, please do remember the dress code is ‘swanky.’ No denim, cut-offs or tank tops, please.”
First Lady Michelle Obama has England all a-titter as a result of her brazen breach of protocol in greeting her highness, Queen Elizabeth II yesterday. The U.S. First Lady had the audacity to actually touch the Royal Mother’s royal backside– with her glove-less hand!
This flagrant assault to civility has Anglophiles worldwide “quite upset, actually. Not at all pleased.” The formal greeting of Her Highness is to curtsey, grovel at her feet pleading one’s unworthiness to be in her company, self-flagellation with a cat o’ nine tails and signing over ownership of all worldly possessions to the Queen.
Sir Nigel Rathbunn Tittleshower-Glipp, a noted British historian reports that Ms. Obama’s egregious act was “one of the most horrific things to ever happen in the history of civilisation.”
“I would put Ms. Obama’s terrible faux pas right up there with other noted American breaches of proper etiquette when in the company of a Royal subject. While I do not believe The First Lady’s barbaric incident surpasses Grover Cleveland’s outrageous behavior toward Queen Victoria in 1895, it still ranks in the top three of all time U.S. insults to the Crown.”
The Disgrace of The Nation
The infamous Grover Cleveland incident took place on March 11, 1895 when President Cleveland patted Queen Victoria smartly on her rump, then jumped up onto her back and requested a “piggyback ride ’round the Palace.“ Bystanders were shocked and not terribly amused by the portly president’s juvenile behavior. Cleveland weighed over 250 pounds, or as the Brits say, “18 stones– a bloody ton.”
The Royal Mother was also decidely not amused. “The President certainly enjoys his mutton and ale,” she famously quipped, “for his lard-ass was a chore to haul about. Twenty-eight minutes was all I could bear with that porker on my back.”
The Queen Was Not Amused
Cleveland took little offense at her comments and tried to make amends by kissing Queen Victoria. However, it appeared that “slipping The Lady a little tongue” is also a flagrant breach of Royal protocol. Cleveland was asked to never again set his heavy foot on British soil.
The other famously brazen American act of disrespect to a Royal happened on July 20, 1976 when President Gerald Ford met Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace and proceeded to attempt dancing “The Bump” with her to a Bee Gees disco song playing on a nearby radio.
President Ford was immediately banished from the Palace. Her Highness told reporters, “Disco sucks. Zeppelin rules.” She then flipped open a malt liquor and chugged.
