The Lint Screen

Tag: Santy Paws

  • Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches

    "Hello, citizen, let’s get to know you better!"

    The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

    “I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

    “We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

    “I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

    “I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

    And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”

  • Pickles Accuses Paws of Genocide

    Is this the future that Santy Paws promises humanity?

    Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey candidate in the nonhuman presidential race, has come out with a vicious attack against one of her opponents, precious puppy, Santy Paws.

    A spokesman for the Pickles campaign, C. Hurley Everett Mungswallow, IV, told reporters, “Ms. Pickles is outraged and deeply disappointed that Santy Paws, allegedly ‘man’s best friend,’ wants to kill all men and women with his recent proposal to have all humans ‘fixed.’ While this will not kill humanity immediately, it will prevent future generations from being born, thus ending the human species. Ms. Pickles believes this would be tragic since human beings are a species she puts in her top 10 favorite species list. This premeditated genocide shows the contempt and hatred that Santy Paws has for humans. Ms. Pickles believes that a candidate determined to wipe out its electorate would not be a good president, whereas she has always had great respect and admiration for people– especially when they give her treats or help pick lice off her back.”

  • Santy Paws Promises to “Fix” Americans

    Is Santy Paws out to help humans or out for revenge?
    Recently, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire nonhuman presidential primary, came out with a stern social plan proposing a sex registry for human beings. Now, an opposing candidate, a precious puppy named Santy Paws, is going him one better by proposing to get all Americans “fixed” so they do not have to worry about sex.

    In a statement released to reporters earlier today, Santy Paws claimed, “If elected, I will have all human males neutered and all females spayed. There will be no need for contraception and Satan will be less likely to take root in sin-infested loins. My opponent wants to take half measures, but I want to make the nation a safer, less sinful place for all. I will fix America by getting all Americans fixed!”

    A reporter asked Santy Paws spokesperson, Clyde Ruverington, if this proposal was retaliation for the dog being neutered last month. Ruverington angrily replied, “No comment.”

  • Ms. Pickles Disavows Super PAC Ads

    Ms. Pickles not sure Santy Paws wants to kill children.
    Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In.

    Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant.

    “As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let me say that I do not know for a fact that IBM’s Watson computer loved to help Bin Laden play Jeopardy. I’m also not sure Santy Paws wants to kill the first born of every American family, nor am I positive that bag of Fritos wishes death upon American infidels who do not praise Allah. I also am not certain Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite wishes to raise taxes to 99% and legalize heroin. I ask my Super PAC to please check these commercials for accuracy and if they are not correct, try to take them off the airwaves in the next year or so in the interest of fairness.”

  • Slab of Granite Wins New Hampshire Primary

    Big Ol' Slab o' Granite admired for strong platform.

    The people of New Hampshire are a stubborn lot, steeped in good old New England practicality and common sense. Staying true to their character, yesterday these hearty individuals refused to follow any parade but one led by a different drummer on a horse of a different color.

    In a defiantly independent move demonstrating a people who proudly proclaim, Live free or die (you miserable bastard, you!), the residents of “the granite state” gave a landside victory to Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite for their pick in the nonhuman presidential primary.

    It was stunning upset for the winner of the Iowa caucauses, bag of Fritos, and a bitter disappointment for IBM’s Watson, the super brainy computer box, huggable puppy, Santy Paws, and cute as anything monkey, Ms. Pickles. Political experts explained that the appeal of Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite was its “unyielding platform and projection of strength under fire.” They also said people thought it would wipe up easily and look attractive for years to come.

    “It’s a strange political season,” said Barry Newdimber, a noted political expert at the University of Hokey Pokey. “Stranger than bat feces on melba toast and about as tasteful.”

  • Gigundo Upset In Iowa!

    Iowans select bag of salted corn ships as favored prez candidate.

    In the nonhuman Iowa presidential caucuses held yesterday, pundits had it down to the wire with a three horse race, none of which were horses. IBM’s Watson computer, precious puppy, Santy Paws, and lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles were the contenders– but all were shocked in a huge upset of write-in candidate, Fritos.

    “Today, Iowans sent a clear message to the nation,” said Eddie Frunkenbo, a caucus chairperson. “We want to be led by a bag of delicious Fritos. They’re made from corn, then fried and salted to heavenly deliciousness. They’re the perfect accompaniment to a sandwich, bowl of soup or chili, slab of liver pudding, lobster tails, dried cranberries, what have you. There’s nothing you can put in your mouth that Fritos won’t make taste better. It’s about time we had a leader who made things better for all Americans, and Fritos can do that job deliciously.”

    Bag of Fritos issued a statement thanking Iowa for its support and continued patronage. Fritos wrote that it is still deciding whether or not to declare its candidacy. Rumors have it a bag of Cheetos may compete in the Wisconsin primaries.

    Watson, Ms. Pickles and Santy Claus all tied in second place with 4% of the vote each. None of their campaign headquarters returned persistant prank phone calls from The Lint Screen.