With the Iowa caucuses only days away, the nonhuman candidates running for president are bowing and scraping for support across “The State Named ‘Iowa’ State.”
Super computer Watson has proclaimed “Iowans are the smartest people on Earth, so naturally they will vote for me because I am the only candidate who has a program to let each and every citizen get a turn running America!” Watson was referring to his innovative plan to allow every Iowan an opportunity to govern the land from the Oval Office for 32.376614 seconds.”Others talk about democracy, Watson will deliver it to you flesh puppets!”Each Iowan wants to rule country for 32.376614 seconds.. Lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, proclaimed through a spokesman, “Iowa is Nirvana. Iowans are better than the rest of the nation so I believe we should get all the tax money from the other 49 states and cut up the jackpot!”
And precious puppy, Santy Paws, said in a press release that he would institute “an optional tax plan. Pay whatever you think is fair, and if you don’t like the idea of the government spending your money, keep it. If you think the government should give you some entitlement money, write down the amount and send it my way. You’ll get it. Tax laws need to be chiller, man!”
The latest poll numbers make the race too close to call.
Is Santy Paws waging war on Christmas? Ms. Pickles thinks so!The juggernaut presidential campaign for lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, is Planet of The Apes-angry at opposing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws.
Dan Gruthers, campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said today that Santy Paws was leading the “Satanic evil war on Christmas.”
“Frankly, we believe all Americans should be outraged by this brazen attack by an atheistic canine,” Mr. Gruthers told reporters. “Heck, we just reaffirmed ‘In God We Trust’ as our nation’s official slogan. If Santy Paws is elected, he may try to change that and we’d all need new folding money!”
Mr. Gruthers contends that Santy Paws is named after “an obese guy who hung around little kids, which is pretty darn creepy” and “he would break into their homes late at night.” Gruthers believes that “if the miserable mutt loved Christmas, it would have been named ‘Christmas Joy’ or something else to celebrate the birth of our Lord.”
The campaign manager was visibly distraught. “I don’t know how we can allow this ravenous, God-hating cur to rob of us our most treasured holiday. I hope the voters do the right thing and smack him on the nose come voting day!”
Has Ms. Pickles been clipping Amish beards and gathering the whiskers in a wagon?In a press conference today, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for adorable puppy presidential candidate, Santy Paws, said that rival candidate, a lovable monkey named Ms. Pickles, may be responsible for the recent Amish beard clipping incidents in Ohio.
“Lookit here, people, I ain’t she did do it or she didn’t do it,” said a visibly agitated Merchant, “all’s I’m saying is that the little monkey has yet to deny having done the heinous acts, while my candidate categorically denies any involvement whatsoever in any Amish beard shenanigans! Come to think of it, I haven’t heard Ms. Pickles state for the record that she is not an Islamic terrorist sent here to bring down democracy. And she ain’t said nothing about not being a Nazi or having ancestors who were involved with the assassinations of Abe Lincoln and JFK, or that Scope’s monkey trial where those apes had minty breath and vicious scorn for all things decent! All’s I’m saying is that there’s a lot we don’t know about this Ms. Pickles character, and I don’t want the voting public to get hoodwinked into buying a pig in the poke.”
The Pickles campaign said that they were “too busy with barn raisings” to respond to the allegations at this time.
Did Santy Paws leave a special present here? A new political firestorm is sweeping the nation as the campaign for lovable money, Ms. Pickles, accused competing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws, of urinating on a fire hydrant in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
“It is absolutely outrageous that a creature capable of such a disgusting, despicable act is seeking the highest office in the land,” said a visibly upset Dan Gruthers, campaign manager for Ms. Pickles. “We’ve seen this candidate eat a competitor at a debate, now we’re witness to his brazen acts of bodily functions against our sainted firefighters–– it is an affront to the American way of civilized life! We cannot live in a country where our leaders leave liquid reminders of where they’ve been.”
“Tell the Pickles people to get their panties unknotted,” said Santy Paws campaign manager, Sam Merchant. “These claims are completely baseless and are obviously the attempt of a frightened competitor to bloody the nose of a far superior fighter. Santy Paws categorically denies ever having known or visited the fire hydrant in question. Now see here, if Pickles wants to play hard ball, we’ll play hard ball with that lice-ridden little ape. We ain’t saying bupkis on this matter no more!”
Around the world, people watched non-humans debate. Last night, Dr. John Doolittle moderated the first ever presidential debate with exclusively non-human candidates, and the broadcast which aired on Animal Planet attracted viewership numbers to rival Dancing With The Stars or American Idol.
The debate panel consisted of adorable puppy, Santy Paws, lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles, and colorful character,Carl The Chameleon. Because of moderator Dr. Doolittle’s amazing ability “to talk to the animals,” there was no need for translators and all points of view of the candidates were heard loud and clear.
The non-human debate highlights included:
+ Carl The Chameleon said that God asked him to run for the presidency. “But I didn’t hear His voice,” said the small lizard, “I received a text message from Him.”
+ Santy Paws claimed that God talked to him all the time and texted him frequently. He also said that if he was elected president, “All good little boys and girls will get tax breaks and entitlement programs out the wazoo.”
+ Carl The Chameleon said that whatever Santy Paws promises in tax cuts and entitlements, he will double and perhaps even triple them. “Because I think Americans deserve the best and then even better!”
+ Ms. Pickles said that she was a more evolved species than either of her opponents and thus a better choice to lead the nation. “But I do not think evolution should be taught in schools,” she said earnestly. “It is just a cockamamee theory, after all.”
+ Carl The Chameleon said that he is not worried about climate change. “Excruciating tropical heat doesn’t bother me in the least. Feels pretty darn good, actually,” he said.
+ Santy Paws said if elected he would “lick every American’s face with my warm tongue. And it’s a little scratchy so it tickles, people! You’re going to love my licks o’ love!”
+ Carl The Chameleon said he would use his “long tongue of justice” to rid the nation of mosquitos and other pesky flying insects.
+ Ms. Pickles said she would use drones to address the flying insect terrorism problem.
+ Santy Paws said he believed flying insects are evil and should be contained at Guantanamo Bay. He said that he would not give flying insects tax cuts or entitlement benefits.
+ Carl The Chameleon said that Santy Paws was too soft on terrorism and that America needed a cold-blooded leader like him.
+ Santy Paws pivoted toward Carl The Chameleon‘s podium, opened his mouth and quickly snagged the small reptile into it. Santy Paws then ate his opponent with his razor-sharp teeth and said “Who’s soft now?”
+ Ms. Pickles squealed in fright and ran off the stage. Later, the Ms. Pickles campaign staff reported that the primate candidate was requesting Secret Service protection.
After the debate, Dr. Doolittle said that it was an illuminating experience. “I think we got a good feel for where these candidates stand,” he said, “and I think everyone would agree it was much livelier than the human debates we’ve seen thus far.”
The non-humans will square-off in upcoming historic debateTry as they may, Santy Paws, the adorable puppy, Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey and Carl The Chameleon, the colorful lizard, cannot get the same media attention granted human presidential candidates. And since the humans are having 1,238 televised debates that they are not allowing non-human candidates to compete in, the ‘critter crew’ is creating its own debate that will be carried Tuesday night on Animal Planet.
Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said that obviously humans were afraid on the new presidential candidates. “If we keep sending humans to The White House, we’re going to keep getting the same results. It’s time we shook things up. I can promise America all kinds of memorable hijinks if the electorate sends Ms. Pickles to the oval office. Why, just imagine the kooky mayhem of having a monkey in the most powerful seat in the land!” said Gruthers doubling over with laughter.
Sam Merchant, campaign manager for Santy Paws promised a debate with lots of fireworks. “Santy make look cute, but you’re going to see a vicious killer. The leader America needs in these dangerous times where we could all go up in a mushroom cloud at any moment.”
Sandy Oceans, campaign manager for Carl The Chameleon is confident his candidate will do well in the upcoming debate. “My guy is nothing if not adaptable.”
The Lint Screen will report from the debate because it’s just that kind of a dedicated news organization.
