The Lint Screen

Tag: Sesame Street

  • Cookie Monster Crumbles

    Sesame Street's most notorious junkie finally gets help.
    Sesame Street’s most notorious junkie finally gets help.

    These Sesame Streets are a little less dangerous today as longtime resident Cookie Monster has placed himself into a Santa Monica rehab facility.

    “He was an accident waiting to happen,” Elmo told The Lint Screen. “Dude finally hit rock bottom, yo. He was hassling some Girl Scouts for cookies and just went bonkers. Got all touchy-feely, jonsesing to score a Samoa or Thin Mint. It got real ugly, man. Grover and Ernie had to restrain him. Everyone on The Street knew Cookie Monster had some issues, and we’re glad he’s finally addressing them.”

    Bird Bird, another resident, said Cookie Monster’s incident was not surprising. “He’s had a sugar problem for a long, long time. Always mooching cookies, hitting the Karo bottle, looking to score rock candy. It’s not right when you gotta have a sugar rush that bad. And recently, he got so crazed he started licking Kermit because he heard you can get high licking frogs. That’s just not right.”

    Telly Monster has an interesting hypothesis about what he believes is driving Cookie Monster’s addiction. “He’s obviously masking some deep insecurity, fear or secret. I suspect the poor guy’s illiterate. I don’t think he can read or write a lick. How sad is that? You’re one of the longest residents on Sesame Street and it’s all just gibberish. None of the catchy songs or cute games took root. I think he feels shame and guilt over his failure. No wonder the poor schmuck crashed.”

    The cute children who visit Sesame Street do not seem upset about Cookie Monster’s absence. “He was kind of an ass,” said a precocious four-year old girl.

    Aw, isn’t she precious?

  • Big Bird Flies The Coop

    A.P.B. issued– if you see this Big Bird, please drop a dime on him.

    Sesame Street’s elder statesmen, Big Bird, has been missing from this community since Thursday morning, said local resident, Rabbie Rodent.

    “Big Bird’s on the lam,” said the large rat with a foaming mouth. “He said someone had put a contract out on him and that he had to take a powder. Said he might be going to Salt Lake City and maybe changing his religion. He was really nervous, sweating, all jittery dropping f-bombs like he was being scripted by Tarantino. Sort of like when he was coming down from his vowel addiction a few years back. I kind of felt sorry for the big yellow fellow, but then he hit me upside the head with a lead pipe and stole my wallet and stash of prime numbers. That sucker needs to get put down, plucked and made into pillows.”

    Rabbie Rodent then bit this reporter, apologized and went back to his trash can.