The Lint Screen

Tag: Starbucks

  • Bulger’s Barista Tells All

    The tough guy mobster was all weak-kneed for the whipped cream!
    When notorious Boston mobster and public enemy #1, 81-year old Whitey Bulger was captured last week in Santa Monica where he had been on the lam for 15 years, many were shocked and surprised. But one person was not: Tim Ergskins, the barista working the Starbucks on the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica.

    “The old dude was a regular,” said the young cappuccino slinger. “Like clockwork, every morning at 8:20, he and his old lady would come strong with the same order: vente triple-shot skinny latte, no foam, and a grande caramel macchiato with extra whipped cream. That old gangsta surely liked him some whipped cream, he did.”

    Ergskins, a six year veteran in the caffeine wars, said he was suspicious about Bulger from the beginning. “The guy didn’t talk much, but when he did, he said mobby things like, ‘Do it, punk, or I’ll kill ya, ya dirty rat!’ Or, ‘Why, I oughta give you some concrete shoes and a nice swim in the ocean.’ Or, ‘Wise guy, huh? Howzabout I give you some extra lead in your diet?!’ I mean, it was kind of creepy how aggressive the old coot could get.”

    The 27-year old barista shakes his head slowly in disbelief. “I should have known something was up, but Bulger always tipped a crisp $100 bill into the jar. I just figured he appreciated my art. It’s weird.”

  • April Fools Joke Ends Tragically

    Tragedy strikes as giddy girls play joke on parents. The lesson learned: humor sometimes kills.
    Pity the poor Nakamura sisters, Mai, Miki and Hina–– they are now orphans thanks to their playful humor!!!!!

    The three daughters thought it would be a funny April Fools joke to plant a bomb in their parent’s car. Their intent was to stop their father from starting the car, then show both parents their dastardly handiwork and shout “April Fools!” After the parents realized how close they came to certain death, the entire family would have a hearty laugh.

    But tragedy struck when the young ladies decided to get some Frappuccinos at Starbucks. Their parents were at home and read in the newspaper that Macy’s was having a sale and became excited. They decided to take advantage of “Macy’s best prices of the season.” The family needed some new linens.

    But parents Daigoro and Haruka Nakamura never made it to the Macy’s store. Their car exploded and was instantly engulfed in flames. The daughters heard the explosion walking back from Starbucks and realized their joke had become a tragic disaster.

    On the bright side, the Frappies were delicious and the sale at Macy’s probably would have disappointed the parents (the prices weren’t all that great). The daughters are contemplating a lawsuit against the giant retailer for killing their parents.