This is a scoop so big, it’d bankrupt Baskin Robbins. The Lint Screen has acquired three scripts of TV spots produced by The Lincoln Motor Company using Matthew McConaughey that were supposed to have aired in last Sunday’s Super Bowl Game. The spots were pulled at the last minute due to a prank done by the mischievous ghost kid from the Nationwide spot. The Lincoln scripts are revealed below in their entirety.
“Cake”
OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKZ. HIS CAR IS ENTERING AN AUTOMATIC CAR WASH. WE WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE SITS. WE SEE THE SCRUBBERS WORKING, RINSING, WAX BEING APPLIED, ETC.
MMVO:I remember some good cake I had one time.
All the sweet, green icing flowing down.
But then…
someone left the cake out in the rain.
CUT TO CLOSE UP OF MM. WE SEE TEARS WELLING UP IN HIS EYES. IN THE BACKGROUND, WATER POUNDS AGAINST THE VEHICLE. VISUAL METAPHOR!!!
I don’t think I can take it
’cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again…
MM BEGINS SOBBING INTO HIS HANDS AS THE CAR IS BEGINNING TO BE BLOWN DRY.
CUT TO WIDE SHOT OF CAR WASH. SUPER LOGO.
—————————————————
“Who Am I?”
OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. HE IS DRIVING AT NIGHT DOWN A LONELY ALLEYWAY. IT IS DARK, WITH SPORADIC POOLS OF DINGY YELLOW LIGHT. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES. THERE ARE FOUR COINS IN HIS RIGHT POCKET–– A 1996 DIME, 2009 NICKEL, 2012 QUARTER, 2014 QUARTER.
MM VO:Who am I? Why am I here?
They’re big questions.
We all search for identity.
MM TURNS TO CAMERA AND WINKS.
I could use more lumbar support.
CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS HAND ADJUSTING LUMBAR SUPPORT BUTTON ON SIDE OF HIS SEAT.
CUT TO CLOSE UP OF HIS FACE IN ECSTASY.
That’s much better.
CUT TO WIDE ANGLE CRANE SHOT ABOVE ALLEYWAY AS THE VEHICLE DRIVES OUT OF FRAME.
SUPER LOGO
———————————————–
“What’s Ahead”
OPEN ON MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY BEHIND WHEEL OF LINCOLN MKC. WE HEAR HIS INTERIOR VOICE AS HE DRIVES THROUGH BEAUTIFUL COUNTRYSIDE.
MM VO:What is life? What’s ahead? I’ve been wondering lately.
Why do baristas rarely acknowledge tips?
How do magicians do their tricks?
(SFX: LOUD THUMP OUTSIDE VEHICLE)
What the heck was that?
I could use a latte.
MM TURNS ON THE RADIO, JOYFUL MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS.
As the world prepares for the greatest game in the history of the world, the earth also prepares to watch the bestest commercials ever aired on planet earth.
Not to overstate the case, but this Sunday night’s Super Bowl broadcast will be the defining moment of civilization.
In preparation, here are VI little known facts about some famous Super Bowl commercials of the past.
I. The “Mean Joe Green” spot for Coca-Cola was originally written for comedian Shecky Green. In the spot, Shecky is followed by a young fan after performing in Las Vegas. The kid offers the yuckster a Coke. Shecky resists, sees that the kid is upset, takes the bottle and chugs it. As the kid walks away, Shecky tosses him his microphone as a gift. Later it was decided that the commercial should take a more ‘football slant’ and Mean Joe Green of the Pittsburgh Steelers was cast. A little known fact: Shecky and Joe are NOT related.
II. Apple’s “1984” spot never aired. Steve Jobs merely thought about it and we all saw it.
III. McDonald’s “The Showdown” commercial using Larry Bird and Michael Jordan in a shoot-out for a Big Mac and fries showed the basketball stars making incredibly impossible shots. The shots were real, but it took 134,824 takes to get them. The basketball stars demanded the behind the scenes story never be revealed to save their fragile egos and reputations.
IV. The Tabasco Sauce exploding mosquito commercial almost never aired due to extensive protests from the SPCBSI (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Blood Sucking Insects). When vats of hot oil were dumped on protestors outside Tabasco headquarters, they agreed the commercial was O.K. to air.
V. The famous Bud Bowl spots were rigged. Bud Light always covered the spread and bookies made huge profits on the vig. When Budweiser demanded Bud Light be tested for steroids, the Bud Bowl quickly disappeared before a scandal started.
VI. Go Daddy uses sexy girls to grab attention. Seriously.
Come back to The Lint Screen on Monday, February 7 for our annual wrap-up critique of all the spots aired in the 2011 Super Bowl– and let the debating begin!
Lombardi was all about winning, at all costs.As the media hype hits its ear-splitting shrill crescendo, Lint presents a grab bag of things you may know about the glorious event.
1. Despite the use of Roman numerals to indicate the number of the Super Bowl, Romans did not play football– although Caligula was reported to have “very good hands” and a quick release.
2. The first Super Bowl was played in ol’ man Rundle’s backyard in Mercer, Pennsylvania. The game between the Chiefs and Packers was cut short when Mr. Rundle chased the players with his cane shouting, “Get on outta here, ya dadgum hooligans!”
3. Only three women have ever played in a Super Bowl game.
4. Legendary coach Vince Lombardi didn’t even like football. “I’m just pretending,” he told a confidant, “to get a trophy named after me. Dude, baseball’s a lot better.”
5. Traditionally all members of the winning team receive commemorative Super Bowl rings, but this was not the case for the first four games. Those winners received commemorative Super Bowl fondue sets and scarves.
6. The first commercial to ever be aired in a Super Bowl game featured a talking animal with a flatulence problem. This tradition has proudly continued.
7. When most quarterbacks are in the huddle, they open up and share their feelings with their teammates. They have a good cry and line-up for the next play.
8. The Cleveland Browns have won more Super Bowl titles than any other professional team. The official record does not reflect this due to jealousy.
9. After the big game, many players shower wearing shower helmets instead of shower caps. Some players sport flip-flops to avoid athlete’s foot.
10. Legendary sportscaster Curt Gowdy coined the now famous phrase, “Holy mulligatawney, that about curled the mule’s hair!”
11. Notorious mobster “Blowtorch” Fransco lost $10 betting on the Falcons in Super Bowl XXXIII in ’99. He never got over it and gave up his life of crime for fashion design.
(Why spend a fortune going to some university, beauty college or ad school? Here’s everything you need to know about getting a great job in advertising. Kindly make your tuition checks payable to Patrick Scullin.)
Next to dying a slow, painful, miserable death while “MacArthur Park” is playing on the radio, hunting for a job has to be one of the most traumatic events we humans ever face.
Because changing jobs is always frightening, let’s discuss the stages of job hunting in as intellectual a fashion as we can muster on short notice.
Stage one: “I’ve got to get out of this hellhole.”
How can you tell you’re in a go-nowhere job? Be on the lookout for little signals, like a boss who continually tells you, “You’re in a go-nowhere job, pal, and as long as I’m in charge, I’ll see to it your genius is squashed like a fat mosquito hitting a ‘67 Buick going 120 mph!”
Or, a representative from local Lumberjack’s Union who pleads with you to stop generating ideas. “For God’s sake, man,” he says with tears welling-up in his eyes, “how many more Foamcore trees must we senselessly slaughter before you’ll quit this madness? Can’t you see, you numbskull, you’re in a go-nowhere job?”
Whatever drives you to the conclusion it’s time to go, it’s time to get on to stage two of the job hunt: “Getting the ol’ book out and about.”
When it’s all said and done, it doesn’t matter if you’re Lee Clow or Joe Blow, we all live and die by our work. Of course, Clow’s got the better reel, but he can’t touch Blow’s print or flash banners work, no sir.
Yours? Mine? Ours.
The best way to put together a terrific portfolio is to collect samples of the very best work. Conservative people believe the work should be restricted only to those pieces that you yourself actually created, while the more liberal approach embraces the idea that anything created by one of your own species is fair game for inclusion into your book. Whatever. The main thing is to put together items that can fit into a portfolio case (which generally restricts the inclusion of actual-size billboard samples).
Many job hunters wonder if they should have headhunters working on their behalf? Yes, by all means! How else can you find out about those incredible opportunities with “the next Fallon” (which happens to be in Texarkana of all places) or “the great creative revolution happening over at Lackluster, Mediocrity & Snores.”
Do whatever it takes to get your book seen by whomever, whenever in wherever. As they say in the penguin exhibit at Hank’s Appliance Repair Shop, ‘You can’t win the lottery if you don’t have a ticket–– preferably the winning ticket.’
Once the potential agency has seen your book, they’ll want to see the person who owns it. Which brings us to stage three of snagging the big job: “The Meet & Greet.”
Most creative people despise interviewing because it generally involves answering tough questions like: “Where do you see yourself in 10 years, and if you are a time traveller, please also give me the name of the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby and the Super Bowl and World Series Champs.”
“Who was known as ‘The Perky President’, and what was the name of his Secretary of Defense?”
“If two trains leave Chicago, one going 45 miles per hour and the other getting 2.45 miles per gallon of diesel fuel, which one will have the higher trade-in value?”
“What is your creative philosophy, and how does it mesh with the notion of existentialism?”
“You want coffee, a Coke, or something? Remember, there is only one right answer.”
The secret to successful interviewing is to interview right back at them. When they ask a question, it’s no time to play defense–– fire one back. Here’s a sample from an interview I had back in ‘95:
HE: So, Patrick, tell me about yourself.
ME: Hey, where you’d get the cool picture of the ugly lady with the dorky kids? That’s hilarious, man!
HE: This picture? That’s, uh, that’s a picture of my family.
ME: Oh, uh, really? Well, aren’t they the handsome bunch! I don’t suppose you work many late nights, no, sirree––not with a great gaggle of good lookers like that to get home to…
For some reason, I didn’t get that particular job. They were looking for someone with more package goods experience or something.
Another interviewing secret is not to tell them about those voices that only you can hear. Because in a funny way, many people find it hard to believe pets and inanimate objects have chosen you as their primary communication vehicle. These people may be jealous and may not want to hear about the upcoming swift sword of justice you will soon be delivering at their command. Evil doers must pay!
Providing they love you and your work, you’re on to stage four of scoring your dream ad job: “Negotiating the Package.”
Me, I’m old fashioned, so I generally think paychecks are a nice perk. With a little clever negotiating on your part, maybe you can swing one of these “my time for your money” arrangements, meaning you’ll get paychecks on a fairly regular basis. Pretty sweet, eh?
Some other niceties to negotiate are free electricity, Christmas day off, four tons of gold bouillon and an 18 pack of Knox Beef Bullion (it’s like drinking a steer). Usually you’ll get three out of the four; most employers are sticklers about working on Christmas day. Go ahead and take the job because even if it does turn out to be another hellhole, soon enough a headhunter will call telling you about nirvana in Texarkana.
Happy hunting, and remember pets and inanimate objects are watching so be good.
