The Lint Screen

Tag: Super PAC

  • Money Floodgates Ready To Bust

    Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger’s big money is about to come raining down this election season.

    The Supreme Court’s “Citizens United” ruling treated corporations, unions and nonprofits as humans, giving them political voice through the formation of Super PACS to spend money on political advertising. A flood of Super PAC money is about to wash into the nonhuman presidential campaign, The Lint Screen has learned today in the back corner of a dingy bar reeking of stale beer and aged vomit.

    “Cylde and Rebecca Hundsinger, the billionaire ultra conservative couple who own ALLIED ACME Industries, are reviewing all the nonhuman candidates to determine who they want to back with their Super PAC, ‘Citizens For A Decent, Celibate And Righteously Moral Future’,” said an industry insider in conspiratorial whispers. “They are sitting on a ton of cash and they have deep pockets to make anyone win.”

    The industry insider excused himself to go to the bathroom and The Lint Screen reporter upheld the high journalistic tradition of slipping out the front door before the bar bill arrived.

  • Ms. Pickles Disavows Super PAC Ads

    Ms. Pickles not sure Santy Paws wants to kill children.
    Today, lovable monkey presidential candidate, Ms. Pickles, categorically denied the recent wave of negative advertising run by her Super PAC, Citizens For A World Worth Living In.

    Although the monkey is incapable of human speech, a translator told reporters what Ms. Pickles’ monkey sounds meant.

    “As far as my recent Super PAC ads state, let me say that I do not know for a fact that IBM’s Watson computer loved to help Bin Laden play Jeopardy. I’m also not sure Santy Paws wants to kill the first born of every American family, nor am I positive that bag of Fritos wishes death upon American infidels who do not praise Allah. I also am not certain Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite wishes to raise taxes to 99% and legalize heroin. I ask my Super PAC to please check these commercials for accuracy and if they are not correct, try to take them off the airwaves in the next year or so in the interest of fairness.”