The Lint Screen

Tag: Tim Cook

  • Weiner’s iPhone Confiscated By Wife

    Weiner is put on ice.
    Weiner is put on ice.

    Anthony Weiner’s in the doghouse. Again.

    He’s in Dutch with the ol’ ball and chain for sexting. The 147th time he’s been caught. Wha-wha-wha!!!

    His wife, Huma Abedin, an aide to Hillary Clinton, has snatched his iPhone from his horny little hands after Weiner was caught sexting another woman.

    “I’ve about had it with him,” Abedin told The Lint Screen. “In fact, today I called Tim Cook at Apple and told him to begin development on an anti-Weiner software update for all iPhones. My husband must be stopped. Now! Anthony seems to have a bit of a problem, and if technology can’t solve it, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I tried getting him to play Candy Crush, and all he did was take crotch shots and send them to I-don’t-know-where!”

    “I guess I’m a rascal,” Weiner confessed. He smiled and looked down at his feet, at least that’s where this reporter thought he was looking.

  • Ahmed Hired To Build New Apple Watch

    Ahmed says he can make a better Apple Watch with his hands tied behind his back.
    Ahmed says he can make a better Apple Watch with his hands tied behind his back.

    Apple leader Tim Cook is one smart cookie. The tech powerhouse kingpin told The Lint Screen he’s hired Irving, Texas troublemaker Ahmed Mohamed, the Muslim teen suspended from school and arrested earlier this week for bringing to school a homemade clock he built.

    “The kid’s obviously smart,” said Cook, as he gave himself a prison tattoo of a teardrop under his left eye. “I want that kind of noodle on my team,” Cook said as he wrung a wet mop and danced with it, as if he were stepping alongside Debbie Reynolds in Singing In The Rain.

    Jony Ive, Apple’s legendary Chief Design Officer is not sure he agrees. “Look, anyone can build a clock in a briefcase, but it’s a different tuna altogether to build a clock and phone and video and personal assistant and healthcare device and computer and gaming machine into a tiny watch you wear on your wrist.” Ive then spat on the ground and rolled up the sleeves of his white tee shirt flexing his muscles. “We’ll see how good this kid is. We’ll see.”

    Ahmed seemed confident he was up for the task. “I’ve also got some cool phone ideas,” the 14-year old said as he put the finishing touches on a self-driving car he made from metal scraps, pipe cleaners and oily rags.

  • Analysts Blame Elvis Costello For Apple Stock Dip

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    What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and iPhones?

    Yesterday, Apple’s leader Tim Cook headed a special news conference where the rock musician Elvis Costello performed.

    Today, Apple stock is getting hammered on Wall Street.

    “Elvis Costello was a mistake,” said a Goldman Sachs tech analyst. “Cook should have picked someone hip and hot, like I don’t know, maybe Steve Perry from Journey or who’s that lead singer of Kansas–– ol’ what’s his name.”

    A Morgan Stanley analyst thought Miley Cyrus would have been a better choice. “She’s hot what with her twerking and all, and have you seen this new video she did for ‘Wrecking Ball’– man, Bruce Springsteen didn’t get naked or lick a sledgehammer when he did that song!”

    At the news conference, apparently Apple also had some new product news.