The Lint Screen

Tag: Top Kill

  • BPTV Launches

    There was one surprising silver lining on the black oil cloud of the recent failure of BP’s “Top Kill” effort– the live camera feed of the oil leak disaster drew millions of curious viewers from around the world.

    The viewer response was so strong, BP has decided to launch the live camera feed as a new dedicated cable channel available this summer.

    “We’ve been looking at viewership numbers and they are incredible,” said Rory Cappingstap, an independent producer hired by BP. “In overnights, we’ve been posting ‘American Idol’ kind of numbers, which is unheard of these days for a new show. We’re even thinking of getting Simon or Ellen as a guest commentator on our new channel.”

    To offset the costs of fixing the spill, BP will sell advertising time on its network. “We’ve been talking with P&G about doing big tie-ins with Dawn, Tide and some of their other products that are smashing at dealing with oily stains and such,” said Mr. Cappingstap. “We’ll also have a heavy rotation of BP corporate spots letting people know how much we care about the environment and that sort of thing.”

    If the oil leak is stopped in August, it would severely curtail viewership, but Mr. Cappingstap is optimistic. “We may not be able to cap this well, in which case we’ll be able to keep airing into the fall, and God willing, even get into the spring sweeps. With lots of hungry eyes and untold opportunities for advertising revenue, BPTV is the sort of diversification the company needs in troubled times likes these. This truly is Must-Sea TV! Rather clever, isn’t it?”

  • Exxon Valdez To The Rescue!

    If mud won’t work, maybe a notorious tanker will.
    BP is in a pickle. Since its latest muddy gambit, “Top Kill” didn’t work to stop the never ending oil leak in the Gulf, BP may have to resort to a secret weapon: employing the notorious Exxon Valdez.

    The idea is to take the Valdez (which now operates under the name Dong Fang Ocean) and sink it over the oil leak. When the legendary ship lands on top of the gushing oil well, the tanker will accept the oil into its willing and spacious hull.

    “It’s really a perfectly brilliant solution,” said a BP insider over crumpets and tea, “We’ll take the number two U.S. oil spill and use it to fix number one! It’s a case of one plus one equaling synergistic sums much greater than their natural product, which would be two, or thereabouts. My word, this tea is weak as a kitten. Chauncey, find the servant who prepared this abomination and fire said person post haste. I will not tolerate this affront to my palate and I cannot tolerate any mistakes! Someone must pay–– make it hurt, Chauncey, make it hurt!”

    While BP acknowledges the Valdez solution is not a permanent fix, they do believe it is an idea that buys them some time to brainstorm some other ideas.

    “Yes, we’ve talked fixes with mud, golf balls, garbage and ridiculously large corks,” said the BP insider, “and with the Valdez buying us some time, we may be able to keep experimenting until we find a jolly good solution.” With that, he took a nibble of his crumpet. “This crumpet is as stale as yesterday’s newspaper. Heads will roll, so help me God, heads will roll! Chauncey!”